Goodbye 2014!

Well, I can honestly say I am truly relieved that this year is over. I don't look at it negatively just glad to put the pain, sadness and illness behind me.  I have learned some hard lessons, it has taken a serisoulgy wake up call and getting cancer to bring them all home.  I have learnt what really friends do when someone is in need and it has truly amazed me the support I have been given.  So thank you to my Friends, especially to the Rotherwick Friends, you are all incredible and I could not have done it without you.  The parcels on my doorstep, the cleaning, ironing, cooking, coffee trips and holding my hand when it all got too much for me and I cried, it all made the experience a better one. Yes, I have had some disappointments in friends and family that I thought would come forward, but never did, but I think that is the lesson I had to learn, to let them go and live in their selfish world.  I read back on the comments that have been made on Facebook, even though you were not here by my side each comment help me get stronger.  I feel like this is a bit of a speech, but needed to finish 2014 on a positive and show my appreciation.

Even though it was hell it could have been a lot worse and I feel lucky that my diagnosis is so positive as there are hundreds of families out there that would have their loved ones this Christmas because of this shitty disease they are not.  My heart goes out to everyone of you.  (I'm sounding like Ben :).

Some might not agree with my actions over the last few months and some have criticized me for starting dating again.  I don't think anyone has the right to tell me how to live my life after having to endure the treatment I have had.  Yes, I might not be emotionally stable, but I try so hard to keep a level head and yes, I have made mistakes, but isn't that life, shouldn't make mistakes to learn.  Life would be far too boring if it was sunshine all the time.  I needed to go out there and feel like me again, get drunk, kiss someone just to make me feel like a human being.  I want to put the last year behind me and start living again, more so that I have ever done before.  I am sure I will make more mistakes, but as long as I learn from them, isn't that all that counts. For the first time in my life, I will live it, the way I want to, without the worry of what people may say.

Happy New Year everyone.  I am truly looking forward to 2015 even though I am full of cold.

Love to you all.

xxxxx

Explode

Feel amazing today, full of life and energy.  Not had a bad day for 10 days, which just feels great, but it also gives me anticipation that one is around the corner.  Managing myself really well at the moment, sleep is good and I managed to nod off for the last 2 nights with no drugs, just a good book.  Feels quite invigorating to be able to get to sleep without anything.  I hate having to relay on something to get me to sleep.  Anxiouseity is better, but not sure now whether it is just my pure excitement for life.  Could run around shouting at the top of my voice telling the world how good I feel. Of course, there is other stuff going on in my life, but god it feels good to be wanted.  I really do have a skip and a jump in my step and very much looking forward to the future.  Who knows how it will turn out, but hey, I am enjoying myself, which I think is more important than anything else at the moment.  Just have such an urge to explode and dance till the early hours, party until I drop, run and just live.  Maybe it is me feeling better with life and feeling good.

I have so many friends out there that I have neglected this year and just not had the want to chat. I hate being negative and didn't want to think when I talk to people it is all about me and the cancer.  Yes, I have been through a really shit time but want to talk with friends feeling happy and not wanting to cry.  I still well up when I think of some of the times that I have had to deal with over the last 8 months but want to be able to tell people with a positive voice rather than a sad, which I know I have had until now.  I called a lot of those friends today and it was so lovely to talk and laugh together and arrange a rendezvous.

My darling Zachary has really struggled over the last few weeks. There is so much anger inside him and unfortunately it is targeted at me.  The poor child had to be so good at home for the last 8 months and be the man of the house while I was ill that the backlash has now come out.  He is just misbehaving and being so naughty at school with this anger.  At the beginning of the week it was all my fault. I know that he doesn't mean it, but it hurts.  I think he is angry that I was ill and blames me for the way he feels.  I know he will get through this and the school is being quite incredible and supporting him so much.  This one is out of my hands completely and I have to let him find his own path and his own emotions.  He is spending more time with his Dad as he just gets too frustrated and cross with me which also hurts but I do know he doesn't mean it.

Given in!

I actually wrote this last week and forgot to post it....

Another mixed week!

Just so hard, managing me and my own expectation of myself and what I can and cannot do.  I struggle with just having to sit down and do nothing, but then on the other hand, my body struggles to keep going and forces me to just stop.  Last week was the worst week for sleep. When I went to bed, I try and get to sleep and lay there until 4am wide awake, but almost in tears as I just wanted to sleep.  I have been taking calms, meditation app, breathing exercises and reading. I have been waking up every morning with a horrible anxious feeling in my chest and palpitation. Just horrible.  I am spending so much time concentrating on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.  There are no triggers, no reasons, I don't think I am worried about anything. I think it is just down to lack of sleep. I struggle with the anxiuosity, I have always been such a laid back person and never really let life bother me, but now, I could and do cry at the littlest of upsets.  When I get tired it creates so many negative emotions which I am so aware of and I seem to be spending my life counteracting myself to try and create different thought paths.

Well, after battling with myself and my mind, I gave in and went to the doctor.  She sat there and just smiled at me and said "give yourself a break". Just let you body repair and give me sleeping tablets and something for the anxiety. Only for the next 2 weeks to just help me along.  I do feel like I have given in to it and failed.  I didn't want to go down this route, but then on the other hand, I feel slightly relieved that I am going to sleep and the anxiety will stop and I can just relax a little.

It is so strange how this whole journey has affected me.  I went hunting yesterday and the anxiety kick in, big time.  I have hunted more times that I can remember, but I have been just so worried about my strength and would I have the stamina to keep going.  I did manage it and jumped a few jumps, but it even though after about 3 hours I tried, my stopping method was going up Laura and Kenny's backside or an old trick Dad showed us as kids and that was to cry the reins over their whithers.  The poor thing didn't like that at all.  It is such a hard thing to deal with after riding for so many years and I struggled to stop a 14.2hh pony, mind you they are all little shits!

I would love to tell you about my dating experience but not sure this is quite the right place!!

Love, hair and feeling good.

Had a better week this week, thankfully.  Only one day I had to just hang up my boots for the day.  It is really the strangest of feeling, but when it (I think I am going to call them My Cancer Day) hits you it completely takes your feet from underneath you.  I woke up feeling really sluggish and as the morning went on it just got worse.  It is like it takes over your mind as well as your body and even putting one foot in front of the other seems like such hard work.  I did try and work through it, but it was no good I had to give in.  I spent most of the morning watching television and work a grand total of 2 hours all day.  I suppose for now I need to just get used to things and not try and worry about anything else apart from relaxing. I am looking forward to the next year and hopefully slowly these becoming a distant memory.  The next day I woke up and felt great, took Bongo out for a walk with no troubles at all.  Just mad how it takes you for one day then goes.  I can't even predict when they are going to happen.  I did try and analysis the day before and see what I did that might have triggered it but a bit of a pointless effort really.  The drugs I am taking could be causing, but who knows.

As you will all know I went on my first date last weekend, which was totally rubbish, but had another one on Friday which I am pleased to say was a lot better. Isn't it funny how company with the opposite sex can make you feel so much better in life.  Just someone wanting to be with you.  Love really does make the world go around.  No matter how much money you have, if you don't have love, it is all very pointless.  We all moan about our partners, but the truth is you would miss them like mad if you didn't have them and you would still want to be loved. I know my boys love me and I couldn't be without them, but not quite the same.

Just actually feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time and almost attractive again. It is amazing what a bit of attention can do!  Lots of people, even dates "ask if am I going my hair long again?"  I am not sure. Even little Luke said this morning that he likes my hair short.  He had found some photos on his camera that were from last year and we sat in bed looking at them.  Now that I am getting it cut and creating the style I want I am quite enjoying the ease of it.  Still have bad hair days though, and so much wax is used to flatten my mass down.  It really is like a toilet brush if I do nothing with it.

First Date!

Well, thankfully I managed myself in a better way last week.  The keep going until I drop mentality just doesn't work anymore.

I have had to come to a few realisations that it is going to take me longer to get myself back up to where I was in March and I have to take it a lot slower.  It's hard to manage yourself, when it is something you have never had to do before. I rode at the weekend and changed the routine to mucking out first, then riding, which seemed to work and felt great when I came back.  Went cycling yesterday, which was fab and hard work. Did 17 miles, but instead of carrying on with my day trying to get stuff done, I had to sit for an hour or so until my energy levels were up again.  I know you might say "if it drains you, why do it?"  It makes me feel so good while I am doing it and after.  It gets my head straight and focused rather than feeling sorry for myself.

I went on my first date yesterday, what a bloody disaster.  I put myself back on the dating sites as I needed to do something to make me feel better about myself and the way I look.  I know that my hair looks okay, but it is about how I feel inside with my confidence which has taken a little tumble. I felt so depressed last week. Well, I was thankful that someone was interested!  Met this guy for coffee, he was straight away a bit too short, turn up in a lotus, should have walked away at that point, but being a glutton for punishment I went in.  OMG, he talked about himself for one hour and keep going on about my hair looking better long rather than short. Well, after 50 mins I plucked up enough courage up to say, I am sorry I am leaving.  He then did continue with, you must grow your hair.  I had to let him have it, I couldn't keep it in any longer. I blurted out that my hair was short because I am recovering from cancer.  I did want to follow it with your twat but thought I would be as polite as possible. The poor mans face just dropped he didn't know where to look.  I did feel a lot of satisfaction after that. Wasn't sure whether to cry or just laugh. It's so tough, knowing whether to tell someone about my journey.  I ask myself so many questions all the time.  Will they run away? Will it scare them?  I know that the right person will.  It does go through my mind that who wants to be with someone that was diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  Who wants to take the risk of maybe coming back. Maybe it is because I am not sure if I could!  On a really positive note, I then got chatting to another gentleman (you know me, I don't hang around for anyone) and he seems delightful.  Even quite excited about our date on Friday.  Loads in common, so watch this space.

I'm Still here!

I have put up a few posts in between this one, but sometimes, I don't feel like sharing it with the world and I leave it with individuals that want to come here and have a read.  Just how I feel.

It has been a fun weekend, I can't say I feel on top of the world.  My mind is good and very positive, but my strength seems to have plummeted.  I have done quite a bit this week as well as my first week back at work.  Yesterday and today I have just felt awful.

When I was mucking out on Friday after riding for an hour, I could barely lift the wheel barrow.  I really did think that I would start getting better by the day, but the tiredness stills seems to be there quite a lot.  I am falling asleep in the evening on the sitee by 8.30pm.  Yesterday I felt really tearful.  I was fretting over a load of wood being delivered and how I was going to put it all in the shed.  I have energy for an hour depending what I am doing, but lifting takes it out of me.  Anyway, after football with Zach and Luke, I came home to a clean drive and a shed full to the brim with wood.  Thank you to my amazing, awesome neighbors who without me there put it all away. I did burst into tears, as it is a realistion that I cannot do things at the same rate as before and even though the treatment is finished I still need my friends around me to help and still let them help.   I crashed for the rest of the day and was pretty much the same on Today.  I managed to clean a few leaves up but then went back inside.  Instead of focusing myself to pick leaves up I made the boys help me which they were not impressed with.  Kids can be so cruel, both shouting at me telling me that they are not my slaves and they don't have to do anything at Dad's.  I know it is children being children, but hard work battling with them all the time as well as trying to muster up the energy to keep the house too.  It is so hard to describe how you feel, but it is like lifting your arms is such hard work and you have to lift with your mind as well as your body.  So many people you talk to that have been or going through this experience all say, that cancer plays with your head.  It's days like today that I miss having someone around to pick up and take over instead of that feeling like you are battling alone in this world.  Don't worry, I don't feel sorry for myself, but boy it is hard dealing the afterlife of cancer when you don't have a partner, you feel very much alone.  Your partner might wind you up, but having someone to share life with is so important and when you don't and become ill, it is really bloody crap.  No matter how many awesome friends you have around you, it will never replace that partnership you have with someone.

I have also noticed how bad my memory is now too.  Before I would never forget anything and would only have to put it in the diary, but now, I have to set reminders as well as putting it in my diary.  It is tough having to reprogramme your brain, and teach yourself to do things in a different way.  Last Monday, I forgot Zacharys private tuition and then Luke's Cubs.  It could be down to the Tamoxinfin.

My first week at work has been great even though tiring.  Being self employed is hard as I have to go back all or nothing.  I had to get my mind going, it was making me feel depressed, not having a focus.  Just sometimes think it would have been nice to have gone back in a more gradual way.  I know it will work itself out as it always does.  I have a few new projects that I am working on which I hope will mean that I don't have to do so much of the work and I can employ others to do it for me.  But like everything in life, it takes time to build but I do feel pretty confident about it all.

Holidays

I have had a pretty good week really, only a few wobbles which isn't too bad considering.  Relieved to get on a plane and away.  I am still struggling with emotions and they come at the most unexpected times.  I have no control over them and I just have to cry.  Some say it's a bit like moaning, the end of your treatment and living with the thought of it coming back.  I do work really hard at pushing those thoughts away but they do sneak in Now and again.  

I'm on Holiday now and feel normal apart from the tiredness, it still gets me, I do try and work through it so it doesn't control me, even if it is only 10 mins of pushing through i then sit down and relax.  I am exhausted by 9. The tiredness isn't like the tired you feel on a normal every day basis, it's like it wants to take control of your mind as well as your body, you try and shake it away from your head and then you find yourself snapping at the children, it has won and I hurry around to get stuff done so I can sit down with a cup of tea. I can't hide whilst here, I can't just keep myself busy. I have to stop and relax which was I suppose the reason for coming now, at the end.  Even though my treatment finished exactly  2 weeks ago, the effects keep going.  Even on Wedsnesday I was back at the doctors with an infections as my skin had broken down. Officially from yesterday (Friday) I am now on the road to recovery and in remission, which is fantastic. 

I look forward to gaining my energy levels back and have the stamina to keep up with the boys again. Not having the heavy feeling by 5pm and being able to sit on Lukes bed at night and read a story with him without dosing off.  I don't know how long it will take for me to be where I was in March, some say a year and some say never.  I sit and think about how I felt whilst having chemo and how really, really shit it was, there were only a few people saw me unable to get out of bed and cry, sobbed, forcing myself to get up.  I couldn't let it win, I couldn't let it take control of me, it was really a battle of wills. I really won't even wish it upon my worst enemy.  I don't think about why me anymore, just how can I stop it.  The bizzare thing is that current medicine just attacks Cancer, takes it out, then poisons you but doesn't actually find out why my body decided to let its defences down. 

Next Chapter Please

I would love be able to say that I had a great day on my birthday but unfortunately not.  I think I will put that one in a box and leave it closed forever.

My frame of mind at the moment is really not that good.  I haven't stopped crying for days, apparently this is normally.  I think my body wants to wind down after 7 months of keeping myself going and fighting.  It isn't until now that I have just been pushing through and now I feel exhausted with it all.

One day left and then I am done, feels really strange that next week there is nothing, just normal life. Met with a client today who hasn't seen me since March, I feel more conscious now, not so confident but I am sure that will come back.

Feel like 7 months has caught up with me, all in one week. I am pretty sure sometime over the next few weeks I will hit rock bottom.  It has been the worst week for tears this week, you would think I would be overjoyed that it's over, but I really feel nothing, just a bit empty and tired with it all. Desperate to get back to normal and forget.

Today - 10th October
Trying to treat today as my birthday as Charlotte is here and came with so many gifts last night, felt truly spoilt.  Feeling so tired today, not excited about the very last day of treatment.  Not sure whether to cry, laugh, scream or just collapse.  It did feel strange that next week there will be nothing, no more milestones or appointments.  The nurse's at St Lukes are all so cool and lovely and over the last 5 weeks had some good laughs.  When the treatment was done, I was meant to go and have some reflexology but really didn't feel like it.  Walked to Tescos, where Charlotte and Helen were waiting for me.  I did cry, when I saw them and we all hugged. My amazing friend Helen had champagne in the boot of the car with a Victoria sponge to celebrate, if I didn't have those 2 there I think I would have crumbled completely.  We were in the middle of the car park drinking champers at 11am in the morning, it went straight to my head and I then spent an hour constantly talking to Charlottes amusement.  Thankfully, it gave me a great distraction and the END became fun and full of laughter.

I do have some incredible positives happening and launching of new ventures, which is truly amazing and I am determined to make a positive out of this hideous journey that I had over the last 7 months.

The end is near

Really funny that I can for the first time in 7 months I can see the end.  I have so many mixed emotions.

Not sure, what to do, cry, laugh, celebrate.  I cried quite a bit over the last few days, maybe it is just because I feel tired.  I broke down completely on Friday, in public, not a great place to really sob.  Ironically, I was attending a McMillian coffee morning and was happily chatting away to a gentleman, I had never met.  He had lost his wife 2 1/2 years ago to breast cancer. It didn't get her straight away, it came back 3 years later.  I really tried to compose myself, but could feel the emotions welling up and I just broke down and cried.  Don't know if it was the reality of what was happening or the truth of how scared I feel sometimes of it coming back.  The poor guy didn't know what to do with himself, while I sobbed.  Just so close to home and too raw for words.

I have such mixed emotions about next week.  There is a part of me that feels safe while I am having treatment, it has become my safety blanket, but a week Friday when it has all finished, that blanket goes.  It does scare the hell out of me, don't know why, just terrifies me.  I am expected to just carry on with life as though nothing has happened.  I know that this is something I am very good at, but this feels different.

Normality at last.

Just starting to feel tired now.  Not sure if it is the radio or the driving to Guildford every day, but thanks to my army of friends who are doing the driving everyday it is not so bad.

Not so, invasive as chemo and the side effects are minimal, thank goodness.  My skin is starting to go pink and the scar is a little sore, but overall not too bad at all.

Feeling pretty elevated at the moment, and feeling pretty normal.  Last weekend I went out on both Friday and Saturday night.  Friday night was the first time I have been out for 5 months. We all sat in the pub and then went for an Indian.  Felt so good to be out and feel normal, even though I wasn't drinking and laughing at those who were.  It felt good to be out in the crowd.  Okay, my hair is still a little short but growing fast, I didn't feel like a cancer patient.  It's funny that I still cannot get used to short hair even though all of my friends tell me that it really suits me and I should keep it short, I struggle with feeling feminine.  Maybe this will change when it is a tad longer and I can have a fringe or more of a style that I have created.  I have even changed the way I dress to suit my hair style.  Dresses just seem to look wrong, it is most probably me that thinks this, but just the way I feel.

I can't wait until it has all finished, can't wait to be able to say the treatment the is over.  I know that my journey with cancer will never come to an end, it will always be in the back of my mind, will it come back.  I don't think negatively about it, just in my thoughts.  I have managed to get rid of nearly all the weight I gained over the last 5 months. I have lost 7 kilos so far and only 2 left and I will be the same weight as back in March.  I know a lot of people say I shouldn't worry about this, but I need to feel good about myself and control my weight is one thing I can control.  I don't want it to slip on without realising.

After a little telling off by the nurse, I have decided to hang up my running shoes for a few weeks.  I really struggled the other week and felt all wrong. I have found pilates though, I did enjoy it.  I have always been a bit of a cardio junkie, but after my hour lesson, it felt great, it hurt and I slept like a log.

The boys seem to be getting back into normal life now Mummy is feeling good. They back to testing me and not so conscious about me being worn out.  Luke is back to his normal awkwardness in the morning and my continuous negotiations to get an item on clothing on or to eat breakfast.  Zach is back to his cheeky self with no weight on his shoulders to make sure I rest and not do too much.  I didn't realise how much they both adapted themselves to me being ill until recently.  Zach would get frustrated with Luke being awkward and getting upset and falling out, but now it seems life is getting back to normal.  Zach's sense of humor is back and we have our normal giggles.  We went out on our mountain bikes and did a bit of off roading, it was great fun and even had Luke throwing his bike in the hedge, because it is rubbish.

My garden has been great medicine for me too.  Even though quite wild I have slowly cleared areas of it.  Fingers crossed, chickens will be here soon.  Work is the last bit to get back to normal and I am aiming for the 1st November after a well deserved holiday in October with the boys and Emily's family. Not sure what I would do with Em, always being there, putting her family out so that we benefit.  I will never be able to say thank you enough to certain friends and family who have made this journey much easier.

2 in one day, you are lucky!!!

Well, I am 2 down on my radiotherapy, only 21 one more to go.  Seems like loads but I am sure it will fly by.  I have to travel to Guildford every day until 10th October, oh, I get the weekends off.

Yesterday was the first one,  You have in your mind what will happen and how it will be.  You have a huge machine that sits over you, but the radio waves come from the sides rather than from above which is the way I thought it would be delivered.  Very quick and only in for 12 minutes.  No time at all.  Seems like a lot of fuss, but something I have to do.  Slightly stressed out today as there was an accident on the way which meant I was very late.  As soon as I go there I was taken in.  It is really funny that now it seems almost normal to strip off on top and just stand there, makes me laugh.  I have no problem with the nurses pulling me around, don't think twice about it.  6 months ago I would have swarmed and blushed. All these women lined up, half bald, half not just waiting to get zapped. Could make a great comedy sketch!!  Some are almost scared to look at you and other willing to talk.  These experiences should bring you together rather than make you look at the floor.  I have hair now so I go in with my head held high and in my normal fashion talk to anyone that is willing to listen.  I may never meet these people again, but we are all here for the same reason, to get cured.  I do wonder how many will survive and how many will die within 10 years.  I was talking with a friend who I have met through this and she made a comment which really hits home everything.  She said "I really hope I reach 50".  It's then you go, shit, it's pretty crap.   I am on drugs to stop it coming back and hope that in 10 years there will be a cure. We both had a giggle and compared scares, which has become my new party trick :).

Booked a holiday today.  Will give me something to look forward too. The boys are so excited all ready. Zach's fishing gear is now in his bedroom and he has already decided what he is taking.  Very funny as it is another 8 weeks before we go.  Even booking a holiday is different now, many insurance companies will not touch you with a barge pole when booking holiday insurance.  I never really bothered before and had my European card and that's it, but just feel I should.  I won't be allowed in the sun and if I do I have to cover up my chest as it will be still sore from Radiotherapy.

First time in ages

A little delayed in publishing this, should have done it on Monday.

Isn't it funny how we take things for granted.

I was having a good tidy up at the weekend and for the first time in a long time I opened my 'hair' drawer.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I used a hair brush, it seems such a long time ago.  It is the first time I have even thought about hair brushes.  I used shampoo this morning for the first time too!  I really didn't need to, I only have about 1 cm of growth, but it felt good to just rub in and wash out.

Last night I sat in the sitting room and watch television on my own which I haven't done for months and months.  It has become a habit to go to bed at the same time as Zach.  I didn't feel exhausted but felt normal what ever normal is these days.  The little things that most people do every day without even thinking about it, we all just take as normal, but it is quite mad when those things are taken away from you and then returned.  These things are so basic but felt quite strange for me.  It appears that I have got out of the habit of grooming myself that now I have to make a conscious effort to do it.  Maybe I should go hippy and not bother!!!!

I had a good weekend this weekend with no tears, no negative thoughts, all very good.  Met with friends, gardened for hours and even baked again, gosh, I haven't done that in ages either.  Flapjacks, banana muffins and carrot cake.

Even though radiotherapy starts this week feeling good about it.  A little apprehensive as like chemo you don't know how your body is going to react.  Some fly through it and others get sore and tired. I am hoping that it won't be too difficult and I will be able to carry on with life as normal.

A bit heavy!!

Families are funny things.  We put up with so much from our families, but would never do the same if our friends treated us in the same way.

We have all had fall outs with brothers, sisters, Mums and Dads but sometimes you do get to a place in your life where you think, I am not making the effort anymore.  It is just too much hard work being the one that makes the calls, makes the visits and the one that cares.  Yes, we all care about people, but do we really put ourselves out for others. Unfortunately, we live our lives with convenience and this is also with our families and friends too.

When I was in Devon, I met up with old friends whom I hadn't contacted, for years, but so glad that we ALL made the effort and arranged dinner.  It felt like time had not passed and we had not changed at all.  None of them had aged either... Bloody cows!! :)

I am going to make time with people who deserve it.  The rest, well can just go forth.  I just don't understand why people have no feelings or understanding of what others are going through.  I just can't get my head around how children can hate their parents so much that they don't even stop to talk with them. Our parents are the most treasured people, they brought us into this world and loved us, yes their decisions we might not agree with but they still made us who we are.  It amazes me that others feel that if you don't give or help them, why should they do anything for you.  There are so many friends and family like that. Always want something in return instead of being just nice people and give.  It comes back anyway, just takes time.   How can families be so cruel and how mothers will protect her children and cover for them even though in her heart she knows that they are pretty crap.  I have spent so much of my life just keeping quiet and not speaking the truth with close friends and family that I cannot do it anymore.  I will not make excuses for family, boyfriends or friends that are selfish and just take.  We all say that family is the most important thing, but there are so many people out there that don't really care.  It plays on my mind a lot.  As you can tell I have got some pent up emotions at the moment that I am having to get rid of.  My head is spinning with so many different things all at once.  It is actually driving me a bit nuts. I don't seem to be able to clear my mind and that sad thing is it is, all stuff is from people in my close inner circle.  Maybe this journey is about clearing all those emotions I have had over the years, all the darkest ones that I have never been able to face before and now I have no choice but to deal with them.

We need to be educated again as a society. We need to learn how to be kind and understanding.  Over the summer I saw friends that I haven't seen for years who made the effort and contacted me to visit.  It felt wonderful that they live 2 hours away made the time to see me.  Thank you Martin and Ali.  It does hurt though, as once the chemo stopped, Family stop calling to check on you, friends are busy and there is me desperately trying to hold things together and not fall apart because actually I feel shit, I feel sad, I want to cry all the time, I want to shout at people.  On the exterior we all look okay, but underneath far from it.  I know there is nothing anyone can do about how I feel.  I have to keep filling the hole I am in so I don't go too deep.  It is like the boat has a leak and you are trying so hard to make sure you stay afloat.  Some days it is easy, but on other days you work like crazy to keep the water out. That's how I feel. That's what cancer does to you.  It strips you bare and makes you weak and vulnerable physically and emotionally and then plays with your mind.  My sister in law said to me back in March. "You will never be the same again".  I was, no way not me, I am invincible, I will be the same.  She was right though, I will never be the same person.  I suppose I am mourning that fact,  I am coming to terms with it more and more. I just hope I keep my persuasive side else I am truly buggered!

I completely understand now why people say when you have or had cancer, it is a journey and a battle.  It is almost a battle of wills of who will win, who will take control and step up and fight stronger.  That is why people say stay positive because that is what it is.  The toughest wins.

Emotional Baggage

I have no idea why, but I was very emotional over the last few days.

Not sure how to start this one as my head is a little all over the place.  One thing is for sure is I cannot wait for the schools to get back and to have some normality back in my life.  I have missed the boys so much this time, I really have.  They are back tomorrow, thank goodness.

They both came yesterday and we had a great afternoon up in the park and then went to see Guidian of The Glaxary.  Great film, very funny and worth seeing.  The first part of the film was a little close to home and it was about a young boy saying goodbye to his Mum, who had cancer.  She was lying in bed with no hair.  Anyway, Luke said on the way to watch Zach play football that he cried too.  He cried with happiness as Mummy is one of the lucky ones.  Just melted me so there's me trying to hold back the tears whilst driving. It didn't last long and the tears flowed. The love for your child is just so overwhelming and even the thought of leaving them is just so heartbreaking, something I am never going to do until I am very old.   I have also been walking around with no head scarf on this week too. Maybe a little proud that I have some hair!  It amazes me how many people stare.  I was looking after one of my friend's boys too on Friday, and the eldest was again so sweet and wise, he said "don't worry about it you have done nothing wrong just ignore it".

I do still wonder why this is happening to me.  I read on Facebook that one of my friends who has just had a mastectomy had clear results and didn't have to have any further treatment.  It made me feel slightly angry and jealous in a way.  Strange feelings I know, but just yearning for some normality back in my life.  I know I also feel blessed that I caught mind in time too.  Need to get back to work, have some routine and be me.

To think I have enough to deal with I meet my ex this morning with his new girlfriend. This created a whole new set of emotions.  You never know how you will react and what sort of feelings it will bring back, but guess what, I cried.  It is the first time that I have cried about that situation so maybe it needed to come out.  I have been pretty good at just battling on and brushing it aside, but now, I am useless at being hard, I just cry.  So many emotions to have to deal with over the last 5 months, drives me nuts and makes me laugh too.

The exercise front has been good this week.  Ran 2.5miles on Monday, Wednes - cycled 16 miles, ran yesterday, only 2 miles and plan to do 16 tomorrow.  Definitely building my stamina up again.  Hope when the radio starts it doesn't go out the window.  I did wake up yesterday feeling so sluggish and the first part of the run felt just awful, nearly gave up, but battled through and glad I did as it made me feel so much better throughout the day.  I have been sleeping well this week too.  Took the TV out of my room (only put it there whilst I was having chemo) and now I have Classic FM at bedtime and it seems to be working.  Shifted a few pounds as well, which makes me feel so much better.  Only a stone to go and back to the weight I was before this journey started.  I have started Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and one of the side effects is weight gain as well as tiredness (there are loads more).  What to get it under control now as I will be taking them for the next 5 years at least.

Back to treatment

Went back to the hospital today to start my radiotherapy treatment.  I hate going as it is a reminder that I am not well yet and still have another month or so to go.  I wasn't the youngest there today, thankfully.  There was a girl who must have been in her early 20's, she has a brain tumor. I wonder sometimes whether people I meet are there for a reason, I felt lucky again that mine is easier to treat, it makes me realise that things are not too bad really. 

The staff were great as normal and today all men!! All far too young for me.  I was drawn on, measured, sticky tape put on me and tattooed today.  Okay the tattoos are the same as a pen mark not big and the only type of tattoo that will ever be on me.  I had a CT scan too.  All of it very quick and only in there an hour.   

I have had my first 36 hours without seeing or speaking to anyone.  It felt good and when I woke up this morning, I felt liberated.  It never bothered me before and I was struggling with being on my own for too long, but keeping myself occupied and the garden is being weeded.  It will take me months to get it under control, but a great distraction.  

Out of the habit

It feels like ages ago that I have written anything.  I have got out of the habit of this and every day I have said to myself "sit down and write" but like everything in life there is always something to distract me.

I have finally got my dates for radiotherapy and it all starts back up again on September the 10th. I am in the lucky position of being under 50 and get an extra 8 bonus days on the recommended 3 weeks of radio!!  I will be going into hospital every week day for the next 4 1/2 weeks... whoop whoop. At least there is good shopping in Guildford!

The last few weeks have been pretty hectic, Frank came here from Canada, a quick visit to Devon and a few days in France with Em.  Mostly I have been in good spirit and up beat.  Going a bit stir crazy  at the moment and my brain is wandering into thoughts that are not good.  Spending or having too much time to think with nothing to occupy myself, I am starting to realize is not a good thing.  Yes, I have had the summer off, but desperately pushing negative thoughts away.  I am starting to enjoy my own space, but you do think about the bad side of cancer and maybe not recovering and maybe it coming back. I know that I have to be strong and be determined, but sometimes just human nature takes hold. That's why I have got back to doing some exercise as it clears my mind and makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I am doing something rather than sitting around.

Desperate tot get back to work so I have other stuff to think about which is more important than myself.  It is amazing how you can drift off into self thought and lose hours doing it. Today I made the conscious decision to change my brain pattern that I seem to have slipped into.

When I came back from France on Saturday, all I could think about on the flight and train home was the thought of coming home to an empty house, just couldn't shift if away from my mind.  I need to get used to being on my own again and filling my time instead of running from place to place and visitor to visitor. I have read that it is quite common to feel isolated and depressed once the treatment has finished, there has been so much attention around me.  I am so aware that I could slip into a depression and fight it daily. The world we live in is such a lonely place even when you have family and friends around it.  The boys have gone to their dads this week, so again, I find myself alone, but I am making myself stay put this week to just deal with it rather than running away from it.  On the positive side, I am starting to enjoy it again, which feels good to have that back.

Food

Even though I was a little worried about being on my own, I have got into the swing of things and kept myself rather busy.  The garden is looking great and my veg patch has very few weeds.  I have a long list of all my jobs and working through them nicely.

Had a lovely 24 hours with Charlotte in South Croyden.  Managed a good hill walk yesterday morning with no dizziness and managed to get to the top with only a few steep, but was panting as much as Doug the Pug. I drove down to Midhurst to see the nurtiionist which was pretty eye opening.  No one knows why I got cancer and from my history the biggest factor is stress.  Even though I think I am pretty laid back the last 3 years might have taken its toll on me.  I know I have been and others are very skeptical of Herbalist but after being with Carol for nearly 2 hours it opened my eyes.  My diet was pretty good anyway and I ate well, but the research that is going on with cancer that we don't know about is amazing.  There was so much she told me about the evidence that is coming through from the leading cancer research clinics here in the UK and in the US.  50,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year and there is a reason for this.  I wanted to do this as I want to do everything in my power to prevent cancer returning and protect my children.  Also, I thought I would share it with you all and you can take what you want from it.  You might all think I am going OTT but I will do everything in my power not to go through this again.  I am now prone to it returning even with the drugs I have to take over the next 10 years.  I am not going to start ranting about what you should and shouldn't eat but there is some good stuff out there all we need to do is look for it.

There is also a link with altzemiers and cancer and all these foods can help prevent either returning or developing.  My father is in a home now and my grandmother died from altzemiers so I am even more determined to improve what I put in my body to prevent either.

There is research going on as we speak where food is being directly connected to the cure and cause of cancer.

Turmeric is now coming through in research as one of the best fighters and preventative foods for cancer.  I didn't know this, but while I was having chemo, I was taking turmeric.  With me taking this while having chemo makes the treatment twice as effective. Having 3 treatments while taking the superfood gave me the same effect as having 6 sessions.  I had no idea this has been just by chance. It has to be taken with oil/good fat as our bodies cannot digest it.

Flaxseesds on a daily basis, but this has to be grounded.
Cinnamon and ginger really good for you.
Green tea and fennel tea.

Here are the foods we need to load in our diet:
Oily fish - Salmon, Trout, Mackerel, Sardines (tinned in tomato sauce is great and I love them), Pilcards
Brassicas Veg - Kale, Cabbage (Cavelo Nero), broccoli, rocket, watercress and land cress - Weekly
Fruits - Raspberries, blackberries, red currants, black-currant. I have to stay away from grapes and limit apples as they have too much sugar even though natural.
Nuts - Walnuts, almonds, Brazils
Eggs are great
Limit red meat but chicken and turkey are good as well as pulses.

You might not believe this, but there is a study going on where too much diary has been directly linked to cancer.  I did argue this with her, being a farmer's daughter.  We all drank milk straight from the bulk tank and the 10 of us have all been really healthy.  The problem lies in the pasteurizing process and strips all the good stuff away.

They have clinically proven that too much sugar causes cancer.  It raises our insulin levels too much. I know I can hear you going, yeah right, but Cancer loves sugar, especially unrefined sugar.

Life goes on.

The summer holidays have began.  I have mixed feelings about it really, some is thank goodness I can relax in the mornings and the other is, shit I am on my own what am I going to do??  (Please this is not a plea for company just how I feel.)  The funny thing is that I need to be completely on my own, something I have to learn to do again.  Before all of this happened, I loved my time solo, but you do get very use to company and someone being in the house and now there is no one you have to get use to being with by yourself again.  You forget how important your daily routine is.  Not having the school run makes the day seem so much longer.  I am missing that, with Zach not walking in at 3pm and chatting to all the Mums while waiting for the children come out from the lessons.

The boys have gone camping with their Dad for a week, so trying to make it all positive and enjoy the time I have to relax and get stronger for when they return.  Still very tired and run at of energy by the end of the day.  An opportunity to sleep this week and get all those little jobs done around the house that have been left for the last 5 months.  I can't believe it has been 5 months since this has all started, the time has flown by really, even though some quite dark moments.  The one thing I am starting to realise is that my journey has really only just began and cancer is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  I know that sounds dramatic, but there will always be a worry about whether it will return. You talk to people that have had it and they all say with a cheer 'clear for 5 years'.  I don't worry, but it plays on my mind all the time about what I am eating and drinking.  I am sitting here with a bottle of beer wondering whether I should not drink it or eat the piece of ham in the fridge, the extra spoon full of honey in my coffee in the morning. Will it give me cancer again?

Waiting for my appointment for radiotherapy to start. Bloody hate the waiting drives me nuts.  Again this whole experience is teaching me to sit back and let the universe decide what, when and how.  I have spent so much time stressing about stuff but at the end of the day it all works out in the end.  I am hoping it will start next week as Frank is coming from Vancouver and it would be great for him to be here and drive me to Guildford every day.  Not much fun for him but at least we will get some good shopping in.  

Good News

Matt arrived yesterday loaded with Farmer Tom's Ice Cream....yummy.  Ice cream is one food that I never really ate before, but now it is my staple diet for the week after chemo.

It is funny how when you have someone with you the stress of this journey seems to half.  I do struggle some days with just everyday stuff but the house has to keep ticking over.  Ali does a huge amount for me washing ironing etc but being Mum is tiring.  Having Matt here this morning to do the dishwasher and put the washing out (sorry about the picture on Facebook) while I sort the boys for school just helps.  'A problem shared is a problem halved".  Emily and I decided that I spend as little time as possible on my own.  I broke down on Sunday when I got home.  It was really hard coming home to a empty house after being in hospital since Wednesday.  Even my dear little Bongo wasn't here to greet me.  I just sat and sobbed, really cried.  I didn't release how much it affected me until I got home.  The whole environment of people so ill and dying.

Tuesday.
Went in today to have the picc put in but the doctors were still unhappy with my arm and wanted to put off chemo for another week. Pleaded with them again and they decided to go in the other arm but my consultant was unhappy as my right side was were I was operated on.  Anyway, after 2 hours of deliberating they decided it would be okay to go into my right arm and chemo is on and picc re-booked for tomorrow.

Wednesday
Everything seems to get so complicated. Went into the doctors to have my picc line fitted and after several attempts it would not go in.  The nurse had fitted 60 in the last 3 months and mine is the first not to work.  Everything seems to be against me at the moment.  Maybe I should just listen to what the universe is saying!  Really questioning what this is all doing to my body.  Each time a turn a corner a barrier is put up.  Not sure what the way forward is as I have no veins to use and the picc line in my right arm is a no go and a sensitive left arm.  Seeing the consultant tomorrow to find out what the plan is going forward.  Chemo might not happen after all.  What a load of bloody rubbish.  My gut instinct is telling me to go for a second opinion on my results. Just to see if the next 3 are necessary, my body is responding so badly.  I stupidly believed that being fit and healthy would help me get through this but quite the reverse.  My body seems to be hating this experience and it all seems to be making me worse.

Thursday
Went to see my consultant.  And after looking at what I have been through since starting this with the blood count, infections and my veins, she has decided that to continue with the treatment would have a detrimental effect on my health and would be too risky to continue.  Looking at the cancer I had and the percentages it is likely that the cancer will not return. So folks, NO MORE CHEMO, YES, NO MORE CHEMO, NOOOOO MORE CHEEMMOOO.  I cannot believe it, feel so relieved and happy that I don't have to go through the horrible experience.  I still have to have 3 weeks of radiotherapy and hormonal tablets for the next 5-10 years but NO MORE CHEMO.

Hospitals

Back into hospital yesterday with my arm.  Ended up being admitted. All such a pain in the ass.  The hospital rang me at 9.30 yesterday and asked me to go in straight away but I pleaded with them for a bit longer as it was Luke's sports day so they gave me until 12. Thankfully Charlotte was with me, I don't know what I would do without her. It's all such a fuss i really hate it, having to rely on others, something  I have never done before.  Organising children, cats and dogs. It makes me feel so low, I feel like I am living on the edge all the time, watching my temperature, having to be careful with the tiniest of scratches.  There was no way that I thought a bit of a swollen arm would put me in hospital for a few days.  First of all I was in the Acute Assessment Ward with everyone else. Which is fine Everyone but hate the way they sit and stare at me with no hair and give you that look of sympathy.  They don't  dare as ask what's wrong. Too scared as they know it's cancer even though I'm here because of something else.  Thank goodness I got moved to the cancer ward, just feels more relaxed and understanding.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I am in a room with a lady that has terminal cancer.  I felt almost guilty when I said I had breast cancer seemed like having a cold compared to her.  I really didn't know what to say.  Kay told me that she is use to the idea of dying but its leaving loved ones. My god to be in that situation must be so crap.  Even the thought of leaving my 2 boys is unbearable.  Somewhere I never want to go, makes me cry to even think about it.  Her time is against the clock now.  She is so ill and in so much pain, god this awful disease is so cruel.  I dare not complain and think how lucky i am to know that I will be okay when the treatment is finished and pray to god that it never returns.  We sat and chatted about how healthy we both were and looked after ourselves yet there are people out there that smoke, drink heavily and lead unhealthily lives but we are the ones sitting in hospital dealing with this shit. We both asked ourselves, why us! A question I think most cancer suffers ask.

It very exhausting being here, just drains you emotionally.  Missing my boys and desperately want to see them but will have to wait until tomorrow. I look so awful, bold, no make up (forgot to pack that), look like someone that should be in hospital.  Charlotte and I laughed yesterday about my little stay.  I have a window next to me, en-suite and it's fully inclusive.  Not much green stuff but all in all, not bad.

My arm still isn't right and they have had all sorts if problems with my veins.  Even talk of chemo not happening next week and pic line not going in on Tuesdays.  I feel better today even though I still look ill.

Sx

Back to reality with a thud!

After an amazing weekend with friends I have been thrown back to reality with a serious thud.

It felt so good at the weekend to be out and to feel like normal.  My wig went down a treat and I didn't feel like the odd one out.  It was a festival and very acceptable to wear a pink wig.  I did take it off and replace with a scarf a few times but the minute that scarf went on I became a cancer patient.  Okay it might well all be in my head and nobody really cares but in my mind it is a label.  One of my friend son's was so sweet and asked me why I was wearing a wig and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, he is so right but getting over that huddle just seems too hard.  But on the other hand his little brother aged 4 wouldn't even talk to me with a pink wig, fine with a scarf but the wig which just too much.  It is so funny how children respond and how they see life, no judgments just pure innocence.  The boys had such an amazing time and having Matilda the campervan meant I could have little rest throughout but I did do too much and on Sunday felt pretty rubbish and was in bed by 8.  

I have so many aches and pains that I didn't take any notice of my arm hurting over the last couple of days and I just brushed it off as being a bit stiff.  By last night it was swollen, I just tucked myself up in bed with an ice pack and thought it would go away just like the last time.

Woke up this morning feel like I was getting a cold with an arm that was very swollen.  My arm looks a little like Pop Eye with his muscles instead I had no muscles just a red, angry patch.  My arm has literally doubled in size.  Anyway in hospital with vein infection and on antibiotics.  I am having something called a Picc Line put in.  This is a long flexible tube that is put into my arm and will be threaded to just above my heart and left there until all the of my treatments have finished.  My veins have been affected by the chemo and the nurses are struggling to take blood let a lone injecting the chemo.  Absolutely gutted as chemo has been delayed until next week when the infection has cleared.  I pleaded with the doctor for me to go ahead on Friday, as it has been like a military operation to get family and friends to look after me.   I have spent the whole day crying, I just want everything to run smoothly and get it all over and done with.  Emotionally it is such hard work without having hiccups on the way.  

I so much want to just hide away from the world and not face anyone, it would be so much easier and you won't have to make an effort.  Today felt such an effort even putting a scarf on.  My eyes are running constantly now and my eyelashes are starting to fall out too.  I tried to put mascara on this morning but seemed a little pointless as by the time I walked Bongo it was half way down my face.  I think I will live in sunglasses from now on.

On the positive side I have an extra week of feeling good! 

I'd go and get a coffee first its a long one!

Its really hard writing these blogs as I never really know whether I say too much or too little.  I do sometimes sensor what I write and don't put exactly how I feel.  Not sure if this is the right way or the wrong way.

The last few days have been full of emotions as well as illness. When I'm feeling poorly I tend to go into myself and think which sometimes isn't a good thing.  My close friends can see when I do it and see that I even struggle to talk and go quiet.  I have this vacant stare!

To get through the last few days I have to focus on the littlest of things to look forward to.  Literally living each day at a time.  It might a phone call, a visit, a trip but my mind focuses on it so when something doesn't happen a void appears and I then struggle to focus on the rest of the day.  Normally it wouldn't bother me as there are so many other things going on in my life that you just brush it off but at the moment I tend to focus on small stuff too much.   I have had a couple of "Oh sorry I've been so busy" or "oh sorry can't make it as I have jobs to do around the house".  What those guys didn't realise was that was my focus, so I felt let down, sad and unloved.  Some of you might say feeling sorry for myself and maybe I did but it made me think, have I done this in the past to friends and family.  We are all so busy just living that we forget to call friends.  We stop talking to each other because we are too busy, text and email is just easier to hide behind but the truth is we have to keep talking as thats what makes life as good as it is and makes us more human.  I had 2 calls this week from old friends who I haven't spoken to for ages.  It felt so lovely to talk. You know that feeling you get when you say to yourself "We must do that more often we get on so well".  It made me feel so much better.  We get so wrapped up in stuff that really isn't important and calling someone that maybe having a rough time could put a smile on their face.  Thats not a hint to call me but we all have friends that you put off calling just because.  Do me a favour call them and say hi forget that job that you need to do as guess what, the job can wait until tomorrow.


Yesterday was pretty rubbish too. I was again lead into a false sense of security on Friday when I felt better even though I didn't get out of my PJ's all day.  I started the day feeling good with Ali coming to do my injections and to take the ironing but by mid morning I just went downhill.  By 11 I was back in bed. Feeling sick really sick and I had been trying to shift a headache since Friday but both paracetamol and ibuprofen didn't touch it.  Zach had gone to football and Luke was playing up the road.  I hate doing it as I feel such a hypochondriac but after a couple of hours of sitting on the sittee and feeling like I was going to pass out I called the nurse. All down to the bloody injections.  The side effects change the further you go into your treatment and the sickness to comes back when my immune systems drops.   The afternoon was spent in my sitting room feeling very sorry for myself and then like a pathetic individual walked like a granny to Helen's and sat on her sofa for the afternoon and cried.  Even though there were 4 boys all playing around me just having noise stopped me on focusing on me.   I sent out a couple of texts for help, one got ignored and the other was again too busy and had a party to go to. Helen and I were both due to go to a leaving party in the evening with all the girls from school as one is off to Aus to live.  I had decided by 3 that there was no way I could go but my dear friend Helen decided to miss the party and slept in Luke's bed for the night just incase I had to go to hospital during the night.  I am glad she did as just before bed I had another funny turn, the sickness kicked in and ended up with my head over the loo and then got my tablets down me and nearly fainted in the kitchen.

Its all so exhausting.  Really fed up with it and the interruption in other peoples lives that I have caused, I hate it.  Family you can accept to have to sacrifice for you as that it what they are meant to do but I find it so hard for my friends to do it.  I have an army of friends, injecting (cows), cleaning, cooking, washing, dog walking and ironing.  I really don't know what I would do without them, I just won't be able to cope, it would just be too hard.

I woke up today with not much sleep but didn't feel too bad.  It is just so mad that there is no reason for yesterday it just makes me realise that each day is different and to take each bit at a time.  I took the boys fishing as I can just watch in my chair while they fish.  I have no idea what to do so I am purely the taxi but fine with me.

A tough 48 hours

A tough few days

Yesterday I think was the worse day so far with my 3 treatments which is making me dread the next 3 a little more.  The last 2 days have been spent mostly laying horizontal.  Thank goodness for Netflicks.  I have never watched so much television in all my life, still won't do daytime TV though, I do have limits.   My energy levels are so low and not managing to lift a finger, I have been out on a few little trips but they are just so exhausting.  As the day went on yesterday the worse I seem to become.  Everything is an effort, I have a real heavy dragging feeling and my head just feels a mess. I sat and cried on the bed last night not knowing what to do with myself poor Charlotte sat next to me not knowing what to do either.  Its horrible really that no one can do anything to make this go away and this is something I just have to face head on and deal with on my own with my own strength. I am not sure what I would do sat next to someone feeling that nothing I said or did would help.   Not getting enough sleep doesn't help but I am hoping that will start to improve later in the week.  I just keep saying to myself 3 to go, 3 to go. I really had to pull myself together last night and get my head around how bad I feel and tell myself I can do this. 

 

My taste has changed again and unless it is either freezing cold or a very strong taste it makes me gag.  The gag reflex is becoming quite good.  Taking tablets is fun considering that I am popping tablets every 4 hours, brushing my teeth and now my staple diet of toast and jam all make me want to gag. 

This morning I made myself get out of bed and get showered.  I could quite easily have stayed there and slept all day but I know that won't do me any good whatsoever.  I got myself up, went to Hartley Wintney for a coffee and cake (thank you Teresa B).  Isn't amazing how a piece of cake and a good cup of coffee in the sun can make you feel so much better.  The side effects from the injections are kicking in good too!  My head is cold all the time, it is the strangest of feelings and my sinus feel like I am about to sneeze but nothing ever happens. 

It is still very hard to look at myself in the mirror with no hair.  It really doesn't look like me or feel like me.  I am getting use to it and not so conscious of being out in public but not sure whether that is because I don't care what anyone thinks.  

I am so so so so proud of Zach. The amount of money he has raised is just great.  He is currently a few pennies away from £1200.  I still can't believe he actually shaved his hair off and I am not sure his friends can either.  I had an interesting conversation with the school on Monday afternoon as I had forgotten to call them to let them know.  I was a little surprised with how his form tutor responded and wasn't that supportive and told me it was against the school rules and we should have waited I few weeks.  I get that and I am the first for rules at school but this was something that came from Zachary's heart and he needed to do it at the moment it felt right.  He has a little bounce in his step at the moment, I am sure there is a massive sense of achievement at a time that he has felt completely helpless. 

Up and down

Had a good giggle during treatment with Lucie and Kerrie.  L camed armed with games which didn't leave the bag.  We entertained the whole ward and in true fashion my laugh could be heard in the corridors.  It was nice to see other people smile when we are all having the same treatments as we could sit and be sad but what's the point.  I think the place went very quiet when we left.  The had trouble with my veins and couldn't get one in the arm at all so ended up going in by my elbow which was a lot better and I didn't get the pain or the coldness I have had with the first 2 treatments.

Well it's not been so bad. Looked pretty grey on Friday and had a sleepless night but I expected it this time.  Had a relatively good day and Kerrie drove me to Virginia Water.  A bit of a comedy act with K driving my car.  I put the sat nav on for her but not sure why I bothered as she ignored it and I still had it tell her where to go.  We bickered like 2 old grumpy women there and back but thankfully we have known each other for so long it didn't matter.  Brought back memories or when she would drive for me in Spain when I was a OPC.  I have to admit I was worried about her looking after me as Kerry's diet consists of wraps and coleslaw but she is doing a fab job cooking my veggy meals and they are excellent.  Thanks for the tip Helen, Vegan meals for one is coming up trumps.

Today hasn't been so good, just felt worn out and haven't moved for most of the day.  I did manage a bit if weeding and a gentle walk with Bongo.  The sickness is worse this time but the wobbles  and dizziness are not so bad. I am hoping that maybe the side effects from the injection won't be as bad.

Ben popped over with the boys and Zach came to have his hair shaved off.  We did have a tear but I am so proud of that boy.  It is such a brave thing to do and he's has raised £546 so far and his target is £750. Luke did want to shave his but Ben and I thought it wasn't such a good idea as tomorrow morning he would have one of his tantrums and refuse to got to school.

Please help Zach get his target www.justguving.com/zachkench or text 70070 ZACH53 £?

SX

Sobbed

A bit of a long day Yesterday.  It is the first day that I have spend on my own with no one around me at all since April 4th, when I was operated on.  A bit strange as I have no work to occupy myself and just time to wonder around the garden taking pictures.  I have cried and still can't believe it is all happening to me.  Sometimes I feel that I am not really in it at all and I am sitting outside looking it.  Then reality hits home that it is happening to me.  I do make myself spend time on my own as in October when this is all over everyone will want to get on with their own lives and forget I am here, you get very use to people being around. Thats not their fault and I wouldn't blame them as they say when one member of the family has cancer the whole family has it.  I suppose my life will go on as it did before. I think about how long it will take me to recover and get back to myself and I wonder whether I will ever be the same person again.  Time will tell.  I try and keep myself busy and something positive will come out of this shitty experience.

I have felt really good this week and have bounced back quite quickly.  Today was another lovely day spent with a friend and my sister having lunch and hanging around horses.  Even though I am not riding just being around horses makes me feel calm.  Watched chukkas tonight and made the most of feeling good but then on the other hand wanted to cry as tomorrow I am back to square one.  I sobbed on the way home just dreading the feeling I will have tomorrow.   Not sure how I drove home as i just couldn't stop myself crying.  I just feels wrong that when I am feeling so much better more toxic drugs will be pumped into me.  My bloods are excellent and the little scared that it was effecting my liver has passed but a little worried that it will arm hurt again.

More needles.

Every day I have been meaning to write my blog but time has just flown by.  I don't think I have stopped since last week which is a great really.  Doing this n that but mostly coffee and outings with friends and the boys.  By the end of each day I have been completely shattered but also fulfilled with the days events.  It is quite amazing that you can go with one week being completely knocked out to being today full of life.  I think I am making the most of feeling well.

It was quite an eventful week last week. On the Tuesday night while Evanda was here my arm which had been bothering me for days and was still playing up, painful and swollen. I decided to call and do something about it.  After 5 hours in AAU in Basingstoke the doctor came to the conclusion that the he thought I had a blood clot in my arm which was caused by the chemo thickening my blood.  I was given an injection and then sent on my way thinking I would be back in the morning for a scan.  The next day I got a call saying I needed another injection and my scan would not be until the following day.  So off I went to the hospital to get my injection.  While I was there I saw a doctor and he give me my jab but also explained that if it was a clot I would have to inject myself daily for the next 3 months.  I just started crying and sobbed and explained that I just can't inject myself.  I know that there are people out there that give themselves a daily jab but the thought just makes me feel sick.  A district nurse explained it really well and said that we all have a stress level limit and like a bucket of water the smallest of drops can spill over the edge.  This is how I felt just could cope with doing that on top of the other injections I'm having.  I have always been so resilient to stress and taken life in my stride but this whole experience has really has pushed me to my limits.  Anyway, the following day I went for the scan and thank goodness it came back clear and no clot. I could have jumped with joy. Felt so happy.

Even though it has been exhausting going in and out of hospital there are some positives that have come out of it.  My blood tests that the results show that my white blood count and Neuts...somethings have come back really strong and better than when I started chemo.  The side effects from the injection that I have to have for 7 days are worth it.

Still struggling with the hair lose and thanks to Evanda who made me get my wardrobe out and put different scarves on and just make myself feel better and I even let her take photos of me.  If they are any good I will put them up for you all to see.  Every day now I make an effort with necklaces, earrings and makeup. It does work, I do feel better or maybe just getting use to the idea that this is me for the time being.  Also an excuse for a bit of retail therapy and refreshed my scarf collection with some lovely summer pastel colours.

Had a very down moment last night and just cried.  I do feel very lonely sometimes not having anyone here to support me when I get these moments.

Had lunch today with a friend I have met because of cancer.  We walked the dogs and compared notes on side effects, feelings and life.  There is something about sharing stuff with someone going through the same thing.  No matter how detailed you explain to others what you are going through and how you feel I don't think they will ever understand what it is actually like. We laughed about sticky eyes, wind from both ends, hair and cravings.

This week is a busy one with lunches, coffees and outings.  I am even going to the pub on Wednesday for a quiz.  I won't be much good as not great at quizes but looking forward to getting out of the house and feeling normal.  On a bit of a count down before Friday, I can't think about it at all at the moment.

Sxx

Some normality

Did the school run this morning.

We had a bit of fun this morning with my head scarf and I let him create a look.  Children are so funny.  As you can image I ended up looking like a pirate which he thought looked fab but we both laughed together as he created a cool image for Mummy. It was amazing when I knelt down on my knees on his level and watch the excitement in his eyes.  I don't think I do that enough get down and make proper eye contact!

Luke bounced out the house holding my hand and hugged me when I told him he was I was taking him to school. God, I felt so conscious with my head scarf around my head.  I think even Luke could feel it.  He went very shy walking in the gates and did the hiding behind my leg thing that they all do.  Once the gates were open he was gone.  Part of me felt it was to get away from Mummy.  Seeing all the Mummies is so good.  They all make me smile and laugh.  I have missed you all and our fleeting chats as bags are handed over and things forgotten. This morning is was chat of drunken weekends and hangovers.   Slightly jealous but I am sure I will make up for all the partying I have missed when I get back on form.

Evanda (she has the pleasure of being married to one of my brothers) is here and filled the house with energy.  The kitchen has been cleaned literally from top to bottom and I don't think a corner will be left un-touch.  Lets just hope she stays away from the underwear draw!  She is amazing though and is determined to leave making me feel better about myself.  While chatting last night E mentioned taking some family portraits (she is a professional photographer) of the boys and I.  I looked at her with absolute shock.  I can't possible have a photo taken of me, not looking like I do!  This morning while finding scarves to wear I was so focused on hiding my head that E made a very valid point that I shouldn't hide, I should accessorize and use to add colour.  I will try but still feel like an egg head and not very feminine at all.  I know it is only for a short period and everyone tells me that I look good but in my mind I struggle so much with it.

I managed a short walk with Bongo this morning.  Walk is a loose term as not very quick at all.  More of a stroll.  Look forward to being able to stomp again.  All activities have worn me out but at least today is the last day of injections so my body will start feeling better and hopefully the tiredness will go a bit too.

Feeling better

Today I am starting to feel better, thank god.  Still tired and could sleep for a week but can move about a bit more.  It is so hard to learn how to relax properly and practise the art of doing nothing.  Helen left today.  Really enjoyed having her around.  She played around with my diet and found what works and what makes me feel bad.  Meat has become a no no.  It makes my heart race, gives me hot sweat and generally ill.  My body doesn't seem to be able to digest it.  The google queen (Helen) found out that chemo effects your digestion so that might explain why.  Even though for the last month I have been blocked up and last night had quite the reverse.  Spent about 2 hours on the loo.  Not sure which is worse!!

Having a bit of time to myself today with no one around.  Ali has taken the boys off for a run around so I am home alone.  It does feel strange.  You get very use to people being around you all the time and I suppose having company is my safety blanket.  I do start to fret a bit when i am on my own, when not feeling great.  The thermometer is next to me all the time.  Had a call from the calvary and (Evanda) is on route tomorrow for a few days.  I do find it very hard that there are conversations happening around me that I have no idea about.  Sometimes I want to scream. "I'm bloody here" but I know that it won't do any good.  I am learning to just let go and let others organise around me.  Helen has put up in the kitchen my diet plan with instructions of what and when.  Hilarious really, makes me smile that I am 42 years old and I have a care plan! I know how my Mum and Dad must have felt when we put things in place for Dad.  It did drive Mum nuts.  I have had Helen bossing me around for the last 6 days and I thought I was bossy!!!  Kerry came round and nearly left and she thought I have no chance with you both here!

Feel more cheerful today and smiling while I write this.

Just Pants!

Just pants!!

I'm having a daily injection to make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells.  The side effects are knocking me for six and yesterday was a shit day, I could barely move and my whole body felt like it has been hit by a bus.  It's really hard to explain, just horrid, I cried a lot again just wanting the horrible feelings to go. You would think that my body was going through enough already with the chemo let alone adding more drugs to the equation.  Feeling angry that haven't I got enough to deal with without this but don't really have any choice in the matter as without them my immune system would go dangerously low.  On Tuesday before the injections I was really okay and looking forward to getting out and walking the dog and taking Luke to school, there was light at the end of the tunnel.  There still is, but just a few days further away.  Looking forward to Monday when my daily injection finish and I can start to feel slightly normal again.  Really want to be able to take Luke to school.  Even though it is only a 50 metre walk and takes seconds to a 7 year old Mummy walking to school holding your hand is a big thing. This morning we had breakfast in bed together and just hang out until school time then off he went. Nothing has phased him so far but me not taking him to school is one step too far.  Tuesday morning he cried and won't go and I had to drag myself up and take him and then he still hung on to me wanting to know when am I going to be better.

This whole journey is teaching me to appreciate life and moments.  I am not going to start preaching but when the simplest of things are taken you feel bare.  I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see.  I know that it is only for a short period and my hair grows back but I just feel bare. No beauty, no walls, even a jaded personality. Everyone can see what is going on.  I am forced to look at my own face and see who I am. Life is so easy to run around and be busy and hide the real feelings inside.  I have been so good at this.  Work, children, fun, keeping fit and now it's gone, the wall has gone, all that is left is the true me. There are so many of us that never stop and hide behind our exterior. We are obsessed with success and wanting more all the time, it never ends.  I want to just feel well,  and get the boys to and from school, to walk Bongo and just have my spark back.   I think about love and wanting to have someone but the reality is that won't happen for quite some time as I will need to like myself again and that will not happen overnight. It does run through my mind that, who wants to be with someone that has had breast cancer, crazy and mad but just my thoughts. I have put on a stone and all my clothes are too tight which I hate more than anything.  I have always worked so hard at keeping fit and eating well.

I'm still analysing why me! I sit think about what has caused this and why.  I was fit, never ate rubbish food and looked after myself. Why me? At the beginning of the year I made the decision that this was a year to challenge myself.  Bloody hell the universe decided to take me to my limits and give me my biggest.  I know once all of the treatment is done I will be done with cancer but the light is in the distance.  Once I get past 3 I am half way there and on the home run.

Today i managed to shower which is one more step than yesterday.  I am feeling better today and managing the symptoms but getting there slowly.

Thank you to my dog walkers, Bongo is snoring loader than ever!

Emotional

Been a tough few days but hopefully through to the other side now.  Sickness after meals is still tough and more tired this time.  Sleep is getting better. Friday I was up until 4am, Saturday only between 2-4 and last night 3-4. Hoping for a full night tonight.  Yesterday I just couldn't get going at all.  I sat and watched Emily dig the weeds from the pond. One advantage of being I'll is you have lots so help do the garden.  She worked so hard but looks great.  Emily waited so I didn't lift a finger.  Some people are just good at caring for people.

Today another emotional day. Went for my reflexology at The Pink Place which was very relaxing.  Nice feeling to mix with other people that are going through the same thing and share experiences.  Met a lady that drinks in the coach and horses which was quite funny. Made the decision to shave my hair off today.  It was falling out at such a rate that I just wanted it done.  Cried as the girl was doing it. Just made it all a bit more final.  Came down stairs and the people were so kind and could see I was upset and all just hugged me and all became very tearful. Then had a lovey hug from Harry who picked me up was nice to see a familiar face. I was pretty exhausted after this morning so had lunch and put myself to bed for a few hours. Had a great sleep though. People's kindness still overwhelms me.  My dear friend Helen drove down from Nottingham to be with me this week, leaving her 2 boys behind with hubby to be with me.  She has packed her juicer and veg box so looks like I will be on a green stuff by the end of the week.  Coconut water this afternoon which took me ages to drink but slipped apple juice in to make it more palatable.  You tastebuds just change and foods you like just seem horrible now.

Boys back today. Zach was a little shocked by my hair and really didn't know what to say.  I think I will keep wearing hats just softens the whole experience. Luke didn't even mention it just looked and off he went.

No 2 done!

Had to be in basingstoke by 8 this morning to get blood test done for white blood cells. I thought it would be quiet but no such luck.  45 mins later I was done and the waiting begins.  I hate waiting it makes me so anxious got very stressed this morning.  Went for coffee with Kerry and Helen to kill some time which was such good fun.  Laughed so much and made quite a bit of noise with my load laugh.  A gentlemen in the waiting room said it was better than 'Loose Women'!

Finally at 10.30 the results came through.  Quick call to Em as she was waiting at Geneva  Airport to see if she gets on the flight or not. So relieved that my count went up from .7 to 3.7 since Wednesday. Maybe it was the steak and Guinness!  I couldn't bare waiting another week.  Didn't go for the cold cap just couldn't face it.  I had been in the hospital for 3 hours and to do another 3 hours just felt too much.  I am going to be officially a slap head, the hair is coming out, anyway, so baldy it is.  The experience today was so much better than the last, my nurse is just so much fun.   Had Helen running to the pharmacy getting my drugs.

Feeling good but that might be because I am sitting still in bed doing nothing.  Have different drugs for the sickness also injections to help the bone marrow produce more white blood cells.

All good and positive.

No crying today!

Up early this morning and walked Bongo.  Felt good to be out in the fresh air.  Best part of the day not sure Ali agreed.  Had a lazy morning with no boys so did my filing.....boy I love that job.  There was a lot of it and took a while but it has been sitting on my desk for sometime wanting to go in files.

Went into the hospital today and saw my Oncologist.  Why can things not be straightforward.  My white blood cells haven't got back to the normal.  At the moment they are 0.7 when they need to be 1.  Which means with them that low chemo won't go ahead and will need to be postponed until next week.  I think the doctor saw the horror on my face.  Dr Tinkler went off and chatted to few more people and came back.  She wants me back in tomorrow morning at 8 for another blood test to see if the count has gone up.  If it has I am to be blasted again if not next week it will be.  The planning that has taken place to ensure everything is covered and someone here is to look after me.  My sister is flying in from Geneva tomorrow.  It would be nice to have a chilled weekend with Em instead of me walking around like a zombie feeling constantly sick.

I haven't cried today...yipppeeee.  I think I used most of my tears up yesterday so on empty.

Felt pretty emotional over the last few days.  I didn't stop crying yesterday.  Not sure why, maybe anticipation for tomorrow or just having time to think.  Had blood tests which always brings it home that I am on this journey. Got home to an empty house as Charlotte wasn't well and she decided to take the boys to their Dads so I don't get the bug.  Home alone, didn't really know what to do with myself and there was a big void in my house.  Even though the boys fight continuously I miss them so much when they are not here.  They keep me going even though it is exhausting.  They won't be home until Monday which just seems ages away.

I thought that I would feel as good as last week and get a couple of runs in but just feel tired.  Maybe it is because I can now switch off as the boys are not here.  In a funny way I needed the space just to sit and cry and reflect over things.

Met a fellow cancer patient yesterday. She is on her 3rd chemo and doing FEC the same as me.  It was good to compare side effects and feeling.  I learnt Chemo Head yesterday.  I thought I was losing it but your brain goes all mushy.  I bit like being pregnant, the moment when you are trying to get a word out and it just doesn't happen.

Another hospital appointment today with my Oncologist, I will cry again this afternoon.  This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster.

One thing this whole experience is doing is making me appreciate.