Its really hard writing these blogs as I never really know whether I say too much or too little. I do sometimes sensor what I write and don't put exactly how I feel. Not sure if this is the right way or the wrong way.
The last few days have been full of emotions as well as illness. When I'm feeling poorly I tend to go into myself and think which sometimes isn't a good thing. My close friends can see when I do it and see that I even struggle to talk and go quiet. I have this vacant stare!
To get through the last few days I have to focus on the littlest of things to look forward to. Literally living each day at a time. It might a phone call, a visit, a trip but my mind focuses on it so when something doesn't happen a void appears and I then struggle to focus on the rest of the day. Normally it wouldn't bother me as there are so many other things going on in my life that you just brush it off but at the moment I tend to focus on small stuff too much. I have had a couple of "Oh sorry I've been so busy" or "oh sorry can't make it as I have jobs to do around the house". What those guys didn't realise was that was my focus, so I felt let down, sad and unloved. Some of you might say feeling sorry for myself and maybe I did but it made me think, have I done this in the past to friends and family. We are all so busy just living that we forget to call friends. We stop talking to each other because we are too busy, text and email is just easier to hide behind but the truth is we have to keep talking as thats what makes life as good as it is and makes us more human. I had 2 calls this week from old friends who I haven't spoken to for ages. It felt so lovely to talk. You know that feeling you get when you say to yourself "We must do that more often we get on so well". It made me feel so much better. We get so wrapped up in stuff that really isn't important and calling someone that maybe having a rough time could put a smile on their face. Thats not a hint to call me but we all have friends that you put off calling just because. Do me a favour call them and say hi forget that job that you need to do as guess what, the job can wait until tomorrow.
Yesterday was pretty rubbish too. I was again lead into a false sense of security on Friday when I felt better even though I didn't get out of my PJ's all day. I started the day feeling good with Ali coming to do my injections and to take the ironing but by mid morning I just went downhill. By 11 I was back in bed. Feeling sick really sick and I had been trying to shift a headache since Friday but both paracetamol and ibuprofen didn't touch it. Zach had gone to football and Luke was playing up the road. I hate doing it as I feel such a hypochondriac but after a couple of hours of sitting on the sittee and feeling like I was going to pass out I called the nurse. All down to the bloody injections. The side effects change the further you go into your treatment and the sickness to comes back when my immune systems drops. The afternoon was spent in my sitting room feeling very sorry for myself and then like a pathetic individual walked like a granny to Helen's and sat on her sofa for the afternoon and cried. Even though there were 4 boys all playing around me just having noise stopped me on focusing on me. I sent out a couple of texts for help, one got ignored and the other was again too busy and had a party to go to. Helen and I were both due to go to a leaving party in the evening with all the girls from school as one is off to Aus to live. I had decided by 3 that there was no way I could go but my dear friend Helen decided to miss the party and slept in Luke's bed for the night just incase I had to go to hospital during the night. I am glad she did as just before bed I had another funny turn, the sickness kicked in and ended up with my head over the loo and then got my tablets down me and nearly fainted in the kitchen.
Its all so exhausting. Really fed up with it and the interruption in other peoples lives that I have caused, I hate it. Family you can accept to have to sacrifice for you as that it what they are meant to do but I find it so hard for my friends to do it. I have an army of friends, injecting (cows), cleaning, cooking, washing, dog walking and ironing. I really don't know what I would do without them, I just won't be able to cope, it would just be too hard.
I woke up today with not much sleep but didn't feel too bad. It is just so mad that there is no reason for yesterday it just makes me realise that each day is different and to take each bit at a time. I took the boys fishing as I can just watch in my chair while they fish. I have no idea what to do so I am purely the taxi but fine with me.
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