March will never be the same

This month brings back some memory's being the start of my journey.  I have written this over the month of March as things come into my head, so sorry if it jumps all over the place.

Back to the beginning.
This time last year I found the lump, which I thought nothing of at the time.  I had found a lump in July of 2012 so really didn't think any of it really.  I had made the appointment with the Doctor but was pretty chilled. Kerry and I went away for the weekend which was full of fun and booze.  How little did I know that this lump would change my life forever. Even the doctor was positive and said that it wasn't hard and lumpy which is what cancer normally feels like. All the emotions I felt last year are starting to come back.  I know every date of every major appointment.

The 17th was my first appointment for the test.  I actually knew 3 ladies that were there on the same day as me. Stats say one in 3 but I never in a million years thought this would be me.  I was the fittest I had ever been and was due to do a triathlon on the 1st weekend of April.  I went through the same stages as the previous year, but this time the scan showed a shadow in the lump.  They put a local anesthetic in and did a biopsy, there and then. Poor Laura, who hates needles sat at the opposite end of the room otherwise she would be fainted, which apparently normally the men.  They went in twice and the second time hurt.  I knew something was not quite right as we got taken off into another room for a cup of tea.  The results would take 5 days to come through so I wouldn't know anything until the 25th March.  That weekend I think was the worst ever, not knowing and having the lump in your throat with worry.  I just had to keep myself busy and try not to worry too much, but easier said than done.

I don't think I prepared myself for the worse, in my normal way of battle on with no one can touch me attitude. Jesus, I had no idea how this would impact my life.

March 25th will be in my diary for the rest of my days.  Even though I have some exciting stuff happening in my life the big C is always in the back of my mind.   Today I looked at my Facebook page and all the events, photos and messages that have happened over the last year. Does make me cry but also gives me the realization that life is good and I have to be very grateful for that.  I think sometimes we all take for granted what we have but I know that just being here is awesome. I really do have a zest for life.  I did my longest bike ride at the weekend, 55km and felt fine afterwards.  On most of the rides I have been on I felt jaded for a few hours, but on Saturday I didn't it felt like a big milestone in my recovery.

Part of me now doesn't want to look back, just forget and get on with my life and with so much going on it is easier to do this. Maybe I should, I can't change what happened to me even though it is now part of me, thankfully it isn't the sentence for breast cancer suffers anymore and there are some good stats out there.  I am very positive about life and with a new love in my life, it couldn't get any better.

I still sit here and can't believe all that has happened to me in the past year, all seems a little unreal and now this new chapter is just so incredibly exciting and every move I make seems to be making a difference.  Lets hope this continues.

Thank you everyone for all your amazing support.

First proper check up

I wrote this on the 19th Feb, just forgot to post it.

I really get stressed before an appointment, I should be pleased and relieved as I am on the treadmill, but it seems such a long time from finishing treatment to my first appointment which was only last week.  I suppose there is a lot of fear in there that there might be another lump or something could be wrong, it is such an unknown field.  No one can say you are cured, no one can tell you it will never return.  Every little stabbing pain you get, your automatic reaction is to think "is it back?" Things are good though, I have repaired well, but the breast pain could be there for a week, a month or forever, it is such an individual thing. Just something you have to live with.  Its a consent monitoring. The nice thing was to have someone there that you are emotionally involved with.  I love my friends and they were all so amazing and would never let me do a hospital visit on my own, but to have a hug when tears build up in your eyes just helps.  Ironically, I was in the same room, as last year.  I did start to cry as it brought back that day, nearly one year ago when I was told I had breast cancer. Can't believe it really sat here writing this.

God so much has happened in the last 12 months, okay, some of it has been shit, but there has been so much good stuff too.  It has changed me and I feel, in a better way. Maybe I am more honest with myself in situations, also to trust myself that things will be okay.  The cancer is all around us now.  More and more people of being diagnosed. I had a mail today from a friend whose friend has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and not dealing with it very well, he asked me if I would speak with her.  I feel privileged that he has asked me and that I can help.  It is such a lonely time and all the people you love try so hard to support you, but what goes through your head is just about dying.  You have to work through it so quickly before it takes hold and brings you down and let the cancer win.   I know that I have said this before, but is mind games, cancer f**ks with your head.  Quite a deep one this one, didn't plan for it to be but haven't written in a while so maybe more thoughts are coming out.