Really funny that I can for the first time in 7 months I can see the end. I have so many mixed emotions.
Not sure, what to do, cry, laugh, celebrate. I cried quite a bit over the last few days, maybe it is just because I feel tired. I broke down completely on Friday, in public, not a great place to really sob. Ironically, I was attending a McMillian coffee morning and was happily chatting away to a gentleman, I had never met. He had lost his wife 2 1/2 years ago to breast cancer. It didn't get her straight away, it came back 3 years later. I really tried to compose myself, but could feel the emotions welling up and I just broke down and cried. Don't know if it was the reality of what was happening or the truth of how scared I feel sometimes of it coming back. The poor guy didn't know what to do with himself, while I sobbed. Just so close to home and too raw for words.
I have such mixed emotions about next week. There is a part of me that feels safe while I am having treatment, it has become my safety blanket, but a week Friday when it has all finished, that blanket goes. It does scare the hell out of me, don't know why, just terrifies me. I am expected to just carry on with life as though nothing has happened. I know that this is something I am very good at, but this feels different.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Normality at last.
Just starting to feel tired now. Not sure if it is the radio or the driving to Guildford every day, but thanks to my army of friends who are doing the driving everyday it is not so bad.
Not so, invasive as chemo and the side effects are minimal, thank goodness. My skin is starting to go pink and the scar is a little sore, but overall not too bad at all.
Feeling pretty elevated at the moment, and feeling pretty normal. Last weekend I went out on both Friday and Saturday night. Friday night was the first time I have been out for 5 months. We all sat in the pub and then went for an Indian. Felt so good to be out and feel normal, even though I wasn't drinking and laughing at those who were. It felt good to be out in the crowd. Okay, my hair is still a little short but growing fast, I didn't feel like a cancer patient. It's funny that I still cannot get used to short hair even though all of my friends tell me that it really suits me and I should keep it short, I struggle with feeling feminine. Maybe this will change when it is a tad longer and I can have a fringe or more of a style that I have created. I have even changed the way I dress to suit my hair style. Dresses just seem to look wrong, it is most probably me that thinks this, but just the way I feel.
I can't wait until it has all finished, can't wait to be able to say the treatment the is over. I know that my journey with cancer will never come to an end, it will always be in the back of my mind, will it come back. I don't think negatively about it, just in my thoughts. I have managed to get rid of nearly all the weight I gained over the last 5 months. I have lost 7 kilos so far and only 2 left and I will be the same weight as back in March. I know a lot of people say I shouldn't worry about this, but I need to feel good about myself and control my weight is one thing I can control. I don't want it to slip on without realising.
After a little telling off by the nurse, I have decided to hang up my running shoes for a few weeks. I really struggled the other week and felt all wrong. I have found pilates though, I did enjoy it. I have always been a bit of a cardio junkie, but after my hour lesson, it felt great, it hurt and I slept like a log.
The boys seem to be getting back into normal life now Mummy is feeling good. They back to testing me and not so conscious about me being worn out. Luke is back to his normal awkwardness in the morning and my continuous negotiations to get an item on clothing on or to eat breakfast. Zach is back to his cheeky self with no weight on his shoulders to make sure I rest and not do too much. I didn't realise how much they both adapted themselves to me being ill until recently. Zach would get frustrated with Luke being awkward and getting upset and falling out, but now it seems life is getting back to normal. Zach's sense of humor is back and we have our normal giggles. We went out on our mountain bikes and did a bit of off roading, it was great fun and even had Luke throwing his bike in the hedge, because it is rubbish.
My garden has been great medicine for me too. Even though quite wild I have slowly cleared areas of it. Fingers crossed, chickens will be here soon. Work is the last bit to get back to normal and I am aiming for the 1st November after a well deserved holiday in October with the boys and Emily's family. Not sure what I would do with Em, always being there, putting her family out so that we benefit. I will never be able to say thank you enough to certain friends and family who have made this journey much easier.
Not so, invasive as chemo and the side effects are minimal, thank goodness. My skin is starting to go pink and the scar is a little sore, but overall not too bad at all.
Feeling pretty elevated at the moment, and feeling pretty normal. Last weekend I went out on both Friday and Saturday night. Friday night was the first time I have been out for 5 months. We all sat in the pub and then went for an Indian. Felt so good to be out and feel normal, even though I wasn't drinking and laughing at those who were. It felt good to be out in the crowd. Okay, my hair is still a little short but growing fast, I didn't feel like a cancer patient. It's funny that I still cannot get used to short hair even though all of my friends tell me that it really suits me and I should keep it short, I struggle with feeling feminine. Maybe this will change when it is a tad longer and I can have a fringe or more of a style that I have created. I have even changed the way I dress to suit my hair style. Dresses just seem to look wrong, it is most probably me that thinks this, but just the way I feel.
I can't wait until it has all finished, can't wait to be able to say the treatment the is over. I know that my journey with cancer will never come to an end, it will always be in the back of my mind, will it come back. I don't think negatively about it, just in my thoughts. I have managed to get rid of nearly all the weight I gained over the last 5 months. I have lost 7 kilos so far and only 2 left and I will be the same weight as back in March. I know a lot of people say I shouldn't worry about this, but I need to feel good about myself and control my weight is one thing I can control. I don't want it to slip on without realising.
After a little telling off by the nurse, I have decided to hang up my running shoes for a few weeks. I really struggled the other week and felt all wrong. I have found pilates though, I did enjoy it. I have always been a bit of a cardio junkie, but after my hour lesson, it felt great, it hurt and I slept like a log.
The boys seem to be getting back into normal life now Mummy is feeling good. They back to testing me and not so conscious about me being worn out. Luke is back to his normal awkwardness in the morning and my continuous negotiations to get an item on clothing on or to eat breakfast. Zach is back to his cheeky self with no weight on his shoulders to make sure I rest and not do too much. I didn't realise how much they both adapted themselves to me being ill until recently. Zach would get frustrated with Luke being awkward and getting upset and falling out, but now it seems life is getting back to normal. Zach's sense of humor is back and we have our normal giggles. We went out on our mountain bikes and did a bit of off roading, it was great fun and even had Luke throwing his bike in the hedge, because it is rubbish.
My garden has been great medicine for me too. Even though quite wild I have slowly cleared areas of it. Fingers crossed, chickens will be here soon. Work is the last bit to get back to normal and I am aiming for the 1st November after a well deserved holiday in October with the boys and Emily's family. Not sure what I would do with Em, always being there, putting her family out so that we benefit. I will never be able to say thank you enough to certain friends and family who have made this journey much easier.
Thursday, 11 September 2014
2 in one day, you are lucky!!!
Well, I am 2 down on my radiotherapy, only 21 one more to go. Seems like loads but I am sure it will fly by. I have to travel to Guildford every day until 10th October, oh, I get the weekends off.
Yesterday was the first one, You have in your mind what will happen and how it will be. You have a huge machine that sits over you, but the radio waves come from the sides rather than from above which is the way I thought it would be delivered. Very quick and only in for 12 minutes. No time at all. Seems like a lot of fuss, but something I have to do. Slightly stressed out today as there was an accident on the way which meant I was very late. As soon as I go there I was taken in. It is really funny that now it seems almost normal to strip off on top and just stand there, makes me laugh. I have no problem with the nurses pulling me around, don't think twice about it. 6 months ago I would have swarmed and blushed. All these women lined up, half bald, half not just waiting to get zapped. Could make a great comedy sketch!! Some are almost scared to look at you and other willing to talk. These experiences should bring you together rather than make you look at the floor. I have hair now so I go in with my head held high and in my normal fashion talk to anyone that is willing to listen. I may never meet these people again, but we are all here for the same reason, to get cured. I do wonder how many will survive and how many will die within 10 years. I was talking with a friend who I have met through this and she made a comment which really hits home everything. She said "I really hope I reach 50". It's then you go, shit, it's pretty crap. I am on drugs to stop it coming back and hope that in 10 years there will be a cure. We both had a giggle and compared scares, which has become my new party trick :).
Booked a holiday today. Will give me something to look forward too. The boys are so excited all ready. Zach's fishing gear is now in his bedroom and he has already decided what he is taking. Very funny as it is another 8 weeks before we go. Even booking a holiday is different now, many insurance companies will not touch you with a barge pole when booking holiday insurance. I never really bothered before and had my European card and that's it, but just feel I should. I won't be allowed in the sun and if I do I have to cover up my chest as it will be still sore from Radiotherapy.
Yesterday was the first one, You have in your mind what will happen and how it will be. You have a huge machine that sits over you, but the radio waves come from the sides rather than from above which is the way I thought it would be delivered. Very quick and only in for 12 minutes. No time at all. Seems like a lot of fuss, but something I have to do. Slightly stressed out today as there was an accident on the way which meant I was very late. As soon as I go there I was taken in. It is really funny that now it seems almost normal to strip off on top and just stand there, makes me laugh. I have no problem with the nurses pulling me around, don't think twice about it. 6 months ago I would have swarmed and blushed. All these women lined up, half bald, half not just waiting to get zapped. Could make a great comedy sketch!! Some are almost scared to look at you and other willing to talk. These experiences should bring you together rather than make you look at the floor. I have hair now so I go in with my head held high and in my normal fashion talk to anyone that is willing to listen. I may never meet these people again, but we are all here for the same reason, to get cured. I do wonder how many will survive and how many will die within 10 years. I was talking with a friend who I have met through this and she made a comment which really hits home everything. She said "I really hope I reach 50". It's then you go, shit, it's pretty crap. I am on drugs to stop it coming back and hope that in 10 years there will be a cure. We both had a giggle and compared scares, which has become my new party trick :).
Booked a holiday today. Will give me something to look forward too. The boys are so excited all ready. Zach's fishing gear is now in his bedroom and he has already decided what he is taking. Very funny as it is another 8 weeks before we go. Even booking a holiday is different now, many insurance companies will not touch you with a barge pole when booking holiday insurance. I never really bothered before and had my European card and that's it, but just feel I should. I won't be allowed in the sun and if I do I have to cover up my chest as it will be still sore from Radiotherapy.
First time in ages
A little delayed in publishing this, should have done it on Monday.
Isn't it funny how we take things for granted.
I was having a good tidy up at the weekend and for the first time in a long time I opened my 'hair' drawer. I honestly cannot remember the last time I used a hair brush, it seems such a long time ago. It is the first time I have even thought about hair brushes. I used shampoo this morning for the first time too! I really didn't need to, I only have about 1 cm of growth, but it felt good to just rub in and wash out.
Last night I sat in the sitting room and watch television on my own which I haven't done for months and months. It has become a habit to go to bed at the same time as Zach. I didn't feel exhausted but felt normal what ever normal is these days. The little things that most people do every day without even thinking about it, we all just take as normal, but it is quite mad when those things are taken away from you and then returned. These things are so basic but felt quite strange for me. It appears that I have got out of the habit of grooming myself that now I have to make a conscious effort to do it. Maybe I should go hippy and not bother!!!!
I had a good weekend this weekend with no tears, no negative thoughts, all very good. Met with friends, gardened for hours and even baked again, gosh, I haven't done that in ages either. Flapjacks, banana muffins and carrot cake.
Even though radiotherapy starts this week feeling good about it. A little apprehensive as like chemo you don't know how your body is going to react. Some fly through it and others get sore and tired. I am hoping that it won't be too difficult and I will be able to carry on with life as normal.
Isn't it funny how we take things for granted.
I was having a good tidy up at the weekend and for the first time in a long time I opened my 'hair' drawer. I honestly cannot remember the last time I used a hair brush, it seems such a long time ago. It is the first time I have even thought about hair brushes. I used shampoo this morning for the first time too! I really didn't need to, I only have about 1 cm of growth, but it felt good to just rub in and wash out.
Last night I sat in the sitting room and watch television on my own which I haven't done for months and months. It has become a habit to go to bed at the same time as Zach. I didn't feel exhausted but felt normal what ever normal is these days. The little things that most people do every day without even thinking about it, we all just take as normal, but it is quite mad when those things are taken away from you and then returned. These things are so basic but felt quite strange for me. It appears that I have got out of the habit of grooming myself that now I have to make a conscious effort to do it. Maybe I should go hippy and not bother!!!!
I had a good weekend this weekend with no tears, no negative thoughts, all very good. Met with friends, gardened for hours and even baked again, gosh, I haven't done that in ages either. Flapjacks, banana muffins and carrot cake.
Even though radiotherapy starts this week feeling good about it. A little apprehensive as like chemo you don't know how your body is going to react. Some fly through it and others get sore and tired. I am hoping that it won't be too difficult and I will be able to carry on with life as normal.
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
A bit heavy!!
Families are funny things. We put up with so much from our families, but would never do the same if our friends treated us in the same way.
We have all had fall outs with brothers, sisters, Mums and Dads but sometimes you do get to a place in your life where you think, I am not making the effort anymore. It is just too much hard work being the one that makes the calls, makes the visits and the one that cares. Yes, we all care about people, but do we really put ourselves out for others. Unfortunately, we live our lives with convenience and this is also with our families and friends too.
When I was in Devon, I met up with old friends whom I hadn't contacted, for years, but so glad that we ALL made the effort and arranged dinner. It felt like time had not passed and we had not changed at all. None of them had aged either... Bloody cows!! :)
I am going to make time with people who deserve it. The rest, well can just go forth. I just don't understand why people have no feelings or understanding of what others are going through. I just can't get my head around how children can hate their parents so much that they don't even stop to talk with them. Our parents are the most treasured people, they brought us into this world and loved us, yes their decisions we might not agree with but they still made us who we are. It amazes me that others feel that if you don't give or help them, why should they do anything for you. There are so many friends and family like that. Always want something in return instead of being just nice people and give. It comes back anyway, just takes time. How can families be so cruel and how mothers will protect her children and cover for them even though in her heart she knows that they are pretty crap. I have spent so much of my life just keeping quiet and not speaking the truth with close friends and family that I cannot do it anymore. I will not make excuses for family, boyfriends or friends that are selfish and just take. We all say that family is the most important thing, but there are so many people out there that don't really care. It plays on my mind a lot. As you can tell I have got some pent up emotions at the moment that I am having to get rid of. My head is spinning with so many different things all at once. It is actually driving me a bit nuts. I don't seem to be able to clear my mind and that sad thing is it is, all stuff is from people in my close inner circle. Maybe this journey is about clearing all those emotions I have had over the years, all the darkest ones that I have never been able to face before and now I have no choice but to deal with them.
We need to be educated again as a society. We need to learn how to be kind and understanding. Over the summer I saw friends that I haven't seen for years who made the effort and contacted me to visit. It felt wonderful that they live 2 hours away made the time to see me. Thank you Martin and Ali. It does hurt though, as once the chemo stopped, Family stop calling to check on you, friends are busy and there is me desperately trying to hold things together and not fall apart because actually I feel shit, I feel sad, I want to cry all the time, I want to shout at people. On the exterior we all look okay, but underneath far from it. I know there is nothing anyone can do about how I feel. I have to keep filling the hole I am in so I don't go too deep. It is like the boat has a leak and you are trying so hard to make sure you stay afloat. Some days it is easy, but on other days you work like crazy to keep the water out. That's how I feel. That's what cancer does to you. It strips you bare and makes you weak and vulnerable physically and emotionally and then plays with your mind. My sister in law said to me back in March. "You will never be the same again". I was, no way not me, I am invincible, I will be the same. She was right though, I will never be the same person. I suppose I am mourning that fact, I am coming to terms with it more and more. I just hope I keep my persuasive side else I am truly buggered!
I completely understand now why people say when you have or had cancer, it is a journey and a battle. It is almost a battle of wills of who will win, who will take control and step up and fight stronger. That is why people say stay positive because that is what it is. The toughest wins.
We have all had fall outs with brothers, sisters, Mums and Dads but sometimes you do get to a place in your life where you think, I am not making the effort anymore. It is just too much hard work being the one that makes the calls, makes the visits and the one that cares. Yes, we all care about people, but do we really put ourselves out for others. Unfortunately, we live our lives with convenience and this is also with our families and friends too.
When I was in Devon, I met up with old friends whom I hadn't contacted, for years, but so glad that we ALL made the effort and arranged dinner. It felt like time had not passed and we had not changed at all. None of them had aged either... Bloody cows!! :)
I am going to make time with people who deserve it. The rest, well can just go forth. I just don't understand why people have no feelings or understanding of what others are going through. I just can't get my head around how children can hate their parents so much that they don't even stop to talk with them. Our parents are the most treasured people, they brought us into this world and loved us, yes their decisions we might not agree with but they still made us who we are. It amazes me that others feel that if you don't give or help them, why should they do anything for you. There are so many friends and family like that. Always want something in return instead of being just nice people and give. It comes back anyway, just takes time. How can families be so cruel and how mothers will protect her children and cover for them even though in her heart she knows that they are pretty crap. I have spent so much of my life just keeping quiet and not speaking the truth with close friends and family that I cannot do it anymore. I will not make excuses for family, boyfriends or friends that are selfish and just take. We all say that family is the most important thing, but there are so many people out there that don't really care. It plays on my mind a lot. As you can tell I have got some pent up emotions at the moment that I am having to get rid of. My head is spinning with so many different things all at once. It is actually driving me a bit nuts. I don't seem to be able to clear my mind and that sad thing is it is, all stuff is from people in my close inner circle. Maybe this journey is about clearing all those emotions I have had over the years, all the darkest ones that I have never been able to face before and now I have no choice but to deal with them.
We need to be educated again as a society. We need to learn how to be kind and understanding. Over the summer I saw friends that I haven't seen for years who made the effort and contacted me to visit. It felt wonderful that they live 2 hours away made the time to see me. Thank you Martin and Ali. It does hurt though, as once the chemo stopped, Family stop calling to check on you, friends are busy and there is me desperately trying to hold things together and not fall apart because actually I feel shit, I feel sad, I want to cry all the time, I want to shout at people. On the exterior we all look okay, but underneath far from it. I know there is nothing anyone can do about how I feel. I have to keep filling the hole I am in so I don't go too deep. It is like the boat has a leak and you are trying so hard to make sure you stay afloat. Some days it is easy, but on other days you work like crazy to keep the water out. That's how I feel. That's what cancer does to you. It strips you bare and makes you weak and vulnerable physically and emotionally and then plays with your mind. My sister in law said to me back in March. "You will never be the same again". I was, no way not me, I am invincible, I will be the same. She was right though, I will never be the same person. I suppose I am mourning that fact, I am coming to terms with it more and more. I just hope I keep my persuasive side else I am truly buggered!
I completely understand now why people say when you have or had cancer, it is a journey and a battle. It is almost a battle of wills of who will win, who will take control and step up and fight stronger. That is why people say stay positive because that is what it is. The toughest wins.
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