Had a better week this week, thankfully. Only one day I had to just hang up my boots for the day. It is really the strangest of feeling, but when it (I think I am going to call them My Cancer Day) hits you it completely takes your feet from underneath you. I woke up feeling really sluggish and as the morning went on it just got worse. It is like it takes over your mind as well as your body and even putting one foot in front of the other seems like such hard work. I did try and work through it, but it was no good I had to give in. I spent most of the morning watching television and work a grand total of 2 hours all day. I suppose for now I need to just get used to things and not try and worry about anything else apart from relaxing. I am looking forward to the next year and hopefully slowly these becoming a distant memory. The next day I woke up and felt great, took Bongo out for a walk with no troubles at all. Just mad how it takes you for one day then goes. I can't even predict when they are going to happen. I did try and analysis the day before and see what I did that might have triggered it but a bit of a pointless effort really. The drugs I am taking could be causing, but who knows.
As you will all know I went on my first date last weekend, which was totally rubbish, but had another one on Friday which I am pleased to say was a lot better. Isn't it funny how company with the opposite sex can make you feel so much better in life. Just someone wanting to be with you. Love really does make the world go around. No matter how much money you have, if you don't have love, it is all very pointless. We all moan about our partners, but the truth is you would miss them like mad if you didn't have them and you would still want to be loved. I know my boys love me and I couldn't be without them, but not quite the same.
Just actually feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time and almost attractive again. It is amazing what a bit of attention can do! Lots of people, even dates "ask if am I going my hair long again?" I am not sure. Even little Luke said this morning that he likes my hair short. He had found some photos on his camera that were from last year and we sat in bed looking at them. Now that I am getting it cut and creating the style I want I am quite enjoying the ease of it. Still have bad hair days though, and so much wax is used to flatten my mass down. It really is like a toilet brush if I do nothing with it.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Monday, 17 November 2014
First Date!
Well, thankfully I managed myself in a better way last week. The keep going until I drop mentality just doesn't work anymore.
I have had to come to a few realisations that it is going to take me longer to get myself back up to where I was in March and I have to take it a lot slower. It's hard to manage yourself, when it is something you have never had to do before. I rode at the weekend and changed the routine to mucking out first, then riding, which seemed to work and felt great when I came back. Went cycling yesterday, which was fab and hard work. Did 17 miles, but instead of carrying on with my day trying to get stuff done, I had to sit for an hour or so until my energy levels were up again. I know you might say "if it drains you, why do it?" It makes me feel so good while I am doing it and after. It gets my head straight and focused rather than feeling sorry for myself.
I went on my first date yesterday, what a bloody disaster. I put myself back on the dating sites as I needed to do something to make me feel better about myself and the way I look. I know that my hair looks okay, but it is about how I feel inside with my confidence which has taken a little tumble. I felt so depressed last week. Well, I was thankful that someone was interested! Met this guy for coffee, he was straight away a bit too short, turn up in a lotus, should have walked away at that point, but being a glutton for punishment I went in. OMG, he talked about himself for one hour and keep going on about my hair looking better long rather than short. Well, after 50 mins I plucked up enough courage up to say, I am sorry I am leaving. He then did continue with, you must grow your hair. I had to let him have it, I couldn't keep it in any longer. I blurted out that my hair was short because I am recovering from cancer. I did want to follow it with your twat but thought I would be as polite as possible. The poor mans face just dropped he didn't know where to look. I did feel a lot of satisfaction after that. Wasn't sure whether to cry or just laugh. It's so tough, knowing whether to tell someone about my journey. I ask myself so many questions all the time. Will they run away? Will it scare them? I know that the right person will. It does go through my mind that who wants to be with someone that was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. Who wants to take the risk of maybe coming back. Maybe it is because I am not sure if I could! On a really positive note, I then got chatting to another gentleman (you know me, I don't hang around for anyone) and he seems delightful. Even quite excited about our date on Friday. Loads in common, so watch this space.
I have had to come to a few realisations that it is going to take me longer to get myself back up to where I was in March and I have to take it a lot slower. It's hard to manage yourself, when it is something you have never had to do before. I rode at the weekend and changed the routine to mucking out first, then riding, which seemed to work and felt great when I came back. Went cycling yesterday, which was fab and hard work. Did 17 miles, but instead of carrying on with my day trying to get stuff done, I had to sit for an hour or so until my energy levels were up again. I know you might say "if it drains you, why do it?" It makes me feel so good while I am doing it and after. It gets my head straight and focused rather than feeling sorry for myself.
I went on my first date yesterday, what a bloody disaster. I put myself back on the dating sites as I needed to do something to make me feel better about myself and the way I look. I know that my hair looks okay, but it is about how I feel inside with my confidence which has taken a little tumble. I felt so depressed last week. Well, I was thankful that someone was interested! Met this guy for coffee, he was straight away a bit too short, turn up in a lotus, should have walked away at that point, but being a glutton for punishment I went in. OMG, he talked about himself for one hour and keep going on about my hair looking better long rather than short. Well, after 50 mins I plucked up enough courage up to say, I am sorry I am leaving. He then did continue with, you must grow your hair. I had to let him have it, I couldn't keep it in any longer. I blurted out that my hair was short because I am recovering from cancer. I did want to follow it with your twat but thought I would be as polite as possible. The poor mans face just dropped he didn't know where to look. I did feel a lot of satisfaction after that. Wasn't sure whether to cry or just laugh. It's so tough, knowing whether to tell someone about my journey. I ask myself so many questions all the time. Will they run away? Will it scare them? I know that the right person will. It does go through my mind that who wants to be with someone that was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. Who wants to take the risk of maybe coming back. Maybe it is because I am not sure if I could! On a really positive note, I then got chatting to another gentleman (you know me, I don't hang around for anyone) and he seems delightful. Even quite excited about our date on Friday. Loads in common, so watch this space.
Sunday, 9 November 2014
I'm Still here!
I have put up a few posts in between this one, but sometimes, I don't feel like sharing it with the world and I leave it with individuals that want to come here and have a read. Just how I feel.
It has been a fun weekend, I can't say I feel on top of the world. My mind is good and very positive, but my strength seems to have plummeted. I have done quite a bit this week as well as my first week back at work. Yesterday and today I have just felt awful.
When I was mucking out on Friday after riding for an hour, I could barely lift the wheel barrow. I really did think that I would start getting better by the day, but the tiredness stills seems to be there quite a lot. I am falling asleep in the evening on the sitee by 8.30pm. Yesterday I felt really tearful. I was fretting over a load of wood being delivered and how I was going to put it all in the shed. I have energy for an hour depending what I am doing, but lifting takes it out of me. Anyway, after football with Zach and Luke, I came home to a clean drive and a shed full to the brim with wood. Thank you to my amazing, awesome neighbors who without me there put it all away. I did burst into tears, as it is a realistion that I cannot do things at the same rate as before and even though the treatment is finished I still need my friends around me to help and still let them help. I crashed for the rest of the day and was pretty much the same on Today. I managed to clean a few leaves up but then went back inside. Instead of focusing myself to pick leaves up I made the boys help me which they were not impressed with. Kids can be so cruel, both shouting at me telling me that they are not my slaves and they don't have to do anything at Dad's. I know it is children being children, but hard work battling with them all the time as well as trying to muster up the energy to keep the house too. It is so hard to describe how you feel, but it is like lifting your arms is such hard work and you have to lift with your mind as well as your body. So many people you talk to that have been or going through this experience all say, that cancer plays with your head. It's days like today that I miss having someone around to pick up and take over instead of that feeling like you are battling alone in this world. Don't worry, I don't feel sorry for myself, but boy it is hard dealing the afterlife of cancer when you don't have a partner, you feel very much alone. Your partner might wind you up, but having someone to share life with is so important and when you don't and become ill, it is really bloody crap. No matter how many awesome friends you have around you, it will never replace that partnership you have with someone.
I have also noticed how bad my memory is now too. Before I would never forget anything and would only have to put it in the diary, but now, I have to set reminders as well as putting it in my diary. It is tough having to reprogramme your brain, and teach yourself to do things in a different way. Last Monday, I forgot Zacharys private tuition and then Luke's Cubs. It could be down to the Tamoxinfin.
My first week at work has been great even though tiring. Being self employed is hard as I have to go back all or nothing. I had to get my mind going, it was making me feel depressed, not having a focus. Just sometimes think it would have been nice to have gone back in a more gradual way. I know it will work itself out as it always does. I have a few new projects that I am working on which I hope will mean that I don't have to do so much of the work and I can employ others to do it for me. But like everything in life, it takes time to build but I do feel pretty confident about it all.
It has been a fun weekend, I can't say I feel on top of the world. My mind is good and very positive, but my strength seems to have plummeted. I have done quite a bit this week as well as my first week back at work. Yesterday and today I have just felt awful.
When I was mucking out on Friday after riding for an hour, I could barely lift the wheel barrow. I really did think that I would start getting better by the day, but the tiredness stills seems to be there quite a lot. I am falling asleep in the evening on the sitee by 8.30pm. Yesterday I felt really tearful. I was fretting over a load of wood being delivered and how I was going to put it all in the shed. I have energy for an hour depending what I am doing, but lifting takes it out of me. Anyway, after football with Zach and Luke, I came home to a clean drive and a shed full to the brim with wood. Thank you to my amazing, awesome neighbors who without me there put it all away. I did burst into tears, as it is a realistion that I cannot do things at the same rate as before and even though the treatment is finished I still need my friends around me to help and still let them help. I crashed for the rest of the day and was pretty much the same on Today. I managed to clean a few leaves up but then went back inside. Instead of focusing myself to pick leaves up I made the boys help me which they were not impressed with. Kids can be so cruel, both shouting at me telling me that they are not my slaves and they don't have to do anything at Dad's. I know it is children being children, but hard work battling with them all the time as well as trying to muster up the energy to keep the house too. It is so hard to describe how you feel, but it is like lifting your arms is such hard work and you have to lift with your mind as well as your body. So many people you talk to that have been or going through this experience all say, that cancer plays with your head. It's days like today that I miss having someone around to pick up and take over instead of that feeling like you are battling alone in this world. Don't worry, I don't feel sorry for myself, but boy it is hard dealing the afterlife of cancer when you don't have a partner, you feel very much alone. Your partner might wind you up, but having someone to share life with is so important and when you don't and become ill, it is really bloody crap. No matter how many awesome friends you have around you, it will never replace that partnership you have with someone.
I have also noticed how bad my memory is now too. Before I would never forget anything and would only have to put it in the diary, but now, I have to set reminders as well as putting it in my diary. It is tough having to reprogramme your brain, and teach yourself to do things in a different way. Last Monday, I forgot Zacharys private tuition and then Luke's Cubs. It could be down to the Tamoxinfin.
My first week at work has been great even though tiring. Being self employed is hard as I have to go back all or nothing. I had to get my mind going, it was making me feel depressed, not having a focus. Just sometimes think it would have been nice to have gone back in a more gradual way. I know it will work itself out as it always does. I have a few new projects that I am working on which I hope will mean that I don't have to do so much of the work and I can employ others to do it for me. But like everything in life, it takes time to build but I do feel pretty confident about it all.
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