I have put up a few posts in between this one, but sometimes, I don't feel like sharing it with the world and I leave it with individuals that want to come here and have a read. Just how I feel.
It has been a fun weekend, I can't say I feel on top of the world. My mind is good and very positive, but my strength seems to have plummeted. I have done quite a bit this week as well as my first week back at work. Yesterday and today I have just felt awful.
When I was mucking out on Friday after riding for an hour, I could barely lift the wheel barrow. I really did think that I would start getting better by the day, but the tiredness stills seems to be there quite a lot. I am falling asleep in the evening on the sitee by 8.30pm. Yesterday I felt really tearful. I was fretting over a load of wood being delivered and how I was going to put it all in the shed. I have energy for an hour depending what I am doing, but lifting takes it out of me. Anyway, after football with Zach and Luke, I came home to a clean drive and a shed full to the brim with wood. Thank you to my amazing, awesome neighbors who without me there put it all away. I did burst into tears, as it is a realistion that I cannot do things at the same rate as before and even though the treatment is finished I still need my friends around me to help and still let them help. I crashed for the rest of the day and was pretty much the same on Today. I managed to clean a few leaves up but then went back inside. Instead of focusing myself to pick leaves up I made the boys help me which they were not impressed with. Kids can be so cruel, both shouting at me telling me that they are not my slaves and they don't have to do anything at Dad's. I know it is children being children, but hard work battling with them all the time as well as trying to muster up the energy to keep the house too. It is so hard to describe how you feel, but it is like lifting your arms is such hard work and you have to lift with your mind as well as your body. So many people you talk to that have been or going through this experience all say, that cancer plays with your head. It's days like today that I miss having someone around to pick up and take over instead of that feeling like you are battling alone in this world. Don't worry, I don't feel sorry for myself, but boy it is hard dealing the afterlife of cancer when you don't have a partner, you feel very much alone. Your partner might wind you up, but having someone to share life with is so important and when you don't and become ill, it is really bloody crap. No matter how many awesome friends you have around you, it will never replace that partnership you have with someone.
I have also noticed how bad my memory is now too. Before I would never forget anything and would only have to put it in the diary, but now, I have to set reminders as well as putting it in my diary. It is tough having to reprogramme your brain, and teach yourself to do things in a different way. Last Monday, I forgot Zacharys private tuition and then Luke's Cubs. It could be down to the Tamoxinfin.
My first week at work has been great even though tiring. Being self employed is hard as I have to go back all or nothing. I had to get my mind going, it was making me feel depressed, not having a focus. Just sometimes think it would have been nice to have gone back in a more gradual way. I know it will work itself out as it always does. I have a few new projects that I am working on which I hope will mean that I don't have to do so much of the work and I can employ others to do it for me. But like everything in life, it takes time to build but I do feel pretty confident about it all.
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