No 2 done!

Had to be in basingstoke by 8 this morning to get blood test done for white blood cells. I thought it would be quiet but no such luck.  45 mins later I was done and the waiting begins.  I hate waiting it makes me so anxious got very stressed this morning.  Went for coffee with Kerry and Helen to kill some time which was such good fun.  Laughed so much and made quite a bit of noise with my load laugh.  A gentlemen in the waiting room said it was better than 'Loose Women'!

Finally at 10.30 the results came through.  Quick call to Em as she was waiting at Geneva  Airport to see if she gets on the flight or not. So relieved that my count went up from .7 to 3.7 since Wednesday. Maybe it was the steak and Guinness!  I couldn't bare waiting another week.  Didn't go for the cold cap just couldn't face it.  I had been in the hospital for 3 hours and to do another 3 hours just felt too much.  I am going to be officially a slap head, the hair is coming out, anyway, so baldy it is.  The experience today was so much better than the last, my nurse is just so much fun.   Had Helen running to the pharmacy getting my drugs.

Feeling good but that might be because I am sitting still in bed doing nothing.  Have different drugs for the sickness also injections to help the bone marrow produce more white blood cells.

All good and positive.

No crying today!

Up early this morning and walked Bongo.  Felt good to be out in the fresh air.  Best part of the day not sure Ali agreed.  Had a lazy morning with no boys so did my filing.....boy I love that job.  There was a lot of it and took a while but it has been sitting on my desk for sometime wanting to go in files.

Went into the hospital today and saw my Oncologist.  Why can things not be straightforward.  My white blood cells haven't got back to the normal.  At the moment they are 0.7 when they need to be 1.  Which means with them that low chemo won't go ahead and will need to be postponed until next week.  I think the doctor saw the horror on my face.  Dr Tinkler went off and chatted to few more people and came back.  She wants me back in tomorrow morning at 8 for another blood test to see if the count has gone up.  If it has I am to be blasted again if not next week it will be.  The planning that has taken place to ensure everything is covered and someone here is to look after me.  My sister is flying in from Geneva tomorrow.  It would be nice to have a chilled weekend with Em instead of me walking around like a zombie feeling constantly sick.

I haven't cried today...yipppeeee.  I think I used most of my tears up yesterday so on empty.

Felt pretty emotional over the last few days.  I didn't stop crying yesterday.  Not sure why, maybe anticipation for tomorrow or just having time to think.  Had blood tests which always brings it home that I am on this journey. Got home to an empty house as Charlotte wasn't well and she decided to take the boys to their Dads so I don't get the bug.  Home alone, didn't really know what to do with myself and there was a big void in my house.  Even though the boys fight continuously I miss them so much when they are not here.  They keep me going even though it is exhausting.  They won't be home until Monday which just seems ages away.

I thought that I would feel as good as last week and get a couple of runs in but just feel tired.  Maybe it is because I can now switch off as the boys are not here.  In a funny way I needed the space just to sit and cry and reflect over things.

Met a fellow cancer patient yesterday. She is on her 3rd chemo and doing FEC the same as me.  It was good to compare side effects and feeling.  I learnt Chemo Head yesterday.  I thought I was losing it but your brain goes all mushy.  I bit like being pregnant, the moment when you are trying to get a word out and it just doesn't happen.

Another hospital appointment today with my Oncologist, I will cry again this afternoon.  This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster.

One thing this whole experience is doing is making me appreciate.

My Journey: Control

My Journey: Control: I did write this earlier but I managed to delete it. As most of you know I tried a couple of runs last week which felt amazing even thoug...

Control

I did write this earlier but I managed to delete it.

As most of you know I tried a couple of runs last week which felt amazing even though only 2.5 miles.  I felt in control of things and a sense of freedom.  I actually did quite a bit last week but did pay for it on Friday night.  I felt rotten just exhausted.  I really do need to learn not to keep pushing.  I didn't think I was but my body had other ideas.  I am trying to live as normal as possible, I am determined this is not going to take over my life.  I might be exhausted at times but it helps me keep sane by keeping busy.

My hair is starting to fall out.  I have enough on top to allow thinning so still hoping it won't completely fall out.  There is something about being bold, it means everyone knows, it's becomes public that she had cancer.  I know it won't be for ever but when I am in the shops now with hair I'm still like everyone else but once I am bold peoples perception of me will change.  The boys think it is quite funny, every time they walk pass they both have a tug to see how much comes out.  The wig is still in the bag on my bedroom floor, still cannot bring myself to get it out.  It smells which turns my stomach.  Not sure I will wear it at all! Zach has decided that he wants to shave his hair off too.  Apparently they have been talking about it at school and his mates want to sponsor him.  It's a big thing for him as his loves his 'flick' and takes forever to do his hair before school.  I'm very proud of my son.

On my own this week as the boys go to their Dads on Wednesday.  I decided not to have anyone here, needed the space to just be here on my own.  It is hard sometimes as I do get lonely but I loved my own space before and don't want to always have people around.  It helps me focus and appreciative what I do have. Loving my garden and my veg patch, I get great pleasure in just tottering around, so good for soul searching.

The nerves are starting again as only 4 sleeps to go.  Waking up very early every day and sleeping is becoming interrupted.  I know the ill feeling won't last long but I know what's coming and I expect it will get worse with each treatment. Also thinking about the cold cap as that is the most uncomfortable part.  Gives me a bad headache and uncomfortable.

Sx

My Journey: Still reflecting

My Journey: Still reflecting: Yesterday my hair started to fall out on top and below!  Thankfully I have incredible thick hair so the hair on my head still looks okay. I...

My Journey: Reflection

My Journey: Reflection: As this blog is all about my emotions I will be adding to it over a few days instead of trying to remember everything.  My brain is quite wo...

Reflection

As this blog is about my emotions, I will add to it over a few days instead of trying to remember everything.  My brain isn't quite working at its normal speed.  So I might not post on Facebook and just leave your choice to come and have a read.  I'm not sure how people feel about me going public; some might say I do it to get attention.  Maybe I do and maybe all of your comments really do help keep focused.  Who knows!!

Feel like I am on the count down again.  1 week and subsequent treatment.

I feel so great and want to stay that way, already dreading the ill-feeling again.  It just feels so crap.  Really trying to focus on the next few days and not think about it.  I am going to have to keep myself very busy next week.  I can't think about next week as I can't bring myself to do it because the countdown has begun again.  So I have to focus on other stuff to get me through this.  The past is the past  I know but at the mo the only thing that I can see is the poorly me.  Running is my escape, you mind is focusing on getting one foot in front of the other and being careful not to fall over that tree stump or stone.

The good thing is, my hair is still in.  Every time I have a shower I look at the shower tray to see if my hair is falling out, so far, so good.  The cold cap might be working!  I hope so as it is so uncomfortable and hurts.  Apparently 50% of women that use the cap keep their hair so hoping I am the 50% statistic that does.

When you have a lot of time on your hands you tend to look at yourself and who you are.  This is one thing I have been doing a lot of recently.  Today I am on my own and having to deal with myself, with no distraction, no work to bury myself in and no jobs.  You become very bare and look at some of your decisions, analysing whether they were good or bad.  It brings up a new raft of emotions I have never had to deal with.  The person I am is to stream train forward not stopping, not looking back and not living in the now.  This experience is making me appreciate the now more than anything.

Feel sad today reflecting on some of the decisions I have made.

My Journey: Feel great!

My Journey: Feel great!: Been meaning to sit down for days and write this. Have so much to say and not sure I will bore you with all the details as I will be writing...

Feel great!

Been meaning to sit down for days and write this. Have so much to say and not sure I will bore you with all the details as I will be writing forever.  The good thing is I feel great.  100% better than last week and been out walking the dog and getting bits done in the house.  God it feels good not to feel sick or dizzy.  I have zoomed around, yes, at half the rate before all of this started, but I don't care as I just feel alive, with my head held high and shoulders back.  Even contemplating a little run tomorrow, don't worry not far, not fast and with friend

I have learnt the true meaning of giving in the last week or so.  Peoples kindness has just humbled me and made me cry.  From little parcels left on my doorstep, ironing, cleaning, cooking, collecting, a total creation of a corner of my garden and the biggest one caring.  I want to just shout thank you out so loud as I am so grateful to those people that who really know the meaning of giving.  I sit and cry because it just so wonderful.  Today when my team of gardeners left I cried and I just couldn't express my gratitude.  On the funny side, Ben's face when he walked around the back of the house to see my ex boyfriend and parents mucking in.  Great that I can have ex husband and ex boyfriend in one place and all cool.

Had a real emotional rollercoaster over the last few days and I suppose thats why I haven't written anything.  My darling Zachary has really struggled with Mummy' glass being a quarter full.  Over a few days his behavior just got so bad that on Friday I had to send his room at 7 to calm down and gather his thoughts.  I cried as I held myself up on the banister trying to muster up the energy to discipline my child which ended up me crying on the step, Zach shouting at me and my little 7 year old cuddling his Mummy.  On Saturday Zach broke down and cried his little heart out.  He just felt so angry that he cannot do anything and Mummy can't do much and is too tired.  We had a tough weekend  with Ben having to come back from a weekend away to help me as I couldn't cope on my own.  After a few hours with Daddy they both came home with smiling faces.  It was a big learning curve with my limitations and that I only really have small windows of energy which isn't enough to occupy 2 boys all weekend.  All in the past now and I know that, so drawn a line under that experience and hope it won't I don't repeat it.

This week is my shutdown week.  Which basically means I am at my highest risk of infection.  Went to a football presentation on Sunday which was actually quite nerve racking as I was watching out for anyone that might look like they are going to sneeze or sniffle.  Shall not do that again just took up too much energy.  I am like having a newborn baby, sterilizing all of my cutlery, plates etc. Making boys wash their hands as soon as they get home.  Just having to be extra careful.

Bit of a long one.  I am going to write more frequently as I have forgotten lots of bits.  I know you don't care but I want a log of my journey as I am sure I will read it back sometime in the future.

Just Stop!

I can't say it  has been on of my best days since all of this started.

Had such a bad nights sleep which hasn't helped. Just couldn't get to sleep thinking about infections and what if's.  I felt starving hungry and refused to go downstairs to eat. Even if I did nothing took my fancy.  Plus the cat was in the kitchen and if she got out the whole house would have been woken up. Bloody mental that I let a cat dictate what I do.  I'm turning into my mother!!! I had a raging headache too so all in all a pretty rubbish night.  When I finally got to sleep it was time to wake up. I just couldn't do it I felt so ill.  My whole body was saying no you are staying in bed whether you like it or not.  My stomach felt awful, my head hurt, didn't want to eat and just wanted to cry. Do you that feeling when you are a child that all you want is your Mum to hold you and tell you that everything will be okay? 42 year women wanting her Mum, what ever next.  Ended up on the phone with the emergency nurse as my temperature was up and down and just scared.  I think it was all down to stress really.  She was lovely and gave me a talking to and put me straight which did make me feel better.  Basically I have to listen to my body. I have gone from a person that would wiz out in the morning run 10k go to work and get on with life to, someone that can barely get out of bed and takes an hour to get sorted and down stairs.  It is so hard to just let go and let this happen.  I want to be able to just control how I feel and manage the sickness but it just seems impossible to do that. I am having to learn what to eat, when to eat as the slightest thing makes me sick, faint or makes my heart race. Thankfully Charlotte is here and picked up with the boys.  I know the both of them would be fine and would manage even if Charlotte wasn't here. But still bloody hard having your child sat next to you stroking your head and holding you hand while you have tears running down your face.

Today I have spent in the garden just sat doing nothing.  I tried to move a chair and nearly fainted.  I know it will get better and I know I am just having a bad day.  Today has been a bit of a wake up call and my body has literally gone, NO you aren't doing anything.

Sorry if not happy today but this is why I am doing this because it is making me face up to the whole crappy situation by writing it down and not hiding my emotions.  There is a wig and a wig stand on my dressing table and I cannot bring myself to opening it, the thought just terrifies me that I potentially in less that 2 weeks will have no hair.

A lovely part of the day was receiving a bouquet of flowers from Harry which made me cry, god I am so lucky to be in such an amazing place with such amazing people. Thank you. xx

It could be worse!

I am sat quickly in the kitchen at Home Farm which I am now calling Hospital Home Farm to Laura'a annoyance.  Shouldn't little sisters annoy their elder siblings?

A bit of an up and down weekend but not too bad at all really. The sickness has been constant and hasn't let off.  For some reason it is just like morning sickness but 10 times worse.  Saturday I seemed to just catnapp all day with a few walks in between.  Went on a road trip with Laura in the afternoon and the poor thing was desperately try to keep me a wake as we were both worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep because of the meds I am taking.  The minute the car stopped I feel asleep while L was picking up little L from a paint balling party and had fun in taking the micky out of me with a dropped head asleep in the car.  Laura and David have had great joy in teasing me as I do look like Beaker but with a bright red face. For some reason just in the mornings again.  Image spikey hair bright red face and white eye sockets a really pretty sight.  Laura has felt great about herself as she couldn't look as bad as me and been making fun of me and made me laugh which is the best way.  Dear little O has told everyone that I am the only one that is allowed to be down in the house.  He is such a sweet heart.

Zach called which was such a relief and started asking questions about the treatment which is so good. Did it hurt! What was it like!  I do tell him nearly everything as we have a little packed that we never lie to each other even if the other one doesn't want to hear it. They have both had a great weekend with their Dad, makes life so much easier without them having to see Mum walking around feeling a bit poo.

Yesterday was the worse, I spent the morning walking around the fields stopping myself being sick which just felt horrible.  Trying to create coping mechanisms.   I ended up playing horses and grooming, tacking and basically faffing around but it was the best medicine for me.  After lunch I went out and played all afternoon and didn't come in until 8.  Watched a 3 year old being breaked the argy way which I must stay was pretty impressive.  My emotions have been okay. Not sure if I am blocking it all out just dealing with it but seem to be numb still.  Don't get me wrong I have had a few tears but I really thought I would be worse.  I think I have focused so much on just not being sick and keeping busy that I haven't had time to think about anything else.

First chemo

The first one is done! 

All slight daunting, but I'm okay.  I think the worst part was the cold cap.  Your hair is wet, and run freezing cold water around your head.  You have brain freeze for the first 10 minutes; it hurts.  Helen and I played Dobble to take my mind off it.  Beat her 29-24.  The second game completely whopped her ass and won 39 - 11.  The time went very quickly, thankfully.  The nurse was great and went on holiday to Bideford.  

I consider myself lucky as another lady there had a tumour of 30cm on her ovaries, and the chemo tried to reduce the size before operating.  Thank god mine has been taken out.  By the time all the drugs were in, I did feel very groggy and sick and red wee!  The boys would think that is so cool!  The wig lady came round, went and got my free wig.  If you can be pleased with a wig, I am.  It really does look like my hair.  Same colour.  I felt numb with it all until I Facetimed Em, and Mum had a tear as Mum started crying, and Em's voice broke, which set me off.  Mum is so frail now and doesn't understand everything, so I have to be really upbeat when I talk with her. 

Now at Home Farm, just relaxing.  I was expecting a horse bucket next to me but got the mop bucket instead.  I must be going up in the world.  Still feel weak and a bit wobbly, but my mind is sound, if that is the right way to explain it.  Had lunch, and it all has stayed down.  Haven't spoken to the boys will do that tomorrow.  Our little unit is so close; they know me, and I haven't got the energy to be Mum at the mo.  All really good and just focusing on bringing past the next few days and then back home.

I can't leave you!

Don't know how i fitted work in before! I don't seem to stop at the moment. An eventful 24 hours. Over the last couple of weeks there has been a whole family divide. One part of the family feels that some siblings are overreacting and that what is all the fuss is, the James family have never had to deal with cancer and should just get on with it. It's been in my mind a lot today. My sister went down to make sure I had help over the next few months she came away in tears. Certain members were completely dismissive and didn't want it to help. I'm completely shocked how people can be so cold. I thought I was a strong person but this has made me question and feels that maybe I am being weak and should just get on with it! 

I had my hair cut short yesterday in preparation for losing it during chemo. I hate it feels just yuk. Even though everyone thinks it looks great and tells me so, I don't feel sexy. Zach says I look like a boy, Luke gave me a lovely big hug and says he loves it, I look beautiful. I was not sure what was going on with Zach, he didn't want to school.  Tonight he broke my heart and said he needs to be home, there isn't anyone to look after me. That little boy is so selfless. He kept saying what if you collapse or faint who will be there. For the first time in his life, he feels Mummy isn't there to cope with whatever is thrown at her. A few months ago he said he never had to worry about me because I'm always alright. Really don't know how to deal with this one. 8 years later he told me that in his head I was dying. 

Ben and I had to convince him tonight that there will always be someone here. God, it's so crap that your child feels he needs to look after you. Went to the hospital today for my chemo talk. Even got a tour of the unit which was really quite funny. I had a vision of other people in my age group all sitting around having a chat. Helen and I thought would take some games and have a bit of a laugh. That's not going to happen. The average age was about 70 and the only movement they will do is going to the bowel type. Feel like I'm against the clock now and trying to get everything done. Not sure why but the house needs a clean, planted most of my veg today too. Don't feel ready yet which is nuts. Completely crazy. I hope this doesn't sound negative but I am really good and very positive and know everything will be okay. 

4 days to go!

Frank, my brother, suggested I do this as it helped one of his friends deal with the whole experience. Please read it without the urge to tell me it will be okay. I know it is, I know it will all be fine, but I need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and I could write it, but that would take too much effort, and I am twice as quick when typing. Also, I know the English is terrible, but I am just typing without checking. Had a wonderful weekend with my sister, always takes my mind off what is happening in reality. Started driving home today and had to stop and go and watch Laura play polo couldn't bring me to go home just yet. I have feelings of fear and dread. It's the unknown! How am I going to feel? How ill will this make me feel? I have all these questions I want to ask, but no one has any of the answers.

Finally plucked up the courage to come home and just milled around for a couple of hours, then expected the boys to go home. Break down of communication, and I should have been picking up, which I finally did and ended up in tears on Ben's doorstep. The boys are great and taking it all in their stride, and Zach wants a wig, not a hat, a wig. I think he will feel embarrassed with a mummy with no hair. Not sure if I want a wig. I feel like I am hiding something and should be ashamed that I have cancer. There is a part of me that thinks that, why me? What did I eat? I must have done something? So many questions. I feel sometimes I shouldn't cry as there are people out there that are a lot worse than me, and it feels wrong to sit and cry just because I am feeling sorry for myself. I know I am strong, and I think that's why I struggling, as I want everyone to think I am strong. Tonight actually felt like a typical night. I got all the night before school stuff done and didn't feel exhausted.