Reflection

As this blog is about my emotions, I will add to it over a few days instead of trying to remember everything.  My brain isn't quite working at its normal speed.  So I might not post on Facebook and just leave your choice to come and have a read.  I'm not sure how people feel about me going public; some might say I do it to get attention.  Maybe I do and maybe all of your comments really do help keep focused.  Who knows!!

Feel like I am on the count down again.  1 week and subsequent treatment.

I feel so great and want to stay that way, already dreading the ill-feeling again.  It just feels so crap.  Really trying to focus on the next few days and not think about it.  I am going to have to keep myself very busy next week.  I can't think about next week as I can't bring myself to do it because the countdown has begun again.  So I have to focus on other stuff to get me through this.  The past is the past  I know but at the mo the only thing that I can see is the poorly me.  Running is my escape, you mind is focusing on getting one foot in front of the other and being careful not to fall over that tree stump or stone.

The good thing is, my hair is still in.  Every time I have a shower I look at the shower tray to see if my hair is falling out, so far, so good.  The cold cap might be working!  I hope so as it is so uncomfortable and hurts.  Apparently 50% of women that use the cap keep their hair so hoping I am the 50% statistic that does.

When you have a lot of time on your hands you tend to look at yourself and who you are.  This is one thing I have been doing a lot of recently.  Today I am on my own and having to deal with myself, with no distraction, no work to bury myself in and no jobs.  You become very bare and look at some of your decisions, analysing whether they were good or bad.  It brings up a new raft of emotions I have never had to deal with.  The person I am is to stream train forward not stopping, not looking back and not living in the now.  This experience is making me appreciate the now more than anything.

Feel sad today reflecting on some of the decisions I have made.