Its really hard writing these blogs as I never really know whether I say too much or too little. I do sometimes sensor what I write and don't put exactly how I feel. Not sure if this is the right way or the wrong way.
The last few days have been full of emotions as well as illness. When I'm feeling poorly I tend to go into myself and think which sometimes isn't a good thing. My close friends can see when I do it and see that I even struggle to talk and go quiet. I have this vacant stare!
To get through the last few days I have to focus on the littlest of things to look forward to. Literally living each day at a time. It might a phone call, a visit, a trip but my mind focuses on it so when something doesn't happen a void appears and I then struggle to focus on the rest of the day. Normally it wouldn't bother me as there are so many other things going on in my life that you just brush it off but at the moment I tend to focus on small stuff too much. I have had a couple of "Oh sorry I've been so busy" or "oh sorry can't make it as I have jobs to do around the house". What those guys didn't realise was that was my focus, so I felt let down, sad and unloved. Some of you might say feeling sorry for myself and maybe I did but it made me think, have I done this in the past to friends and family. We are all so busy just living that we forget to call friends. We stop talking to each other because we are too busy, text and email is just easier to hide behind but the truth is we have to keep talking as thats what makes life as good as it is and makes us more human. I had 2 calls this week from old friends who I haven't spoken to for ages. It felt so lovely to talk. You know that feeling you get when you say to yourself "We must do that more often we get on so well". It made me feel so much better. We get so wrapped up in stuff that really isn't important and calling someone that maybe having a rough time could put a smile on their face. Thats not a hint to call me but we all have friends that you put off calling just because. Do me a favour call them and say hi forget that job that you need to do as guess what, the job can wait until tomorrow.
Yesterday was pretty rubbish too. I was again lead into a false sense of security on Friday when I felt better even though I didn't get out of my PJ's all day. I started the day feeling good with Ali coming to do my injections and to take the ironing but by mid morning I just went downhill. By 11 I was back in bed. Feeling sick really sick and I had been trying to shift a headache since Friday but both paracetamol and ibuprofen didn't touch it. Zach had gone to football and Luke was playing up the road. I hate doing it as I feel such a hypochondriac but after a couple of hours of sitting on the sittee and feeling like I was going to pass out I called the nurse. All down to the bloody injections. The side effects change the further you go into your treatment and the sickness to comes back when my immune systems drops. The afternoon was spent in my sitting room feeling very sorry for myself and then like a pathetic individual walked like a granny to Helen's and sat on her sofa for the afternoon and cried. Even though there were 4 boys all playing around me just having noise stopped me on focusing on me. I sent out a couple of texts for help, one got ignored and the other was again too busy and had a party to go to. Helen and I were both due to go to a leaving party in the evening with all the girls from school as one is off to Aus to live. I had decided by 3 that there was no way I could go but my dear friend Helen decided to miss the party and slept in Luke's bed for the night just incase I had to go to hospital during the night. I am glad she did as just before bed I had another funny turn, the sickness kicked in and ended up with my head over the loo and then got my tablets down me and nearly fainted in the kitchen.
Its all so exhausting. Really fed up with it and the interruption in other peoples lives that I have caused, I hate it. Family you can accept to have to sacrifice for you as that it what they are meant to do but I find it so hard for my friends to do it. I have an army of friends, injecting (cows), cleaning, cooking, washing, dog walking and ironing. I really don't know what I would do without them, I just won't be able to cope, it would just be too hard.
I woke up today with not much sleep but didn't feel too bad. It is just so mad that there is no reason for yesterday it just makes me realise that each day is different and to take each bit at a time. I took the boys fishing as I can just watch in my chair while they fish. I have no idea what to do so I am purely the taxi but fine with me.
Sunday, 29 June 2014
Wednesday, 25 June 2014
A tough 48 hours
A tough few days
Yesterday I think was the worse day so far with my 3 treatments which is making me dread the next 3 a little more. The last 2 days have been spent mostly laying horizontal. Thank goodness for Netflicks. I have never watched so much television in all my life, still won't do daytime TV though, I do have limits. My energy levels are so low and not managing to lift a finger, I have been out on a few little trips but they are just so exhausting. As the day went on yesterday the worse I seem to become. Everything is an effort, I have a real heavy dragging feeling and my head just feels a mess. I sat and cried on the bed last night not knowing what to do with myself poor Charlotte sat next to me not knowing what to do either. Its horrible really that no one can do anything to make this go away and this is something I just have to face head on and deal with on my own with my own strength. I am not sure what I would do sat next to someone feeling that nothing I said or did would help. Not getting enough sleep doesn't help but I am hoping that will start to improve later in the week. I just keep saying to myself 3 to go, 3 to go. I really had to pull myself together last night and get my head around how bad I feel and tell myself I can do this.
My taste has changed again and unless it is either freezing cold or a very strong taste it makes me gag. The gag reflex is becoming quite good. Taking tablets is fun considering that I am popping tablets every 4 hours, brushing my teeth and now my staple diet of toast and jam all make me want to gag.
This morning I made myself get out of bed and get showered. I could quite easily have stayed there and slept all day but I know that won't do me any good whatsoever. I got myself up, went to Hartley Wintney for a coffee and cake (thank you Teresa B). Isn't amazing how a piece of cake and a good cup of coffee in the sun can make you feel so much better. The side effects from the injections are kicking in good too! My head is cold all the time, it is the strangest of feelings and my sinus feel like I am about to sneeze but nothing ever happens.
It is still very hard to look at myself in the mirror with no hair. It really doesn't look like me or feel like me. I am getting use to it and not so conscious of being out in public but not sure whether that is because I don't care what anyone thinks.
I am so so so so proud of Zach. The amount of money he has raised is just great. He is currently a few pennies away from £1200. I still can't believe he actually shaved his hair off and I am not sure his friends can either. I had an interesting conversation with the school on Monday afternoon as I had forgotten to call them to let them know. I was a little surprised with how his form tutor responded and wasn't that supportive and told me it was against the school rules and we should have waited I few weeks. I get that and I am the first for rules at school but this was something that came from Zachary's heart and he needed to do it at the moment it felt right. He has a little bounce in his step at the moment, I am sure there is a massive sense of achievement at a time that he has felt completely helpless.
Sunday, 22 June 2014
Up and down
Had a good giggle during treatment with Lucie and Kerrie. L camed armed with games which didn't leave the bag. We entertained the whole ward and in true fashion my laugh could be heard in the corridors. It was nice to see other people smile when we are all having the same treatments as we could sit and be sad but what's the point. I think the place went very quiet when we left. The had trouble with my veins and couldn't get one in the arm at all so ended up going in by my elbow which was a lot better and I didn't get the pain or the coldness I have had with the first 2 treatments.
Well it's not been so bad. Looked pretty grey on Friday and had a sleepless night but I expected it this time. Had a relatively good day and Kerrie drove me to Virginia Water. A bit of a comedy act with K driving my car. I put the sat nav on for her but not sure why I bothered as she ignored it and I still had it tell her where to go. We bickered like 2 old grumpy women there and back but thankfully we have known each other for so long it didn't matter. Brought back memories or when she would drive for me in Spain when I was a OPC. I have to admit I was worried about her looking after me as Kerry's diet consists of wraps and coleslaw but she is doing a fab job cooking my veggy meals and they are excellent. Thanks for the tip Helen, Vegan meals for one is coming up trumps.
Today hasn't been so good, just felt worn out and haven't moved for most of the day. I did manage a bit if weeding and a gentle walk with Bongo. The sickness is worse this time but the wobbles and dizziness are not so bad. I am hoping that maybe the side effects from the injection won't be as bad.
Ben popped over with the boys and Zach came to have his hair shaved off. We did have a tear but I am so proud of that boy. It is such a brave thing to do and he's has raised £546 so far and his target is £750. Luke did want to shave his but Ben and I thought it wasn't such a good idea as tomorrow morning he would have one of his tantrums and refuse to got to school.
Please help Zach get his target www.justguving.com/zachkench or text 70070 ZACH53 £?
SX
Well it's not been so bad. Looked pretty grey on Friday and had a sleepless night but I expected it this time. Had a relatively good day and Kerrie drove me to Virginia Water. A bit of a comedy act with K driving my car. I put the sat nav on for her but not sure why I bothered as she ignored it and I still had it tell her where to go. We bickered like 2 old grumpy women there and back but thankfully we have known each other for so long it didn't matter. Brought back memories or when she would drive for me in Spain when I was a OPC. I have to admit I was worried about her looking after me as Kerry's diet consists of wraps and coleslaw but she is doing a fab job cooking my veggy meals and they are excellent. Thanks for the tip Helen, Vegan meals for one is coming up trumps.
Today hasn't been so good, just felt worn out and haven't moved for most of the day. I did manage a bit if weeding and a gentle walk with Bongo. The sickness is worse this time but the wobbles and dizziness are not so bad. I am hoping that maybe the side effects from the injection won't be as bad.
Ben popped over with the boys and Zach came to have his hair shaved off. We did have a tear but I am so proud of that boy. It is such a brave thing to do and he's has raised £546 so far and his target is £750. Luke did want to shave his but Ben and I thought it wasn't such a good idea as tomorrow morning he would have one of his tantrums and refuse to got to school.
Please help Zach get his target www.justguving.com/zachkench or text 70070 ZACH53 £?
SX
Thursday, 19 June 2014
Sobbed
A bit of a long day Yesterday. It is the first day that I have spend on my own with no one around me at all since April 4th, when I was operated on. A bit strange as I have no work to occupy myself and just time to wonder around the garden taking pictures. I have cried and still can't believe it is all happening to me. Sometimes I feel that I am not really in it at all and I am sitting outside looking it. Then reality hits home that it is happening to me. I do make myself spend time on my own as in October when this is all over everyone will want to get on with their own lives and forget I am here, you get very use to people being around. Thats not their fault and I wouldn't blame them as they say when one member of the family has cancer the whole family has it. I suppose my life will go on as it did before. I think about how long it will take me to recover and get back to myself and I wonder whether I will ever be the same person again. Time will tell. I try and keep myself busy and something positive will come out of this shitty experience.
I have felt really good this week and have bounced back quite quickly. Today was another lovely day spent with a friend and my sister having lunch and hanging around horses. Even though I am not riding just being around horses makes me feel calm. Watched chukkas tonight and made the most of feeling good but then on the other hand wanted to cry as tomorrow I am back to square one. I sobbed on the way home just dreading the feeling I will have tomorrow. Not sure how I drove home as i just couldn't stop myself crying. I just feels wrong that when I am feeling so much better more toxic drugs will be pumped into me. My bloods are excellent and the little scared that it was effecting my liver has passed but a little worried that it will arm hurt again.
Monday, 16 June 2014
More needles.
Every day I have been meaning to write my blog but time has just flown by. I don't think I have stopped since last week which is a great really. Doing this n that but mostly coffee and outings with friends and the boys. By the end of each day I have been completely shattered but also fulfilled with the days events. It is quite amazing that you can go with one week being completely knocked out to being today full of life. I think I am making the most of feeling well.
It was quite an eventful week last week. On the Tuesday night while Evanda was here my arm which had been bothering me for days and was still playing up, painful and swollen. I decided to call and do something about it. After 5 hours in AAU in Basingstoke the doctor came to the conclusion that the he thought I had a blood clot in my arm which was caused by the chemo thickening my blood. I was given an injection and then sent on my way thinking I would be back in the morning for a scan. The next day I got a call saying I needed another injection and my scan would not be until the following day. So off I went to the hospital to get my injection. While I was there I saw a doctor and he give me my jab but also explained that if it was a clot I would have to inject myself daily for the next 3 months. I just started crying and sobbed and explained that I just can't inject myself. I know that there are people out there that give themselves a daily jab but the thought just makes me feel sick. A district nurse explained it really well and said that we all have a stress level limit and like a bucket of water the smallest of drops can spill over the edge. This is how I felt just could cope with doing that on top of the other injections I'm having. I have always been so resilient to stress and taken life in my stride but this whole experience has really has pushed me to my limits. Anyway, the following day I went for the scan and thank goodness it came back clear and no clot. I could have jumped with joy. Felt so happy.
Even though it has been exhausting going in and out of hospital there are some positives that have come out of it. My blood tests that the results show that my white blood count and Neuts...somethings have come back really strong and better than when I started chemo. The side effects from the injection that I have to have for 7 days are worth it.
Still struggling with the hair lose and thanks to Evanda who made me get my wardrobe out and put different scarves on and just make myself feel better and I even let her take photos of me. If they are any good I will put them up for you all to see. Every day now I make an effort with necklaces, earrings and makeup. It does work, I do feel better or maybe just getting use to the idea that this is me for the time being. Also an excuse for a bit of retail therapy and refreshed my scarf collection with some lovely summer pastel colours.
Had a very down moment last night and just cried. I do feel very lonely sometimes not having anyone here to support me when I get these moments.
Had lunch today with a friend I have met because of cancer. We walked the dogs and compared notes on side effects, feelings and life. There is something about sharing stuff with someone going through the same thing. No matter how detailed you explain to others what you are going through and how you feel I don't think they will ever understand what it is actually like. We laughed about sticky eyes, wind from both ends, hair and cravings.
This week is a busy one with lunches, coffees and outings. I am even going to the pub on Wednesday for a quiz. I won't be much good as not great at quizes but looking forward to getting out of the house and feeling normal. On a bit of a count down before Friday, I can't think about it at all at the moment.
Sxx
It was quite an eventful week last week. On the Tuesday night while Evanda was here my arm which had been bothering me for days and was still playing up, painful and swollen. I decided to call and do something about it. After 5 hours in AAU in Basingstoke the doctor came to the conclusion that the he thought I had a blood clot in my arm which was caused by the chemo thickening my blood. I was given an injection and then sent on my way thinking I would be back in the morning for a scan. The next day I got a call saying I needed another injection and my scan would not be until the following day. So off I went to the hospital to get my injection. While I was there I saw a doctor and he give me my jab but also explained that if it was a clot I would have to inject myself daily for the next 3 months. I just started crying and sobbed and explained that I just can't inject myself. I know that there are people out there that give themselves a daily jab but the thought just makes me feel sick. A district nurse explained it really well and said that we all have a stress level limit and like a bucket of water the smallest of drops can spill over the edge. This is how I felt just could cope with doing that on top of the other injections I'm having. I have always been so resilient to stress and taken life in my stride but this whole experience has really has pushed me to my limits. Anyway, the following day I went for the scan and thank goodness it came back clear and no clot. I could have jumped with joy. Felt so happy.
Even though it has been exhausting going in and out of hospital there are some positives that have come out of it. My blood tests that the results show that my white blood count and Neuts...somethings have come back really strong and better than when I started chemo. The side effects from the injection that I have to have for 7 days are worth it.
Still struggling with the hair lose and thanks to Evanda who made me get my wardrobe out and put different scarves on and just make myself feel better and I even let her take photos of me. If they are any good I will put them up for you all to see. Every day now I make an effort with necklaces, earrings and makeup. It does work, I do feel better or maybe just getting use to the idea that this is me for the time being. Also an excuse for a bit of retail therapy and refreshed my scarf collection with some lovely summer pastel colours.
Had a very down moment last night and just cried. I do feel very lonely sometimes not having anyone here to support me when I get these moments.
Had lunch today with a friend I have met because of cancer. We walked the dogs and compared notes on side effects, feelings and life. There is something about sharing stuff with someone going through the same thing. No matter how detailed you explain to others what you are going through and how you feel I don't think they will ever understand what it is actually like. We laughed about sticky eyes, wind from both ends, hair and cravings.
This week is a busy one with lunches, coffees and outings. I am even going to the pub on Wednesday for a quiz. I won't be much good as not great at quizes but looking forward to getting out of the house and feeling normal. On a bit of a count down before Friday, I can't think about it at all at the moment.
Sxx
Monday, 9 June 2014
Some normality
Did the school run this morning.
We had a bit of fun this morning with my head scarf and I let him create a look. Children are so funny. As you can image I ended up looking like a pirate which he thought looked fab but we both laughed together as he created a cool image for Mummy. It was amazing when I knelt down on my knees on his level and watch the excitement in his eyes. I don't think I do that enough get down and make proper eye contact!
Luke bounced out the house holding my hand and hugged me when I told him he was I was taking him to school. God, I felt so conscious with my head scarf around my head. I think even Luke could feel it. He went very shy walking in the gates and did the hiding behind my leg thing that they all do. Once the gates were open he was gone. Part of me felt it was to get away from Mummy. Seeing all the Mummies is so good. They all make me smile and laugh. I have missed you all and our fleeting chats as bags are handed over and things forgotten. This morning is was chat of drunken weekends and hangovers. Slightly jealous but I am sure I will make up for all the partying I have missed when I get back on form.
Evanda (she has the pleasure of being married to one of my brothers) is here and filled the house with energy. The kitchen has been cleaned literally from top to bottom and I don't think a corner will be left un-touch. Lets just hope she stays away from the underwear draw! She is amazing though and is determined to leave making me feel better about myself. While chatting last night E mentioned taking some family portraits (she is a professional photographer) of the boys and I. I looked at her with absolute shock. I can't possible have a photo taken of me, not looking like I do! This morning while finding scarves to wear I was so focused on hiding my head that E made a very valid point that I shouldn't hide, I should accessorize and use to add colour. I will try but still feel like an egg head and not very feminine at all. I know it is only for a short period and everyone tells me that I look good but in my mind I struggle so much with it.
I managed a short walk with Bongo this morning. Walk is a loose term as not very quick at all. More of a stroll. Look forward to being able to stomp again. All activities have worn me out but at least today is the last day of injections so my body will start feeling better and hopefully the tiredness will go a bit too.
We had a bit of fun this morning with my head scarf and I let him create a look. Children are so funny. As you can image I ended up looking like a pirate which he thought looked fab but we both laughed together as he created a cool image for Mummy. It was amazing when I knelt down on my knees on his level and watch the excitement in his eyes. I don't think I do that enough get down and make proper eye contact!
Luke bounced out the house holding my hand and hugged me when I told him he was I was taking him to school. God, I felt so conscious with my head scarf around my head. I think even Luke could feel it. He went very shy walking in the gates and did the hiding behind my leg thing that they all do. Once the gates were open he was gone. Part of me felt it was to get away from Mummy. Seeing all the Mummies is so good. They all make me smile and laugh. I have missed you all and our fleeting chats as bags are handed over and things forgotten. This morning is was chat of drunken weekends and hangovers. Slightly jealous but I am sure I will make up for all the partying I have missed when I get back on form.
Evanda (she has the pleasure of being married to one of my brothers) is here and filled the house with energy. The kitchen has been cleaned literally from top to bottom and I don't think a corner will be left un-touch. Lets just hope she stays away from the underwear draw! She is amazing though and is determined to leave making me feel better about myself. While chatting last night E mentioned taking some family portraits (she is a professional photographer) of the boys and I. I looked at her with absolute shock. I can't possible have a photo taken of me, not looking like I do! This morning while finding scarves to wear I was so focused on hiding my head that E made a very valid point that I shouldn't hide, I should accessorize and use to add colour. I will try but still feel like an egg head and not very feminine at all. I know it is only for a short period and everyone tells me that I look good but in my mind I struggle so much with it.
I managed a short walk with Bongo this morning. Walk is a loose term as not very quick at all. More of a stroll. Look forward to being able to stomp again. All activities have worn me out but at least today is the last day of injections so my body will start feeling better and hopefully the tiredness will go a bit too.
Saturday, 7 June 2014
Feeling better
Today I am starting to feel better, thank god. Still tired and could sleep for a week but can move about a bit more. It is so hard to learn how to relax properly and practise the art of doing nothing. Helen left today. Really enjoyed having her around. She played around with my diet and found what works and what makes me feel bad. Meat has become a no no. It makes my heart race, gives me hot sweat and generally ill. My body doesn't seem to be able to digest it. The google queen (Helen) found out that chemo effects your digestion so that might explain why. Even though for the last month I have been blocked up and last night had quite the reverse. Spent about 2 hours on the loo. Not sure which is worse!!
Having a bit of time to myself today with no one around. Ali has taken the boys off for a run around so I am home alone. It does feel strange. You get very use to people being around you all the time and I suppose having company is my safety blanket. I do start to fret a bit when i am on my own, when not feeling great. The thermometer is next to me all the time. Had a call from the calvary and (Evanda) is on route tomorrow for a few days. I do find it very hard that there are conversations happening around me that I have no idea about. Sometimes I want to scream. "I'm bloody here" but I know that it won't do any good. I am learning to just let go and let others organise around me. Helen has put up in the kitchen my diet plan with instructions of what and when. Hilarious really, makes me smile that I am 42 years old and I have a care plan! I know how my Mum and Dad must have felt when we put things in place for Dad. It did drive Mum nuts. I have had Helen bossing me around for the last 6 days and I thought I was bossy!!! Kerry came round and nearly left and she thought I have no chance with you both here!
Feel more cheerful today and smiling while I write this.
Having a bit of time to myself today with no one around. Ali has taken the boys off for a run around so I am home alone. It does feel strange. You get very use to people being around you all the time and I suppose having company is my safety blanket. I do start to fret a bit when i am on my own, when not feeling great. The thermometer is next to me all the time. Had a call from the calvary and (Evanda) is on route tomorrow for a few days. I do find it very hard that there are conversations happening around me that I have no idea about. Sometimes I want to scream. "I'm bloody here" but I know that it won't do any good. I am learning to just let go and let others organise around me. Helen has put up in the kitchen my diet plan with instructions of what and when. Hilarious really, makes me smile that I am 42 years old and I have a care plan! I know how my Mum and Dad must have felt when we put things in place for Dad. It did drive Mum nuts. I have had Helen bossing me around for the last 6 days and I thought I was bossy!!! Kerry came round and nearly left and she thought I have no chance with you both here!
Feel more cheerful today and smiling while I write this.
Thursday, 5 June 2014
Just Pants!
Just pants!!
I'm having a daily injection to make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells. The side effects are knocking me for six and yesterday was a shit day, I could barely move and my whole body felt like it has been hit by a bus. It's really hard to explain, just horrid, I cried a lot again just wanting the horrible feelings to go. You would think that my body was going through enough already with the chemo let alone adding more drugs to the equation. Feeling angry that haven't I got enough to deal with without this but don't really have any choice in the matter as without them my immune system would go dangerously low. On Tuesday before the injections I was really okay and looking forward to getting out and walking the dog and taking Luke to school, there was light at the end of the tunnel. There still is, but just a few days further away. Looking forward to Monday when my daily injection finish and I can start to feel slightly normal again. Really want to be able to take Luke to school. Even though it is only a 50 metre walk and takes seconds to a 7 year old Mummy walking to school holding your hand is a big thing. This morning we had breakfast in bed together and just hang out until school time then off he went. Nothing has phased him so far but me not taking him to school is one step too far. Tuesday morning he cried and won't go and I had to drag myself up and take him and then he still hung on to me wanting to know when am I going to be better.
This whole journey is teaching me to appreciate life and moments. I am not going to start preaching but when the simplest of things are taken you feel bare. I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I know that it is only for a short period and my hair grows back but I just feel bare. No beauty, no walls, even a jaded personality. Everyone can see what is going on. I am forced to look at my own face and see who I am. Life is so easy to run around and be busy and hide the real feelings inside. I have been so good at this. Work, children, fun, keeping fit and now it's gone, the wall has gone, all that is left is the true me. There are so many of us that never stop and hide behind our exterior. We are obsessed with success and wanting more all the time, it never ends. I want to just feel well, and get the boys to and from school, to walk Bongo and just have my spark back. I think about love and wanting to have someone but the reality is that won't happen for quite some time as I will need to like myself again and that will not happen overnight. It does run through my mind that, who wants to be with someone that has had breast cancer, crazy and mad but just my thoughts. I have put on a stone and all my clothes are too tight which I hate more than anything. I have always worked so hard at keeping fit and eating well.
I'm still analysing why me! I sit think about what has caused this and why. I was fit, never ate rubbish food and looked after myself. Why me? At the beginning of the year I made the decision that this was a year to challenge myself. Bloody hell the universe decided to take me to my limits and give me my biggest. I know once all of the treatment is done I will be done with cancer but the light is in the distance. Once I get past 3 I am half way there and on the home run.
Today i managed to shower which is one more step than yesterday. I am feeling better today and managing the symptoms but getting there slowly.
Thank you to my dog walkers, Bongo is snoring loader than ever!
I'm having a daily injection to make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells. The side effects are knocking me for six and yesterday was a shit day, I could barely move and my whole body felt like it has been hit by a bus. It's really hard to explain, just horrid, I cried a lot again just wanting the horrible feelings to go. You would think that my body was going through enough already with the chemo let alone adding more drugs to the equation. Feeling angry that haven't I got enough to deal with without this but don't really have any choice in the matter as without them my immune system would go dangerously low. On Tuesday before the injections I was really okay and looking forward to getting out and walking the dog and taking Luke to school, there was light at the end of the tunnel. There still is, but just a few days further away. Looking forward to Monday when my daily injection finish and I can start to feel slightly normal again. Really want to be able to take Luke to school. Even though it is only a 50 metre walk and takes seconds to a 7 year old Mummy walking to school holding your hand is a big thing. This morning we had breakfast in bed together and just hang out until school time then off he went. Nothing has phased him so far but me not taking him to school is one step too far. Tuesday morning he cried and won't go and I had to drag myself up and take him and then he still hung on to me wanting to know when am I going to be better.
This whole journey is teaching me to appreciate life and moments. I am not going to start preaching but when the simplest of things are taken you feel bare. I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I know that it is only for a short period and my hair grows back but I just feel bare. No beauty, no walls, even a jaded personality. Everyone can see what is going on. I am forced to look at my own face and see who I am. Life is so easy to run around and be busy and hide the real feelings inside. I have been so good at this. Work, children, fun, keeping fit and now it's gone, the wall has gone, all that is left is the true me. There are so many of us that never stop and hide behind our exterior. We are obsessed with success and wanting more all the time, it never ends. I want to just feel well, and get the boys to and from school, to walk Bongo and just have my spark back. I think about love and wanting to have someone but the reality is that won't happen for quite some time as I will need to like myself again and that will not happen overnight. It does run through my mind that, who wants to be with someone that has had breast cancer, crazy and mad but just my thoughts. I have put on a stone and all my clothes are too tight which I hate more than anything. I have always worked so hard at keeping fit and eating well.
I'm still analysing why me! I sit think about what has caused this and why. I was fit, never ate rubbish food and looked after myself. Why me? At the beginning of the year I made the decision that this was a year to challenge myself. Bloody hell the universe decided to take me to my limits and give me my biggest. I know once all of the treatment is done I will be done with cancer but the light is in the distance. Once I get past 3 I am half way there and on the home run.
Today i managed to shower which is one more step than yesterday. I am feeling better today and managing the symptoms but getting there slowly.
Thank you to my dog walkers, Bongo is snoring loader than ever!
Monday, 2 June 2014
Emotional
Been a tough few days but hopefully through to the other side now. Sickness after meals is still tough and more tired this time. Sleep is getting better. Friday I was up until 4am, Saturday only between 2-4 and last night 3-4. Hoping for a full night tonight. Yesterday I just couldn't get going at all. I sat and watched Emily dig the weeds from the pond. One advantage of being I'll is you have lots so help do the garden. She worked so hard but looks great. Emily waited so I didn't lift a finger. Some people are just good at caring for people.
Today another emotional day. Went for my reflexology at The Pink Place which was very relaxing. Nice feeling to mix with other people that are going through the same thing and share experiences. Met a lady that drinks in the coach and horses which was quite funny. Made the decision to shave my hair off today. It was falling out at such a rate that I just wanted it done. Cried as the girl was doing it. Just made it all a bit more final. Came down stairs and the people were so kind and could see I was upset and all just hugged me and all became very tearful. Then had a lovey hug from Harry who picked me up was nice to see a familiar face. I was pretty exhausted after this morning so had lunch and put myself to bed for a few hours. Had a great sleep though. People's kindness still overwhelms me. My dear friend Helen drove down from Nottingham to be with me this week, leaving her 2 boys behind with hubby to be with me. She has packed her juicer and veg box so looks like I will be on a green stuff by the end of the week. Coconut water this afternoon which took me ages to drink but slipped apple juice in to make it more palatable. You tastebuds just change and foods you like just seem horrible now.
Boys back today. Zach was a little shocked by my hair and really didn't know what to say. I think I will keep wearing hats just softens the whole experience. Luke didn't even mention it just looked and off he went.
Today another emotional day. Went for my reflexology at The Pink Place which was very relaxing. Nice feeling to mix with other people that are going through the same thing and share experiences. Met a lady that drinks in the coach and horses which was quite funny. Made the decision to shave my hair off today. It was falling out at such a rate that I just wanted it done. Cried as the girl was doing it. Just made it all a bit more final. Came down stairs and the people were so kind and could see I was upset and all just hugged me and all became very tearful. Then had a lovey hug from Harry who picked me up was nice to see a familiar face. I was pretty exhausted after this morning so had lunch and put myself to bed for a few hours. Had a great sleep though. People's kindness still overwhelms me. My dear friend Helen drove down from Nottingham to be with me this week, leaving her 2 boys behind with hubby to be with me. She has packed her juicer and veg box so looks like I will be on a green stuff by the end of the week. Coconut water this afternoon which took me ages to drink but slipped apple juice in to make it more palatable. You tastebuds just change and foods you like just seem horrible now.
Boys back today. Zach was a little shocked by my hair and really didn't know what to say. I think I will keep wearing hats just softens the whole experience. Luke didn't even mention it just looked and off he went.
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