Holidays

I have had a pretty good week really, only a few wobbles which isn't too bad considering.  Relieved to get on a plane and away.  I am still struggling with emotions and they come at the most unexpected times.  I have no control over them and I just have to cry.  Some say it's a bit like moaning, the end of your treatment and living with the thought of it coming back.  I do work really hard at pushing those thoughts away but they do sneak in Now and again.  

I'm on Holiday now and feel normal apart from the tiredness, it still gets me, I do try and work through it so it doesn't control me, even if it is only 10 mins of pushing through i then sit down and relax.  I am exhausted by 9. The tiredness isn't like the tired you feel on a normal every day basis, it's like it wants to take control of your mind as well as your body, you try and shake it away from your head and then you find yourself snapping at the children, it has won and I hurry around to get stuff done so I can sit down with a cup of tea. I can't hide whilst here, I can't just keep myself busy. I have to stop and relax which was I suppose the reason for coming now, at the end.  Even though my treatment finished exactly  2 weeks ago, the effects keep going.  Even on Wedsnesday I was back at the doctors with an infections as my skin had broken down. Officially from yesterday (Friday) I am now on the road to recovery and in remission, which is fantastic. 

I look forward to gaining my energy levels back and have the stamina to keep up with the boys again. Not having the heavy feeling by 5pm and being able to sit on Lukes bed at night and read a story with him without dosing off.  I don't know how long it will take for me to be where I was in March, some say a year and some say never.  I sit and think about how I felt whilst having chemo and how really, really shit it was, there were only a few people saw me unable to get out of bed and cry, sobbed, forcing myself to get up.  I couldn't let it win, I couldn't let it take control of me, it was really a battle of wills. I really won't even wish it upon my worst enemy.  I don't think about why me anymore, just how can I stop it.  The bizzare thing is that current medicine just attacks Cancer, takes it out, then poisons you but doesn't actually find out why my body decided to let its defences down. 

Next Chapter Please

I would love be able to say that I had a great day on my birthday but unfortunately not.  I think I will put that one in a box and leave it closed forever.

My frame of mind at the moment is really not that good.  I haven't stopped crying for days, apparently this is normally.  I think my body wants to wind down after 7 months of keeping myself going and fighting.  It isn't until now that I have just been pushing through and now I feel exhausted with it all.

One day left and then I am done, feels really strange that next week there is nothing, just normal life. Met with a client today who hasn't seen me since March, I feel more conscious now, not so confident but I am sure that will come back.

Feel like 7 months has caught up with me, all in one week. I am pretty sure sometime over the next few weeks I will hit rock bottom.  It has been the worst week for tears this week, you would think I would be overjoyed that it's over, but I really feel nothing, just a bit empty and tired with it all. Desperate to get back to normal and forget.

Today - 10th October
Trying to treat today as my birthday as Charlotte is here and came with so many gifts last night, felt truly spoilt.  Feeling so tired today, not excited about the very last day of treatment.  Not sure whether to cry, laugh, scream or just collapse.  It did feel strange that next week there will be nothing, no more milestones or appointments.  The nurse's at St Lukes are all so cool and lovely and over the last 5 weeks had some good laughs.  When the treatment was done, I was meant to go and have some reflexology but really didn't feel like it.  Walked to Tescos, where Charlotte and Helen were waiting for me.  I did cry, when I saw them and we all hugged. My amazing friend Helen had champagne in the boot of the car with a Victoria sponge to celebrate, if I didn't have those 2 there I think I would have crumbled completely.  We were in the middle of the car park drinking champers at 11am in the morning, it went straight to my head and I then spent an hour constantly talking to Charlottes amusement.  Thankfully, it gave me a great distraction and the END became fun and full of laughter.

I do have some incredible positives happening and launching of new ventures, which is truly amazing and I am determined to make a positive out of this hideous journey that I had over the last 7 months.