I sometimes feel that my life is so complicated, I want it to be simple, but it never seems to happen.
Not sure whether I mentioned this in the last blog, but the doctors have decided to operate and look into the cyst they have found on my ovaries. So many different feelings. One trying to control my fear, pure fear and just keeping positive. I find myself holding back the tears 90% of the time. Just a waiting game now, waiting for a week for my appointment to come through. I hoped it would be before Christmas, but not sure that is going to happen now. I hate the waiting, just hate it. Everyone tells me to stay positive which I am, but boy it is hard work. My biggest fears are there and controlling them is just awful.
I went away for the weekend and forgot my tablets, you really don't realise how much you mind puts on them. I just couldn't go the weekend without taking them. It really played on my mind and I kept telling myself that, don't be silly it won't come back overnight, but no matter how much you convince yourself it is there.
I have eczema on my eye, which I am sure it is because of stress and nothing seems to be making it go.
Monday, 14 December 2015
Saturday, 28 November 2015
Saturday morning
Its Saturday morning and I need to catch up.
Feel the pressure today and trying to work out ways of raising more money for GP. My life seems to be a juggling act of family, friends, home and work. There are too many balls in the air and I am sure one is going to fall soon. I keep putting myself further into this with and a bigger whole. Even thinking about moving house to relieve the financial stress, but it all needs to happen now rather than in a months time.
Feel slightly on my own with not much support from other directors to make this work, it is all down to me and my team. We have all been on the phone this week trying to get the cash in. The schools market is such a tough one and we are so close to turning that corner. I know it will fly just need a bit more breathing space to get going. Hired another telesales person and she lasted exactly 2 days and decided that the sales environment is not for her. Slight gutted and the other one is going as he hasn't sold anything yet. Kim is still my superstar.
Roll On Christmas
I always end up saying the same thing when I write these blogs. It is normally I have been meaning to write this for ages.
I have had an interesting few weeks. Work is going well but very stressful, which I do find hard to manage. I decided today that I am not exercising enough and that I need to take more time out to make my self more productive. Sharpening the saw and all that. Tiredness seems to have go worse but I don't feel sick anymore. The doctors have just changed the time of day that I take my tablets to the night time so I sleep through the side effects. It seems to have worked which is such a relief as that feeling of feeling sick all day isn't great. Brings back those memories of being pregnant.
I haven't been looking after myself very well at the moment, work has taken over and GP is taking a little too much of my time. I have a huge divide of in my mind that I should be working. I know that will pay off in the end. Its funny I had my hair cut the other day and I was chatting to Zoe and we couldn't believe that nearly exactly a year ago I had my first hair cut. My hair is staring to come back to normal, even the texture is starting to feel soft instead of wiry and slightly course. The curls are still there but only at the tips, it is such a pain to have to straighten my hair every time I was it otherwise my hair really does resemble a bush.
I have done some amazing things this month, even though very tough. A few weeks ago I had to stand up in front of 20 corporates and talk about my experience with Cancer, and why Cancer Research is so important. I broke down with in 2 mins of talking, it is the first time I have actually spoken about it in front of a crowd, I have written lots but not spoken. Mark was with me and he made it worse as he welled up so I couldn't look at him. Well, it gave the impact that Cancer Research wanted and helped with their mission of the business to think about how they can raise any money. It was a tough evening for me and I found it so hard and beat myself up afterwards as I really didn't want to cry and be that stereo type.
For the last couple of months I have been getting pain in my lower abdominal, had that checked out and they found a cyst 1.7cm on my ovaries. The first thought I had was shit, what if it is cancerous. You can't help it. The doctor did say it was a smooth cyst which is good. I did remind her, that she made exactly the same comment about the cyst in my breast. Any way it is being check, I am not overly concerned even if my thoughts sometimes go into panic mode, I am getting better at controlling them.
I have started getting eczema, it first started by my month, which I have managed to keep under control, but a bit has come up around my eye, which seems to be a little more difficult to shift. I have never had skin problems, I do think this is down to stress. Roll on Christmas!!!
Even after a year I still bruise so easily. I did my first 10km mud run for the first time in 18 months. I loved it so much and want to do more. I remember why I loved it so much.
And finally my awards. I can honestly say I am completely shocked that I won these. Really cannot believe, my first award on my merit, not on public votes completely on GP and what we stand for.
I have had an interesting few weeks. Work is going well but very stressful, which I do find hard to manage. I decided today that I am not exercising enough and that I need to take more time out to make my self more productive. Sharpening the saw and all that. Tiredness seems to have go worse but I don't feel sick anymore. The doctors have just changed the time of day that I take my tablets to the night time so I sleep through the side effects. It seems to have worked which is such a relief as that feeling of feeling sick all day isn't great. Brings back those memories of being pregnant.
I haven't been looking after myself very well at the moment, work has taken over and GP is taking a little too much of my time. I have a huge divide of in my mind that I should be working. I know that will pay off in the end. Its funny I had my hair cut the other day and I was chatting to Zoe and we couldn't believe that nearly exactly a year ago I had my first hair cut. My hair is staring to come back to normal, even the texture is starting to feel soft instead of wiry and slightly course. The curls are still there but only at the tips, it is such a pain to have to straighten my hair every time I was it otherwise my hair really does resemble a bush.
I have done some amazing things this month, even though very tough. A few weeks ago I had to stand up in front of 20 corporates and talk about my experience with Cancer, and why Cancer Research is so important. I broke down with in 2 mins of talking, it is the first time I have actually spoken about it in front of a crowd, I have written lots but not spoken. Mark was with me and he made it worse as he welled up so I couldn't look at him. Well, it gave the impact that Cancer Research wanted and helped with their mission of the business to think about how they can raise any money. It was a tough evening for me and I found it so hard and beat myself up afterwards as I really didn't want to cry and be that stereo type.
For the last couple of months I have been getting pain in my lower abdominal, had that checked out and they found a cyst 1.7cm on my ovaries. The first thought I had was shit, what if it is cancerous. You can't help it. The doctor did say it was a smooth cyst which is good. I did remind her, that she made exactly the same comment about the cyst in my breast. Any way it is being check, I am not overly concerned even if my thoughts sometimes go into panic mode, I am getting better at controlling them.
I have started getting eczema, it first started by my month, which I have managed to keep under control, but a bit has come up around my eye, which seems to be a little more difficult to shift. I have never had skin problems, I do think this is down to stress. Roll on Christmas!!!
Even after a year I still bruise so easily. I did my first 10km mud run for the first time in 18 months. I loved it so much and want to do more. I remember why I loved it so much.
And finally my awards. I can honestly say I am completely shocked that I won these. Really cannot believe, my first award on my merit, not on public votes completely on GP and what we stand for.
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
Weird
Weird
The weirdest thing happened this week which surprised me and my fellow work colleagues. I am trying to raise more money for GP so spreading a lot of time talking to investors. I have been doing this all summer so so,etching that I am really use to. Anyway on Tuesday I was sitting in a particularly tough meeting with a gentlemen that grilled me more than usual. He kept quizzing me about Telesales For Business (my old business) and wanted to know what had happened to it. I just kept saying that it had come to a natural end, I didn't really answer the question but kept going around it. Then out of the blue I started to well up and the tears ran down my face. I couldn't get my words out and really chocked up. I finally composed myself and explained that I was diagnosed with breast cancer in March 2014 and had to let my clients go as I had 9 months of treatment. When I returned to work in the November I only picked 2 up just to get me back into it. I have been talking about the cancer to so many people and was so shocked that the feelings come out in the meeting, really not sure why. Even Richard one of GP's directors was sitting there as the tears fell. Tried to analyse why it happened, but can't put my finger on it. I apologised to Richard and the lovely gentlemen and felt so embarrassed that it had happened.
My visit's to London are becoming more frequent, find them very tiring and the next day I really feel it. Even though I am as fit as a fiddle travelling still wares me out. In again today, so tomorrow I will be particular tired. For the first time ever in one of the meetings I have had he ask about what if IT comes back? How do you answer that? I don't know, who knows! All I can do is build it so it can run without me. I can't do anymore than that
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Monday, 8 June 2015
Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Monday, 11 May 2015
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
March will never be the same
This month brings back some memory's being the start of my journey. I have written this over the month of March as things come into my head, so sorry if it jumps all over the place.
Back to the beginning.
This time last year I found the lump, which I thought nothing of at the time. I had found a lump in July of 2012 so really didn't think any of it really. I had made the appointment with the Doctor but was pretty chilled. Kerry and I went away for the weekend which was full of fun and booze. How little did I know that this lump would change my life forever. Even the doctor was positive and said that it wasn't hard and lumpy which is what cancer normally feels like. All the emotions I felt last year are starting to come back. I know every date of every major appointment.
The 17th was my first appointment for the test. I actually knew 3 ladies that were there on the same day as me. Stats say one in 3 but I never in a million years thought this would be me. I was the fittest I had ever been and was due to do a triathlon on the 1st weekend of April. I went through the same stages as the previous year, but this time the scan showed a shadow in the lump. They put a local anesthetic in and did a biopsy, there and then. Poor Laura, who hates needles sat at the opposite end of the room otherwise she would be fainted, which apparently normally the men. They went in twice and the second time hurt. I knew something was not quite right as we got taken off into another room for a cup of tea. The results would take 5 days to come through so I wouldn't know anything until the 25th March. That weekend I think was the worst ever, not knowing and having the lump in your throat with worry. I just had to keep myself busy and try not to worry too much, but easier said than done.
I don't think I prepared myself for the worse, in my normal way of battle on with no one can touch me attitude. Jesus, I had no idea how this would impact my life.
March 25th will be in my diary for the rest of mydays I have some exciting stuff happening in my life the big C is always in the back of my mind. Today I looked at my Facebook page and all the events, photos and messages that have happened over the last year. Does make me cry but also gives me the realization that life is good and I have to be very grateful for that. I think sometimes we all take for granted what we have but I know that just being here is awesome. I really do have a zest for life. I did my longest bike ride at the weekend, 55km and felt fine afterwards. On most of the rides I have been on I felt jaded for a few hours, but on Saturday I didn't it felt like a big milestone in my recovery.
Part of me now doesn't want to look back, just forget and get on with my life and with so much going on it is easier to do this. Maybe I should, I can't change what happened to me even though it is now part of me, thankfully it isn't the sentence for breast cancer suffers anymore and there are some good stats out there. I am very positive about life and with a new love in my life, it couldn't get any better.
I still sit here and can't believe all that has happened to me in the past year, all seems a little unreal and now this new chapter is just so incredibly exciting and every move I make seems to be making a difference. Lets hope this continues.
Thank you everyone for all your amazing support.
Back to the beginning.
This time last year I found the lump, which I thought nothing of at the time. I had found a lump in July of 2012 so really didn't think any of it really. I had made the appointment with the Doctor but was pretty chilled. Kerry and I went away for the weekend which was full of fun and booze. How little did I know that this lump would change my life forever. Even the doctor was positive and said that it wasn't hard and lumpy which is what cancer normally feels like. All the emotions I felt last year are starting to come back. I know every date of every major appointment.
The 17th was my first appointment for the test. I actually knew 3 ladies that were there on the same day as me. Stats say one in 3 but I never in a million years thought this would be me. I was the fittest I had ever been and was due to do a triathlon on the 1st weekend of April. I went through the same stages as the previous year, but this time the scan showed a shadow in the lump. They put a local anesthetic in and did a biopsy, there and then. Poor Laura, who hates needles sat at the opposite end of the room otherwise she would be fainted, which apparently normally the men. They went in twice and the second time hurt. I knew something was not quite right as we got taken off into another room for a cup of tea. The results would take 5 days to come through so I wouldn't know anything until the 25th March. That weekend I think was the worst ever, not knowing and having the lump in your throat with worry. I just had to keep myself busy and try not to worry too much, but easier said than done.
I don't think I prepared myself for the worse, in my normal way of battle on with no one can touch me attitude. Jesus, I had no idea how this would impact my life.
March 25th will be in my diary for the rest of my
Part of me now doesn't want to look back, just forget and get on with my life and with so much going on it is easier to do this. Maybe I should, I can't change what happened to me even though it is now part of me, thankfully it isn't the sentence for breast cancer suffers anymore and there are some good stats out there. I am very positive about life and with a new love in my life, it couldn't get any better.
I still sit here and can't believe all that has happened to me in the past year, all seems a little unreal and now this new chapter is just so incredibly exciting and every move I make seems to be making a difference. Lets hope this continues.
Thank you everyone for all your amazing support.
Thursday, 5 March 2015
First proper check up
I wrote this on the 19th Feb, just forgot to post it.
I really get stressed before an appointment, I should be pleased and relieved as I am on the treadmill, but it seems such a long time from finishing treatment to my first appointment which was only last week. I suppose there is a lot of fear in there that there might be another lump or something could be wrong, it is such an unknown field. No one can say you are cured, no one can tell you it will never return. Every little stabbing pain you get, your automatic reaction is to think "is it back?" Things are good though, I have repaired well, but the breast pain could be there for a week, a month or forever, it is such an individual thing. Just something you have to live with. Its a consent monitoring. The nice thing was to have someone there that you are emotionally involved with. I love my friends and they were all so amazing and would never let me do a hospital visit on my own, but to have a hug when tears build up in your eyes just helps. Ironically, I was in the same room, as last year. I did start to cry as it brought back that day, nearly one year ago when I was told I had breast cancer. Can't believe it really sat here writing this.
God so much has happened in the last 12 months, okay, some of it has been shit, but there has been so much good stuff too. It has changed me and I feel, in a better way. Maybe I am more honest with myself in situations, also to trust myself that things will be okay. The cancer is all around us now. More and more people of being diagnosed. I had a mail today from a friend whose friend has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and not dealing with it very well, he asked me if I would speak with her. I feel privileged that he has asked me and that I can help. It is such a lonely time and all the people you lovetry so hard to support you, but what goes through your head is just about dying. You have to work through it so quickly before it takes hold and brings you down and let the cancer win. I know that I have said this before, but is mind games, cancer f**ks with your head. Quite a deep one this one, didn't plan for it to be but haven't written in a while so maybe more thoughts are coming out.
I really get stressed before an appointment, I should be pleased and relieved as I am on the treadmill, but it seems such a long time from finishing treatment to my first appointment which was only last week. I suppose there is a lot of fear in there that there might be another lump or something could be wrong, it is such an unknown field. No one can say you are cured, no one can tell you it will never return. Every little stabbing pain you get, your automatic reaction is to think "is it back?" Things are good though, I have repaired well, but the breast pain could be there for a week, a month or forever, it is such an individual thing. Just something you have to live with. Its a consent monitoring. The nice thing was to have someone there that you are emotionally involved with. I love my friends and they were all so amazing and would never let me do a hospital visit on my own, but to have a hug when tears build up in your eyes just helps. Ironically, I was in the same room, as last year. I did start to cry as it brought back that day, nearly one year ago when I was told I had breast cancer. Can't believe it really sat here writing this.
God so much has happened in the last 12 months, okay, some of it has been shit, but there has been so much good stuff too. It has changed me and I feel, in a better way. Maybe I am more honest with myself in situations, also to trust myself that things will be okay. The cancer is all around us now. More and more people of being diagnosed. I had a mail today from a friend whose friend has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and not dealing with it very well, he asked me if I would speak with her. I feel privileged that he has asked me and that I can help. It is such a lonely time and all the people you love
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
What a ride!
Wow, can't believe how things are going, really quite amazing.
The radio interview yesterday really was good fun and once I had settled my nerves really quite enjoyed it. All this media attention is great. In more papers this week, really quite amazing just trying to get my feet on the floor and stay focused on Telesales for Business too. Which ironically is going really well. Life is a funny thing, one minute you have it all taken away from you and then all of this. You have to take opportunities in life, you really do have to grasp things and go. I don't have time to look back on last year, which I think is a positive as it is making me move forward and not dwell in the past and the pain of 2014. I still worry about it coming back and whenever an appointment is near I start to get uneasy about it. Every time I have a bit of pain I record it and wonder, so hard living with something that could return at any moment and actually could kill you. I don't think about that though, and just carry on going forward. It is fun writing this, its been a while, but when you have to actually think about how you feel it brings back all sorts of emotions. I haven't cried in ages, but today I sit here writing this with a tear running down my face.
I have also had torealise how fragile I am still, and only the slightest bug can knock me for 6. I got a water infection a couple of weeks ago, which completely floored me. Even the doctor was surprised how my body reacted. There was no reason, just my immune system kicking back and saying that is it isn't fixed yet. Still recovering from a cold over Christmas. I still have to be careful and manage myself well when it comes to exercise, but each time I go out the stronger I am becoming. I did my first ever 27 mile bike ride a few weeks ago, but it really tired me out and couldn't move for the evening, but did it again last weekend and felt okay.
With all the excitement in my life, it is so amazing to have someone to share it with. Yes, you all knew I had started dating and were desperately trying to find out a little more. Well, I am just going steady with someone which feels fab. It is still early days and only been a couple of months It just feels like everything is coming together for me. It is so wonderful to be able to share these experiences and excitement.
Your life can change so quickly and we all have to be grateful for what we have as I well know it can be taken so quickly too. There is always someone worse off than you even if you think your life is crap I always focus on I am here and living, I am going to enjoy this journey as I think I am in for a great ride in 2015.
The radio interview yesterday really was good fun and once I had settled my nerves really quite enjoyed it. All this media attention is great. In more papers this week, really quite amazing just trying to get my feet on the floor and stay focused on Telesales for Business too. Which ironically is going really well. Life is a funny thing, one minute you have it all taken away from you and then all of this. You have to take opportunities in life, you really do have to grasp things and go. I don't have time to look back on last year, which I think is a positive as it is making me move forward and not dwell in the past and the pain of 2014. I still worry about it coming back and whenever an appointment is near I start to get uneasy about it. Every time I have a bit of pain I record it and wonder, so hard living with something that could return at any moment and actually could kill you. I don't think about that though, and just carry on going forward. It is fun writing this, its been a while, but when you have to actually think about how you feel it brings back all sorts of emotions. I haven't cried in ages, but today I sit here writing this with a tear running down my face.
I have also had to
With all the excitement in my life, it is so amazing to have someone to share it with. Yes, you all knew I had started dating and were desperately trying to find out a little more. Well, I am just going steady with someone which feels fab. It is still early days and only been a couple of months It just feels like everything is coming together for me. It is so wonderful to be able to share these experiences and excitement.
Your life can change so quickly and we all have to be grateful for what we have as I well know it can be taken so quickly too. There is always someone worse off than you even if you think your life is crap I always focus on I am here and living, I am going to enjoy this journey as I think I am in for a great ride in 2015.
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