Goodbye 2014!

Well, I can honestly say I am truly relieved that this year is over. I don't look at it negatively just glad to put the pain, sadness and illness behind me.  I have learned some hard lessons, it has taken a serisoulgy wake up call and getting cancer to bring them all home.  I have learnt what really friends do when someone is in need and it has truly amazed me the support I have been given.  So thank you to my Friends, especially to the Rotherwick Friends, you are all incredible and I could not have done it without you.  The parcels on my doorstep, the cleaning, ironing, cooking, coffee trips and holding my hand when it all got too much for me and I cried, it all made the experience a better one. Yes, I have had some disappointments in friends and family that I thought would come forward, but never did, but I think that is the lesson I had to learn, to let them go and live in their selfish world.  I read back on the comments that have been made on Facebook, even though you were not here by my side each comment help me get stronger.  I feel like this is a bit of a speech, but needed to finish 2014 on a positive and show my appreciation.

Even though it was hell it could have been a lot worse and I feel lucky that my diagnosis is so positive as there are hundreds of families out there that would have their loved ones this Christmas because of this shitty disease they are not.  My heart goes out to everyone of you.  (I'm sounding like Ben :).

Some might not agree with my actions over the last few months and some have criticized me for starting dating again.  I don't think anyone has the right to tell me how to live my life after having to endure the treatment I have had.  Yes, I might not be emotionally stable, but I try so hard to keep a level head and yes, I have made mistakes, but isn't that life, shouldn't make mistakes to learn.  Life would be far too boring if it was sunshine all the time.  I needed to go out there and feel like me again, get drunk, kiss someone just to make me feel like a human being.  I want to put the last year behind me and start living again, more so that I have ever done before.  I am sure I will make more mistakes, but as long as I learn from them, isn't that all that counts. For the first time in my life, I will live it, the way I want to, without the worry of what people may say.

Happy New Year everyone.  I am truly looking forward to 2015 even though I am full of cold.

Love to you all.

xxxxx

Explode

Feel amazing today, full of life and energy.  Not had a bad day for 10 days, which just feels great, but it also gives me anticipation that one is around the corner.  Managing myself really well at the moment, sleep is good and I managed to nod off for the last 2 nights with no drugs, just a good book.  Feels quite invigorating to be able to get to sleep without anything.  I hate having to relay on something to get me to sleep.  Anxiouseity is better, but not sure now whether it is just my pure excitement for life.  Could run around shouting at the top of my voice telling the world how good I feel. Of course, there is other stuff going on in my life, but god it feels good to be wanted.  I really do have a skip and a jump in my step and very much looking forward to the future.  Who knows how it will turn out, but hey, I am enjoying myself, which I think is more important than anything else at the moment.  Just have such an urge to explode and dance till the early hours, party until I drop, run and just live.  Maybe it is me feeling better with life and feeling good.

I have so many friends out there that I have neglected this year and just not had the want to chat. I hate being negative and didn't want to think when I talk to people it is all about me and the cancer.  Yes, I have been through a really shit time but want to talk with friends feeling happy and not wanting to cry.  I still well up when I think of some of the times that I have had to deal with over the last 8 months but want to be able to tell people with a positive voice rather than a sad, which I know I have had until now.  I called a lot of those friends today and it was so lovely to talk and laugh together and arrange a rendezvous.

My darling Zachary has really struggled over the last few weeks. There is so much anger inside him and unfortunately it is targeted at me.  The poor child had to be so good at home for the last 8 months and be the man of the house while I was ill that the backlash has now come out.  He is just misbehaving and being so naughty at school with this anger.  At the beginning of the week it was all my fault. I know that he doesn't mean it, but it hurts.  I think he is angry that I was ill and blames me for the way he feels.  I know he will get through this and the school is being quite incredible and supporting him so much.  This one is out of my hands completely and I have to let him find his own path and his own emotions.  He is spending more time with his Dad as he just gets too frustrated and cross with me which also hurts but I do know he doesn't mean it.

Given in!

I actually wrote this last week and forgot to post it....

Another mixed week!

Just so hard, managing me and my own expectation of myself and what I can and cannot do.  I struggle with just having to sit down and do nothing, but then on the other hand, my body struggles to keep going and forces me to just stop.  Last week was the worst week for sleep. When I went to bed, I try and get to sleep and lay there until 4am wide awake, but almost in tears as I just wanted to sleep.  I have been taking calms, meditation app, breathing exercises and reading. I have been waking up every morning with a horrible anxious feeling in my chest and palpitation. Just horrible.  I am spending so much time concentrating on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.  There are no triggers, no reasons, I don't think I am worried about anything. I think it is just down to lack of sleep. I struggle with the anxiuosity, I have always been such a laid back person and never really let life bother me, but now, I could and do cry at the littlest of upsets.  When I get tired it creates so many negative emotions which I am so aware of and I seem to be spending my life counteracting myself to try and create different thought paths.

Well, after battling with myself and my mind, I gave in and went to the doctor.  She sat there and just smiled at me and said "give yourself a break". Just let you body repair and give me sleeping tablets and something for the anxiety. Only for the next 2 weeks to just help me along.  I do feel like I have given in to it and failed.  I didn't want to go down this route, but then on the other hand, I feel slightly relieved that I am going to sleep and the anxiety will stop and I can just relax a little.

It is so strange how this whole journey has affected me.  I went hunting yesterday and the anxiety kick in, big time.  I have hunted more times that I can remember, but I have been just so worried about my strength and would I have the stamina to keep going.  I did manage it and jumped a few jumps, but it even though after about 3 hours I tried, my stopping method was going up Laura and Kenny's backside or an old trick Dad showed us as kids and that was to cry the reins over their whithers.  The poor thing didn't like that at all.  It is such a hard thing to deal with after riding for so many years and I struggled to stop a 14.2hh pony, mind you they are all little shits!

I would love to tell you about my dating experience but not sure this is quite the right place!!