Even though I was a little worried about being on my own, I have got into the swing of things and kept myself rather busy. The garden is looking great and my veg patch has very few weeds. I have a long list of all my jobs and working through them nicely.
Had a lovely 24 hours with Charlotte in South Croyden. Managed a good hill walk yesterday morning with no dizziness and managed to get to the top with only a few steep, but was panting as much as Doug the Pug. I drove down to Midhurst to see the nurtiionist which was pretty eye opening. No one knows why I got cancer and from my history the biggest factor is stress. Even though I think I am pretty laid back the last 3 years might have taken its toll on me. I know I have been and others are very skeptical of Herbalist but after being with Carol for nearly 2 hours it opened my eyes. My diet was pretty good anyway and I ate well, but the research that is going on with cancer that we don't know about is amazing. There was so much she told me about the evidence that is coming through from the leading cancer research clinics here in the UK and in the US. 50,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year and there is a reason for this. I wanted to do this as I want to do everything in my power to prevent cancer returning and protect my children. Also, I thought I would share it with you all and you can take what you want from it. You might all think I am going OTT but I will do everything in my power not to go through this again. I am now prone to it returning even with the drugs I have to take over the next 10 years. I am not going to start ranting about what you should and shouldn't eat but there is some good stuff out there all we need to do is look for it.
There is also a link with altzemiers and cancer and all these foods can help prevent either returning or developing. My father is in a home now and my grandmother died from altzemiers so I am even more determined to improve what I put in my body to prevent either.
There is research going on as we speak where food is being directly connected to the cure and cause of cancer.
Turmeric is now coming through in research as one of the best fighters and preventative foods for cancer. I didn't know this, but while I was having chemo, I was taking turmeric. With me taking this while having chemo makes the treatment twice as effective. Having 3 treatments while taking the superfood gave me the same effect as having 6 sessions. I had no idea this has been just by chance. It has to be taken with oil/good fat as our bodies cannot digest it.
Flaxseesds on a daily basis, but this has to be grounded.
Cinnamon and ginger really good for you.
Green tea and fennel tea.
Here are the foods we need to load in our diet:
Oily fish - Salmon, Trout, Mackerel, Sardines (tinned in tomato sauce is great and I love them), Pilcards
Brassicas Veg - Kale, Cabbage (Cavelo Nero), broccoli, rocket, watercress and land cress - Weekly
Fruits - Raspberries, blackberries, red currants, black-currant. I have to stay away from grapes and limit apples as they have too much sugar even though natural.
Nuts - Walnuts, almonds, Brazils
Eggs are great
Limit red meat but chicken and turkey are good as well as pulses.
You might not believe this, but there is a study going on where too much diary has been directly linked to cancer. I did argue this with her, being a farmer's daughter. We all drank milk straight from the bulk tank and the 10 of us have all been really healthy. The problem lies in the pasteurizing process and strips all the good stuff away.
They have clinically proven that too much sugar causes cancer. It raises our insulin levels too much. I know I can hear you going, yeah right, but Cancer loves sugar, especially unrefined sugar.
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Life goes on.
The summer holidays have began. I have mixed feelings about it really, some is thank goodness I can relax in the mornings and the other is, shit I am on my own what am I going to do?? (Please this is not a plea for company just how I feel.) The funny thing is that I need to be completely on my own, something I have to learn to do again. Before all of this happened, I loved my time solo, but you do get very use to company and someone being in the house and now there is no one you have to get use to being with by yourself again. You forget how important your daily routine is. Not having the school run makes the day seem so much longer. I am missing that, with Zach not walking in at 3pm and chatting to all the Mums while waiting for the children come out from the lessons.
The boys have gone camping with their Dad for a week, so trying to make it all positive and enjoy the time I have to relax and get stronger for when they return. Still very tired and run at of energy by the end of the day. An opportunity to sleep this week and get all those little jobs done around the house that have been left for the last 5 months. I can't believe it has been 5 months since this has all started, the time has flown by really, even though some quite dark moments. The one thing I am starting to realise is that my journey has really only just began and cancer is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but there will always be a worry about whether it will return. You talk to people that have had it and they all say with a cheer 'clear for 5 years'. I don't worry, but it plays on my mind all the time about what I am eating and drinking. I am sitting here with a bottle of beer wondering whether I should not drink it or eat the piece of ham in the fridge, the extra spoon full of honey in my coffee in the morning. Will it give me cancer again?
Waiting for my appointment for radiotherapy to start. Bloody hate the waiting drives me nuts. Again this whole experience is teaching me to sit back and let the universe decide what, when and how. I have spent so much time stressing about stuff but at the end of the day it all works out in the end. I am hoping it will start next week as Frank is coming from Vancouver and it would be great for him to be here and drive me to Guildford every day. Not much fun for him but at least we will get some good shopping in.
The boys have gone camping with their Dad for a week, so trying to make it all positive and enjoy the time I have to relax and get stronger for when they return. Still very tired and run at of energy by the end of the day. An opportunity to sleep this week and get all those little jobs done around the house that have been left for the last 5 months. I can't believe it has been 5 months since this has all started, the time has flown by really, even though some quite dark moments. The one thing I am starting to realise is that my journey has really only just began and cancer is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but there will always be a worry about whether it will return. You talk to people that have had it and they all say with a cheer 'clear for 5 years'. I don't worry, but it plays on my mind all the time about what I am eating and drinking. I am sitting here with a bottle of beer wondering whether I should not drink it or eat the piece of ham in the fridge, the extra spoon full of honey in my coffee in the morning. Will it give me cancer again?
Waiting for my appointment for radiotherapy to start. Bloody hate the waiting drives me nuts. Again this whole experience is teaching me to sit back and let the universe decide what, when and how. I have spent so much time stressing about stuff but at the end of the day it all works out in the end. I am hoping it will start next week as Frank is coming from Vancouver and it would be great for him to be here and drive me to Guildford every day. Not much fun for him but at least we will get some good shopping in.
Thursday, 17 July 2014
Good News
Matt arrived yesterday loaded with Farmer Tom's Ice Cream....yummy. Ice cream is one food that I never really ate before, but now it is my staple diet for the week after chemo.
It is funny how when you have someone with you the stress of this journey seems to half. I do struggle some days with just everyday stuff but the house has to keep ticking over. Ali does a huge amount for me washing ironing etc but being Mum is tiring. Having Matt here this morning to do the dishwasher and put the washing out (sorry about the picture on Facebook) while I sort the boys for school just helps. 'A problem shared is a problem halved". Emily and I decided that I spend as little time as possible on my own. I broke down on Sunday when I got home. It was really hard coming home to a empty house after being in hospital since Wednesday. Even my dear little Bongo wasn't here to greet me. I just sat and sobbed, really cried. I didn't release how much it affected me until I got home. The whole environment of people so ill and dying.
Tuesday.
Went in today to have the picc put in but the doctors were still unhappy with my arm and wanted to put off chemo for another week. Pleaded with them again and they decided to go in the other arm but my consultant was unhappy as my right side was were I was operated on. Anyway, after 2 hours of deliberating they decided it would be okay to go into my right arm and chemo is on and picc re-booked for tomorrow.
Wednesday
Everything seems to get so complicated. Went into the doctors to have my picc line fitted and after several attempts it would not go in. The nurse had fitted 60 in the last 3 months and mine is the first not to work. Everything seems to be against me at the moment. Maybe I should just listen to what the universe is saying! Really questioning what this is all doing to my body. Each time a turn a corner a barrier is put up. Not sure what the way forward is as I have no veins to use and the picc line in my right arm is a no go and a sensitive left arm. Seeing the consultant tomorrow to find out what the plan is going forward. Chemo might not happen after all. What a load of bloody rubbish. My gut instinct is telling me to go for a second opinion on my results. Just to see if the next 3 are necessary, my body is responding so badly. I stupidly believed that being fit and healthy would help me get through this but quite the reverse. My body seems to be hating this experience and it all seems to be making me worse.
Thursday
Went to see my consultant. And after looking at what I have been through since starting this with the blood count, infections and my veins, she has decided that to continue with the treatment would have a detrimental effect on my health and would be too risky to continue. Looking at the cancer I had and the percentages it is likely that the cancer will not return. So folks, NO MORE CHEMO, YES, NO MORE CHEMO, NOOOOO MORE CHEEMMOOO. I cannot believe it, feel so relieved and happy that I don't have to go through the horrible experience. I still have to have 3 weeks of radiotherapy and hormonal tablets for the next 5-10 years but NO MORE CHEMO.
It is funny how when you have someone with you the stress of this journey seems to half. I do struggle some days with just everyday stuff but the house has to keep ticking over. Ali does a huge amount for me washing ironing etc but being Mum is tiring. Having Matt here this morning to do the dishwasher and put the washing out (sorry about the picture on Facebook) while I sort the boys for school just helps. 'A problem shared is a problem halved". Emily and I decided that I spend as little time as possible on my own. I broke down on Sunday when I got home. It was really hard coming home to a empty house after being in hospital since Wednesday. Even my dear little Bongo wasn't here to greet me. I just sat and sobbed, really cried. I didn't release how much it affected me until I got home. The whole environment of people so ill and dying.
Tuesday.
Went in today to have the picc put in but the doctors were still unhappy with my arm and wanted to put off chemo for another week. Pleaded with them again and they decided to go in the other arm but my consultant was unhappy as my right side was were I was operated on. Anyway, after 2 hours of deliberating they decided it would be okay to go into my right arm and chemo is on and picc re-booked for tomorrow.
Wednesday
Everything seems to get so complicated. Went into the doctors to have my picc line fitted and after several attempts it would not go in. The nurse had fitted 60 in the last 3 months and mine is the first not to work. Everything seems to be against me at the moment. Maybe I should just listen to what the universe is saying! Really questioning what this is all doing to my body. Each time a turn a corner a barrier is put up. Not sure what the way forward is as I have no veins to use and the picc line in my right arm is a no go and a sensitive left arm. Seeing the consultant tomorrow to find out what the plan is going forward. Chemo might not happen after all. What a load of bloody rubbish. My gut instinct is telling me to go for a second opinion on my results. Just to see if the next 3 are necessary, my body is responding so badly. I stupidly believed that being fit and healthy would help me get through this but quite the reverse. My body seems to be hating this experience and it all seems to be making me worse.
Thursday
Went to see my consultant. And after looking at what I have been through since starting this with the blood count, infections and my veins, she has decided that to continue with the treatment would have a detrimental effect on my health and would be too risky to continue. Looking at the cancer I had and the percentages it is likely that the cancer will not return. So folks, NO MORE CHEMO, YES, NO MORE CHEMO, NOOOOO MORE CHEEMMOOO. I cannot believe it, feel so relieved and happy that I don't have to go through the horrible experience. I still have to have 3 weeks of radiotherapy and hormonal tablets for the next 5-10 years but NO MORE CHEMO.
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Hospitals
Back into hospital yesterday with my arm. Ended up being admitted. All such a pain in the ass. The hospital rang me at 9.30 yesterday and asked me to go in straight away but I pleaded with them for a bit longer as it was Luke's sports day so they gave me until 12. Thankfully Charlotte was with me, I don't know what I would do without her. It's all such a fuss i really hate it, having to rely on others, something I have never done before. Organising children, cats and dogs. It makes me feel so low, I feel like I am living on the edge all the time, watching my temperature, having to be careful with the tiniest of scratches. There was no way that I thought a bit of a swollen arm would put me in hospital for a few days. First of all I was in the Acute Assessment Ward with everyone else. Which is fine Everyone but hate the way they sit and stare at me with no hair and give you that look of sympathy. They don't dare as ask what's wrong. Too scared as they know it's cancer even though I'm here because of something else. Thank goodness I got moved to the cancer ward, just feels more relaxed and understanding.
I am one of the lucky ones. I am in a room with a lady that has terminal cancer. I felt almost guilty when I said I had breast cancer seemed like having a cold compared to her. I really didn't know what to say. Kay told me that she is use to the idea of dying but its leaving loved ones. My god to be in that situation must be so crap. Even the thought of leaving my 2 boys is unbearable. Somewhere I never want to go, makes me cry to even think about it. Her time is against the clock now. She is so ill and in so much pain, god this awful disease is so cruel. I dare not complain and think how lucky i am to know that I will be okay when the treatment is finished and pray to god that it never returns. We sat and chatted about how healthy we both were and looked after ourselves yet there are people out there that smoke, drink heavily and lead unhealthily lives but we are the ones sitting in hospital dealing with this shit. We both asked ourselves, why us! A question I think most cancer suffers ask.
It very exhausting being here, just drains you emotionally. Missing my boys and desperately want to see them but will have to wait until tomorrow. I look so awful, bold, no make up (forgot to pack that), look like someone that should be in hospital. Charlotte and I laughed yesterday about my little stay. I have a window next to me, en-suite and it's fully inclusive. Not much green stuff but all in all, not bad.
My arm still isn't right and they have had all sorts if problems with my veins. Even talk of chemo not happening next week and pic line not going in on Tuesdays. I feel better today even though I still look ill.
Sx
Monday, 7 July 2014
Back to reality with a thud!
After an amazing weekend with friends I have been thrown back to reality with a serious thud.
It felt so good at the weekend to be out and to feel like normal. My wig went down a treat and I didn't feel like the odd one out. It was a festival and very acceptable to wear a pink wig. I did take it off and replace with a scarf a few times but the minute that scarf went on I became a cancer patient. Okay it might well all be in my head and nobody really cares but in my mind it is a label. One of my friend son's was so sweet and asked me why I was wearing a wig and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, he is so right but getting over that huddle just seems too hard. But on the other hand his little brother aged 4 wouldn't even talk to me with a pink wig, fine with a scarf but the wig which just too much. It is so funny how children respond and how they see life, no judgments just pure innocence. The boys had such an amazing time and having Matilda the campervan meant I could have little rest throughout but I did do too much and on Sunday felt pretty rubbish and was in bed by 8.
I have so many aches and pains that I didn't take any notice of my arm hurting over the last couple of days and I just brushed it off as being a bit stiff. By last night it was swollen, I just tucked myself up in bed with an ice pack and thought it would go away just like the last time.
Woke up this morning feel like I was getting a cold with an arm that was very swollen. My arm looks a little like Pop Eye with his muscles instead I had no muscles just a red, angry patch. My arm has literally doubled in size. Anyway in hospital with vein infection and on antibiotics. I am having something called a Picc Line put in. This is a long flexible tube that is put into my arm and will be threaded to just above my heart and left there until all the of my treatments have finished. My veins have been affected by the chemo and the nurses are struggling to take blood let a lone injecting the chemo. Absolutely gutted as chemo has been delayed until next week when the infection has cleared. I pleaded with the doctor for me to go ahead on Friday, as it has been like a military operation to get family and friends to look after me. I have spent the whole day crying, I just want everything to run smoothly and get it all over and done with. Emotionally it is such hard work without having hiccups on the way.
I so much want to just hide away from the world and not face anyone, it would be so much easier and you won't have to make an effort. Today felt such an effort even putting a scarf on. My eyes are running constantly now and my eyelashes are starting to fall out too. I tried to put mascara on this morning but seemed a little pointless as by the time I walked Bongo it was half way down my face. I think I will live in sunglasses from now on.
On the positive side I have an extra week of feeling good!
It felt so good at the weekend to be out and to feel like normal. My wig went down a treat and I didn't feel like the odd one out. It was a festival and very acceptable to wear a pink wig. I did take it off and replace with a scarf a few times but the minute that scarf went on I became a cancer patient. Okay it might well all be in my head and nobody really cares but in my mind it is a label. One of my friend son's was so sweet and asked me why I was wearing a wig and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, he is so right but getting over that huddle just seems too hard. But on the other hand his little brother aged 4 wouldn't even talk to me with a pink wig, fine with a scarf but the wig which just too much. It is so funny how children respond and how they see life, no judgments just pure innocence. The boys had such an amazing time and having Matilda the campervan meant I could have little rest throughout but I did do too much and on Sunday felt pretty rubbish and was in bed by 8.
I have so many aches and pains that I didn't take any notice of my arm hurting over the last couple of days and I just brushed it off as being a bit stiff. By last night it was swollen, I just tucked myself up in bed with an ice pack and thought it would go away just like the last time.
Woke up this morning feel like I was getting a cold with an arm that was very swollen. My arm looks a little like Pop Eye with his muscles instead I had no muscles just a red, angry patch. My arm has literally doubled in size. Anyway in hospital with vein infection and on antibiotics. I am having something called a Picc Line put in. This is a long flexible tube that is put into my arm and will be threaded to just above my heart and left there until all the of my treatments have finished. My veins have been affected by the chemo and the nurses are struggling to take blood let a lone injecting the chemo. Absolutely gutted as chemo has been delayed until next week when the infection has cleared. I pleaded with the doctor for me to go ahead on Friday, as it has been like a military operation to get family and friends to look after me. I have spent the whole day crying, I just want everything to run smoothly and get it all over and done with. Emotionally it is such hard work without having hiccups on the way.
I so much want to just hide away from the world and not face anyone, it would be so much easier and you won't have to make an effort. Today felt such an effort even putting a scarf on. My eyes are running constantly now and my eyelashes are starting to fall out too. I tried to put mascara on this morning but seemed a little pointless as by the time I walked Bongo it was half way down my face. I think I will live in sunglasses from now on.
On the positive side I have an extra week of feeling good!
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