Emotional Baggage

I have no idea why, but I was very emotional over the last few days.

Not sure how to start this one as my head is a little all over the place.  One thing is for sure is I cannot wait for the schools to get back and to have some normality back in my life.  I have missed the boys so much this time, I really have.  They are back tomorrow, thank goodness.

They both came yesterday and we had a great afternoon up in the park and then went to see Guidian of The Glaxary.  Great film, very funny and worth seeing.  The first part of the film was a little close to home and it was about a young boy saying goodbye to his Mum, who had cancer.  She was lying in bed with no hair.  Anyway, Luke said on the way to watch Zach play football that he cried too.  He cried with happiness as Mummy is one of the lucky ones.  Just melted me so there's me trying to hold back the tears whilst driving. It didn't last long and the tears flowed. The love for your child is just so overwhelming and even the thought of leaving them is just so heartbreaking, something I am never going to do until I am very old.   I have also been walking around with no head scarf on this week too. Maybe a little proud that I have some hair!  It amazes me how many people stare.  I was looking after one of my friend's boys too on Friday, and the eldest was again so sweet and wise, he said "don't worry about it you have done nothing wrong just ignore it".

I do still wonder why this is happening to me.  I read on Facebook that one of my friends who has just had a mastectomy had clear results and didn't have to have any further treatment.  It made me feel slightly angry and jealous in a way.  Strange feelings I know, but just yearning for some normality back in my life.  I know I also feel blessed that I caught mind in time too.  Need to get back to work, have some routine and be me.

To think I have enough to deal with I meet my ex this morning with his new girlfriend. This created a whole new set of emotions.  You never know how you will react and what sort of feelings it will bring back, but guess what, I cried.  It is the first time that I have cried about that situation so maybe it needed to come out.  I have been pretty good at just battling on and brushing it aside, but now, I am useless at being hard, I just cry.  So many emotions to have to deal with over the last 5 months, drives me nuts and makes me laugh too.

The exercise front has been good this week.  Ran 2.5miles on Monday, Wednes - cycled 16 miles, ran yesterday, only 2 miles and plan to do 16 tomorrow.  Definitely building my stamina up again.  Hope when the radio starts it doesn't go out the window.  I did wake up yesterday feeling so sluggish and the first part of the run felt just awful, nearly gave up, but battled through and glad I did as it made me feel so much better throughout the day.  I have been sleeping well this week too.  Took the TV out of my room (only put it there whilst I was having chemo) and now I have Classic FM at bedtime and it seems to be working.  Shifted a few pounds as well, which makes me feel so much better.  Only a stone to go and back to the weight I was before this journey started.  I have started Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and one of the side effects is weight gain as well as tiredness (there are loads more).  What to get it under control now as I will be taking them for the next 5 years at least.

Back to treatment

Went back to the hospital today to start my radiotherapy treatment.  I hate going as it is a reminder that I am not well yet and still have another month or so to go.  I wasn't the youngest there today, thankfully.  There was a girl who must have been in her early 20's, she has a brain tumor. I wonder sometimes whether people I meet are there for a reason, I felt lucky again that mine is easier to treat, it makes me realise that things are not too bad really. 

The staff were great as normal and today all men!! All far too young for me.  I was drawn on, measured, sticky tape put on me and tattooed today.  Okay the tattoos are the same as a pen mark not big and the only type of tattoo that will ever be on me.  I had a CT scan too.  All of it very quick and only in there an hour.   

I have had my first 36 hours without seeing or speaking to anyone.  It felt good and when I woke up this morning, I felt liberated.  It never bothered me before and I was struggling with being on my own for too long, but keeping myself occupied and the garden is being weeded.  It will take me months to get it under control, but a great distraction.  

Out of the habit

It feels like ages ago that I have written anything.  I have got out of the habit of this and every day I have said to myself "sit down and write" but like everything in life there is always something to distract me.

I have finally got my dates for radiotherapy and it all starts back up again on September the 10th. I am in the lucky position of being under 50 and get an extra 8 bonus days on the recommended 3 weeks of radio!!  I will be going into hospital every week day for the next 4 1/2 weeks... whoop whoop. At least there is good shopping in Guildford!

The last few weeks have been pretty hectic, Frank came here from Canada, a quick visit to Devon and a few days in France with Em.  Mostly I have been in good spirit and up beat.  Going a bit stir crazy  at the moment and my brain is wandering into thoughts that are not good.  Spending or having too much time to think with nothing to occupy myself, I am starting to realize is not a good thing.  Yes, I have had the summer off, but desperately pushing negative thoughts away.  I am starting to enjoy my own space, but you do think about the bad side of cancer and maybe not recovering and maybe it coming back. I know that I have to be strong and be determined, but sometimes just human nature takes hold. That's why I have got back to doing some exercise as it clears my mind and makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I am doing something rather than sitting around.

Desperate tot get back to work so I have other stuff to think about which is more important than myself.  It is amazing how you can drift off into self thought and lose hours doing it. Today I made the conscious decision to change my brain pattern that I seem to have slipped into.

When I came back from France on Saturday, all I could think about on the flight and train home was the thought of coming home to an empty house, just couldn't shift if away from my mind.  I need to get used to being on my own again and filling my time instead of running from place to place and visitor to visitor. I have read that it is quite common to feel isolated and depressed once the treatment has finished, there has been so much attention around me.  I am so aware that I could slip into a depression and fight it daily. The world we live in is such a lonely place even when you have family and friends around it.  The boys have gone to their dads this week, so again, I find myself alone, but I am making myself stay put this week to just deal with it rather than running away from it.  On the positive side, I am starting to enjoy it again, which feels good to have that back.