Out of the habit

It feels like ages ago that I have written anything.  I have got out of the habit of this and every day I have said to myself "sit down and write" but like everything in life there is always something to distract me.

I have finally got my dates for radiotherapy and it all starts back up again on September the 10th. I am in the lucky position of being under 50 and get an extra 8 bonus days on the recommended 3 weeks of radio!!  I will be going into hospital every week day for the next 4 1/2 weeks... whoop whoop. At least there is good shopping in Guildford!

The last few weeks have been pretty hectic, Frank came here from Canada, a quick visit to Devon and a few days in France with Em.  Mostly I have been in good spirit and up beat.  Going a bit stir crazy  at the moment and my brain is wandering into thoughts that are not good.  Spending or having too much time to think with nothing to occupy myself, I am starting to realize is not a good thing.  Yes, I have had the summer off, but desperately pushing negative thoughts away.  I am starting to enjoy my own space, but you do think about the bad side of cancer and maybe not recovering and maybe it coming back. I know that I have to be strong and be determined, but sometimes just human nature takes hold. That's why I have got back to doing some exercise as it clears my mind and makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I am doing something rather than sitting around.

Desperate tot get back to work so I have other stuff to think about which is more important than myself.  It is amazing how you can drift off into self thought and lose hours doing it. Today I made the conscious decision to change my brain pattern that I seem to have slipped into.

When I came back from France on Saturday, all I could think about on the flight and train home was the thought of coming home to an empty house, just couldn't shift if away from my mind.  I need to get used to being on my own again and filling my time instead of running from place to place and visitor to visitor. I have read that it is quite common to feel isolated and depressed once the treatment has finished, there has been so much attention around me.  I am so aware that I could slip into a depression and fight it daily. The world we live in is such a lonely place even when you have family and friends around it.  The boys have gone to their dads this week, so again, I find myself alone, but I am making myself stay put this week to just deal with it rather than running away from it.  On the positive side, I am starting to enjoy it again, which feels good to have that back.