Emotional Baggage

I have no idea why, but I was very emotional over the last few days.

Not sure how to start this one as my head is a little all over the place.  One thing is for sure is I cannot wait for the schools to get back and to have some normality back in my life.  I have missed the boys so much this time, I really have.  They are back tomorrow, thank goodness.

They both came yesterday and we had a great afternoon up in the park and then went to see Guidian of The Glaxary.  Great film, very funny and worth seeing.  The first part of the film was a little close to home and it was about a young boy saying goodbye to his Mum, who had cancer.  She was lying in bed with no hair.  Anyway, Luke said on the way to watch Zach play football that he cried too.  He cried with happiness as Mummy is one of the lucky ones.  Just melted me so there's me trying to hold back the tears whilst driving. It didn't last long and the tears flowed. The love for your child is just so overwhelming and even the thought of leaving them is just so heartbreaking, something I am never going to do until I am very old.   I have also been walking around with no head scarf on this week too. Maybe a little proud that I have some hair!  It amazes me how many people stare.  I was looking after one of my friend's boys too on Friday, and the eldest was again so sweet and wise, he said "don't worry about it you have done nothing wrong just ignore it".

I do still wonder why this is happening to me.  I read on Facebook that one of my friends who has just had a mastectomy had clear results and didn't have to have any further treatment.  It made me feel slightly angry and jealous in a way.  Strange feelings I know, but just yearning for some normality back in my life.  I know I also feel blessed that I caught mind in time too.  Need to get back to work, have some routine and be me.

To think I have enough to deal with I meet my ex this morning with his new girlfriend. This created a whole new set of emotions.  You never know how you will react and what sort of feelings it will bring back, but guess what, I cried.  It is the first time that I have cried about that situation so maybe it needed to come out.  I have been pretty good at just battling on and brushing it aside, but now, I am useless at being hard, I just cry.  So many emotions to have to deal with over the last 5 months, drives me nuts and makes me laugh too.

The exercise front has been good this week.  Ran 2.5miles on Monday, Wednes - cycled 16 miles, ran yesterday, only 2 miles and plan to do 16 tomorrow.  Definitely building my stamina up again.  Hope when the radio starts it doesn't go out the window.  I did wake up yesterday feeling so sluggish and the first part of the run felt just awful, nearly gave up, but battled through and glad I did as it made me feel so much better throughout the day.  I have been sleeping well this week too.  Took the TV out of my room (only put it there whilst I was having chemo) and now I have Classic FM at bedtime and it seems to be working.  Shifted a few pounds as well, which makes me feel so much better.  Only a stone to go and back to the weight I was before this journey started.  I have started Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and one of the side effects is weight gain as well as tiredness (there are loads more).  What to get it under control now as I will be taking them for the next 5 years at least.