A bit heavy!!

Families are funny things.  We put up with so much from our families, but would never do the same if our friends treated us in the same way.

We have all had fall outs with brothers, sisters, Mums and Dads but sometimes you do get to a place in your life where you think, I am not making the effort anymore.  It is just too much hard work being the one that makes the calls, makes the visits and the one that cares.  Yes, we all care about people, but do we really put ourselves out for others. Unfortunately, we live our lives with convenience and this is also with our families and friends too.

When I was in Devon, I met up with old friends whom I hadn't contacted, for years, but so glad that we ALL made the effort and arranged dinner.  It felt like time had not passed and we had not changed at all.  None of them had aged either... Bloody cows!! :)

I am going to make time with people who deserve it.  The rest, well can just go forth.  I just don't understand why people have no feelings or understanding of what others are going through.  I just can't get my head around how children can hate their parents so much that they don't even stop to talk with them. Our parents are the most treasured people, they brought us into this world and loved us, yes their decisions we might not agree with but they still made us who we are.  It amazes me that others feel that if you don't give or help them, why should they do anything for you.  There are so many friends and family like that. Always want something in return instead of being just nice people and give.  It comes back anyway, just takes time.   How can families be so cruel and how mothers will protect her children and cover for them even though in her heart she knows that they are pretty crap.  I have spent so much of my life just keeping quiet and not speaking the truth with close friends and family that I cannot do it anymore.  I will not make excuses for family, boyfriends or friends that are selfish and just take.  We all say that family is the most important thing, but there are so many people out there that don't really care.  It plays on my mind a lot.  As you can tell I have got some pent up emotions at the moment that I am having to get rid of.  My head is spinning with so many different things all at once.  It is actually driving me a bit nuts. I don't seem to be able to clear my mind and that sad thing is it is, all stuff is from people in my close inner circle.  Maybe this journey is about clearing all those emotions I have had over the years, all the darkest ones that I have never been able to face before and now I have no choice but to deal with them.

We need to be educated again as a society. We need to learn how to be kind and understanding.  Over the summer I saw friends that I haven't seen for years who made the effort and contacted me to visit.  It felt wonderful that they live 2 hours away made the time to see me.  Thank you Martin and Ali.  It does hurt though, as once the chemo stopped, Family stop calling to check on you, friends are busy and there is me desperately trying to hold things together and not fall apart because actually I feel shit, I feel sad, I want to cry all the time, I want to shout at people.  On the exterior we all look okay, but underneath far from it.  I know there is nothing anyone can do about how I feel.  I have to keep filling the hole I am in so I don't go too deep.  It is like the boat has a leak and you are trying so hard to make sure you stay afloat.  Some days it is easy, but on other days you work like crazy to keep the water out. That's how I feel. That's what cancer does to you.  It strips you bare and makes you weak and vulnerable physically and emotionally and then plays with your mind.  My sister in law said to me back in March. "You will never be the same again".  I was, no way not me, I am invincible, I will be the same.  She was right though, I will never be the same person.  I suppose I am mourning that fact,  I am coming to terms with it more and more. I just hope I keep my persuasive side else I am truly buggered!

I completely understand now why people say when you have or had cancer, it is a journey and a battle.  It is almost a battle of wills of who will win, who will take control and step up and fight stronger.  That is why people say stay positive because that is what it is.  The toughest wins.