Hospitals

Back into hospital yesterday with my arm.  Ended up being admitted. All such a pain in the ass.  The hospital rang me at 9.30 yesterday and asked me to go in straight away but I pleaded with them for a bit longer as it was Luke's sports day so they gave me until 12. Thankfully Charlotte was with me, I don't know what I would do without her. It's all such a fuss i really hate it, having to rely on others, something  I have never done before.  Organising children, cats and dogs. It makes me feel so low, I feel like I am living on the edge all the time, watching my temperature, having to be careful with the tiniest of scratches.  There was no way that I thought a bit of a swollen arm would put me in hospital for a few days.  First of all I was in the Acute Assessment Ward with everyone else. Which is fine Everyone but hate the way they sit and stare at me with no hair and give you that look of sympathy.  They don't  dare as ask what's wrong. Too scared as they know it's cancer even though I'm here because of something else.  Thank goodness I got moved to the cancer ward, just feels more relaxed and understanding.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I am in a room with a lady that has terminal cancer.  I felt almost guilty when I said I had breast cancer seemed like having a cold compared to her.  I really didn't know what to say.  Kay told me that she is use to the idea of dying but its leaving loved ones. My god to be in that situation must be so crap.  Even the thought of leaving my 2 boys is unbearable.  Somewhere I never want to go, makes me cry to even think about it.  Her time is against the clock now.  She is so ill and in so much pain, god this awful disease is so cruel.  I dare not complain and think how lucky i am to know that I will be okay when the treatment is finished and pray to god that it never returns.  We sat and chatted about how healthy we both were and looked after ourselves yet there are people out there that smoke, drink heavily and lead unhealthily lives but we are the ones sitting in hospital dealing with this shit. We both asked ourselves, why us! A question I think most cancer suffers ask.

It very exhausting being here, just drains you emotionally.  Missing my boys and desperately want to see them but will have to wait until tomorrow. I look so awful, bold, no make up (forgot to pack that), look like someone that should be in hospital.  Charlotte and I laughed yesterday about my little stay.  I have a window next to me, en-suite and it's fully inclusive.  Not much green stuff but all in all, not bad.

My arm still isn't right and they have had all sorts if problems with my veins.  Even talk of chemo not happening next week and pic line not going in on Tuesdays.  I feel better today even though I still look ill.

Sx