Given in!

I actually wrote this last week and forgot to post it....

Another mixed week!

Just so hard, managing me and my own expectation of myself and what I can and cannot do.  I struggle with just having to sit down and do nothing, but then on the other hand, my body struggles to keep going and forces me to just stop.  Last week was the worst week for sleep. When I went to bed, I try and get to sleep and lay there until 4am wide awake, but almost in tears as I just wanted to sleep.  I have been taking calms, meditation app, breathing exercises and reading. I have been waking up every morning with a horrible anxious feeling in my chest and palpitation. Just horrible.  I am spending so much time concentrating on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.  There are no triggers, no reasons, I don't think I am worried about anything. I think it is just down to lack of sleep. I struggle with the anxiuosity, I have always been such a laid back person and never really let life bother me, but now, I could and do cry at the littlest of upsets.  When I get tired it creates so many negative emotions which I am so aware of and I seem to be spending my life counteracting myself to try and create different thought paths.

Well, after battling with myself and my mind, I gave in and went to the doctor.  She sat there and just smiled at me and said "give yourself a break". Just let you body repair and give me sleeping tablets and something for the anxiety. Only for the next 2 weeks to just help me along.  I do feel like I have given in to it and failed.  I didn't want to go down this route, but then on the other hand, I feel slightly relieved that I am going to sleep and the anxiety will stop and I can just relax a little.

It is so strange how this whole journey has affected me.  I went hunting yesterday and the anxiety kick in, big time.  I have hunted more times that I can remember, but I have been just so worried about my strength and would I have the stamina to keep going.  I did manage it and jumped a few jumps, but it even though after about 3 hours I tried, my stopping method was going up Laura and Kenny's backside or an old trick Dad showed us as kids and that was to cry the reins over their whithers.  The poor thing didn't like that at all.  It is such a hard thing to deal with after riding for so many years and I struggled to stop a 14.2hh pony, mind you they are all little shits!

I would love to tell you about my dating experience but not sure this is quite the right place!!