Explode

Feel amazing today, full of life and energy.  Not had a bad day for 10 days, which just feels great, but it also gives me anticipation that one is around the corner.  Managing myself really well at the moment, sleep is good and I managed to nod off for the last 2 nights with no drugs, just a good book.  Feels quite invigorating to be able to get to sleep without anything.  I hate having to relay on something to get me to sleep.  Anxiouseity is better, but not sure now whether it is just my pure excitement for life.  Could run around shouting at the top of my voice telling the world how good I feel. Of course, there is other stuff going on in my life, but god it feels good to be wanted.  I really do have a skip and a jump in my step and very much looking forward to the future.  Who knows how it will turn out, but hey, I am enjoying myself, which I think is more important than anything else at the moment.  Just have such an urge to explode and dance till the early hours, party until I drop, run and just live.  Maybe it is me feeling better with life and feeling good.

I have so many friends out there that I have neglected this year and just not had the want to chat. I hate being negative and didn't want to think when I talk to people it is all about me and the cancer.  Yes, I have been through a really shit time but want to talk with friends feeling happy and not wanting to cry.  I still well up when I think of some of the times that I have had to deal with over the last 8 months but want to be able to tell people with a positive voice rather than a sad, which I know I have had until now.  I called a lot of those friends today and it was so lovely to talk and laugh together and arrange a rendezvous.

My darling Zachary has really struggled over the last few weeks. There is so much anger inside him and unfortunately it is targeted at me.  The poor child had to be so good at home for the last 8 months and be the man of the house while I was ill that the backlash has now come out.  He is just misbehaving and being so naughty at school with this anger.  At the beginning of the week it was all my fault. I know that he doesn't mean it, but it hurts.  I think he is angry that I was ill and blames me for the way he feels.  I know he will get through this and the school is being quite incredible and supporting him so much.  This one is out of my hands completely and I have to let him find his own path and his own emotions.  He is spending more time with his Dad as he just gets too frustrated and cross with me which also hurts but I do know he doesn't mean it.