Just Pants!

Just pants!!

I'm having a daily injection to make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells.  The side effects are knocking me for six and yesterday was a shit day, I could barely move and my whole body felt like it has been hit by a bus.  It's really hard to explain, just horrid, I cried a lot again just wanting the horrible feelings to go. You would think that my body was going through enough already with the chemo let alone adding more drugs to the equation.  Feeling angry that haven't I got enough to deal with without this but don't really have any choice in the matter as without them my immune system would go dangerously low.  On Tuesday before the injections I was really okay and looking forward to getting out and walking the dog and taking Luke to school, there was light at the end of the tunnel.  There still is, but just a few days further away.  Looking forward to Monday when my daily injection finish and I can start to feel slightly normal again.  Really want to be able to take Luke to school.  Even though it is only a 50 metre walk and takes seconds to a 7 year old Mummy walking to school holding your hand is a big thing. This morning we had breakfast in bed together and just hang out until school time then off he went. Nothing has phased him so far but me not taking him to school is one step too far.  Tuesday morning he cried and won't go and I had to drag myself up and take him and then he still hung on to me wanting to know when am I going to be better.

This whole journey is teaching me to appreciate life and moments.  I am not going to start preaching but when the simplest of things are taken you feel bare.  I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see.  I know that it is only for a short period and my hair grows back but I just feel bare. No beauty, no walls, even a jaded personality. Everyone can see what is going on.  I am forced to look at my own face and see who I am. Life is so easy to run around and be busy and hide the real feelings inside.  I have been so good at this.  Work, children, fun, keeping fit and now it's gone, the wall has gone, all that is left is the true me. There are so many of us that never stop and hide behind our exterior. We are obsessed with success and wanting more all the time, it never ends.  I want to just feel well,  and get the boys to and from school, to walk Bongo and just have my spark back.   I think about love and wanting to have someone but the reality is that won't happen for quite some time as I will need to like myself again and that will not happen overnight. It does run through my mind that, who wants to be with someone that has had breast cancer, crazy and mad but just my thoughts. I have put on a stone and all my clothes are too tight which I hate more than anything.  I have always worked so hard at keeping fit and eating well.

I'm still analysing why me! I sit think about what has caused this and why.  I was fit, never ate rubbish food and looked after myself. Why me? At the beginning of the year I made the decision that this was a year to challenge myself.  Bloody hell the universe decided to take me to my limits and give me my biggest.  I know once all of the treatment is done I will be done with cancer but the light is in the distance.  Once I get past 3 I am half way there and on the home run.

Today i managed to shower which is one more step than yesterday.  I am feeling better today and managing the symptoms but getting there slowly.

Thank you to my dog walkers, Bongo is snoring loader than ever!