Sobbed

A bit of a long day Yesterday.  It is the first day that I have spend on my own with no one around me at all since April 4th, when I was operated on.  A bit strange as I have no work to occupy myself and just time to wonder around the garden taking pictures.  I have cried and still can't believe it is all happening to me.  Sometimes I feel that I am not really in it at all and I am sitting outside looking it.  Then reality hits home that it is happening to me.  I do make myself spend time on my own as in October when this is all over everyone will want to get on with their own lives and forget I am here, you get very use to people being around. Thats not their fault and I wouldn't blame them as they say when one member of the family has cancer the whole family has it.  I suppose my life will go on as it did before. I think about how long it will take me to recover and get back to myself and I wonder whether I will ever be the same person again.  Time will tell.  I try and keep myself busy and something positive will come out of this shitty experience.

I have felt really good this week and have bounced back quite quickly.  Today was another lovely day spent with a friend and my sister having lunch and hanging around horses.  Even though I am not riding just being around horses makes me feel calm.  Watched chukkas tonight and made the most of feeling good but then on the other hand wanted to cry as tomorrow I am back to square one.  I sobbed on the way home just dreading the feeling I will have tomorrow.   Not sure how I drove home as i just couldn't stop myself crying.  I just feels wrong that when I am feeling so much better more toxic drugs will be pumped into me.  My bloods are excellent and the little scared that it was effecting my liver has passed but a little worried that it will arm hurt again.