Just Stop!

I can't say it  has been on of my best days since all of this started.

Had such a bad nights sleep which hasn't helped. Just couldn't get to sleep thinking about infections and what if's.  I felt starving hungry and refused to go downstairs to eat. Even if I did nothing took my fancy.  Plus the cat was in the kitchen and if she got out the whole house would have been woken up. Bloody mental that I let a cat dictate what I do.  I'm turning into my mother!!! I had a raging headache too so all in all a pretty rubbish night.  When I finally got to sleep it was time to wake up. I just couldn't do it I felt so ill.  My whole body was saying no you are staying in bed whether you like it or not.  My stomach felt awful, my head hurt, didn't want to eat and just wanted to cry. Do you that feeling when you are a child that all you want is your Mum to hold you and tell you that everything will be okay? 42 year women wanting her Mum, what ever next.  Ended up on the phone with the emergency nurse as my temperature was up and down and just scared.  I think it was all down to stress really.  She was lovely and gave me a talking to and put me straight which did make me feel better.  Basically I have to listen to my body. I have gone from a person that would wiz out in the morning run 10k go to work and get on with life to, someone that can barely get out of bed and takes an hour to get sorted and down stairs.  It is so hard to just let go and let this happen.  I want to be able to just control how I feel and manage the sickness but it just seems impossible to do that. I am having to learn what to eat, when to eat as the slightest thing makes me sick, faint or makes my heart race. Thankfully Charlotte is here and picked up with the boys.  I know the both of them would be fine and would manage even if Charlotte wasn't here. But still bloody hard having your child sat next to you stroking your head and holding you hand while you have tears running down your face.

Today I have spent in the garden just sat doing nothing.  I tried to move a chair and nearly fainted.  I know it will get better and I know I am just having a bad day.  Today has been a bit of a wake up call and my body has literally gone, NO you aren't doing anything.

Sorry if not happy today but this is why I am doing this because it is making me face up to the whole crappy situation by writing it down and not hiding my emotions.  There is a wig and a wig stand on my dressing table and I cannot bring myself to opening it, the thought just terrifies me that I potentially in less that 2 weeks will have no hair.

A lovely part of the day was receiving a bouquet of flowers from Harry which made me cry, god I am so lucky to be in such an amazing place with such amazing people. Thank you. xx