4 days to go!

Frank, my brother, suggested I do this as it helped one of his friends deal with the whole experience. Please read it without the urge to tell me it will be okay. I know it is, I know it will all be fine, but I need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and I could write it, but that would take too much effort, and I am twice as quick when typing. Also, I know the English is terrible, but I am just typing without checking. Had a wonderful weekend with my sister, always takes my mind off what is happening in reality. Started driving home today and had to stop and go and watch Laura play polo couldn't bring me to go home just yet. I have feelings of fear and dread. It's the unknown! How am I going to feel? How ill will this make me feel? I have all these questions I want to ask, but no one has any of the answers.

Finally plucked up the courage to come home and just milled around for a couple of hours, then expected the boys to go home. Break down of communication, and I should have been picking up, which I finally did and ended up in tears on Ben's doorstep. The boys are great and taking it all in their stride, and Zach wants a wig, not a hat, a wig. I think he will feel embarrassed with a mummy with no hair. Not sure if I want a wig. I feel like I am hiding something and should be ashamed that I have cancer. There is a part of me that thinks that, why me? What did I eat? I must have done something? So many questions. I feel sometimes I shouldn't cry as there are people out there that are a lot worse than me, and it feels wrong to sit and cry just because I am feeling sorry for myself. I know I am strong, and I think that's why I struggling, as I want everyone to think I am strong. Tonight actually felt like a typical night. I got all the night before school stuff done and didn't feel exhausted.