Control

I did write this earlier but I managed to delete it.

As most of you know I tried a couple of runs last week which felt amazing even though only 2.5 miles.  I felt in control of things and a sense of freedom.  I actually did quite a bit last week but did pay for it on Friday night.  I felt rotten just exhausted.  I really do need to learn not to keep pushing.  I didn't think I was but my body had other ideas.  I am trying to live as normal as possible, I am determined this is not going to take over my life.  I might be exhausted at times but it helps me keep sane by keeping busy.

My hair is starting to fall out.  I have enough on top to allow thinning so still hoping it won't completely fall out.  There is something about being bold, it means everyone knows, it's becomes public that she had cancer.  I know it won't be for ever but when I am in the shops now with hair I'm still like everyone else but once I am bold peoples perception of me will change.  The boys think it is quite funny, every time they walk pass they both have a tug to see how much comes out.  The wig is still in the bag on my bedroom floor, still cannot bring myself to get it out.  It smells which turns my stomach.  Not sure I will wear it at all! Zach has decided that he wants to shave his hair off too.  Apparently they have been talking about it at school and his mates want to sponsor him.  It's a big thing for him as his loves his 'flick' and takes forever to do his hair before school.  I'm very proud of my son.

On my own this week as the boys go to their Dads on Wednesday.  I decided not to have anyone here, needed the space to just be here on my own.  It is hard sometimes as I do get lonely but I loved my own space before and don't want to always have people around.  It helps me focus and appreciative what I do have. Loving my garden and my veg patch, I get great pleasure in just tottering around, so good for soul searching.

The nerves are starting again as only 4 sleeps to go.  Waking up very early every day and sleeping is becoming interrupted.  I know the ill feeling won't last long but I know what's coming and I expect it will get worse with each treatment. Also thinking about the cold cap as that is the most uncomfortable part.  Gives me a bad headache and uncomfortable.

Sx