I can't leave you!

Don't know how i fitted work in before! I don't seem to stop at the moment. An eventful 24 hours. Over the last couple of weeks there has been a whole family divide. One part of the family feels that some siblings are overreacting and that what is all the fuss is, the James family have never had to deal with cancer and should just get on with it. It's been in my mind a lot today. My sister went down to make sure I had help over the next few months she came away in tears. Certain members were completely dismissive and didn't want it to help. I'm completely shocked how people can be so cold. I thought I was a strong person but this has made me question and feels that maybe I am being weak and should just get on with it! 

I had my hair cut short yesterday in preparation for losing it during chemo. I hate it feels just yuk. Even though everyone thinks it looks great and tells me so, I don't feel sexy. Zach says I look like a boy, Luke gave me a lovely big hug and says he loves it, I look beautiful. I was not sure what was going on with Zach, he didn't want to school.  Tonight he broke my heart and said he needs to be home, there isn't anyone to look after me. That little boy is so selfless. He kept saying what if you collapse or faint who will be there. For the first time in his life, he feels Mummy isn't there to cope with whatever is thrown at her. A few months ago he said he never had to worry about me because I'm always alright. Really don't know how to deal with this one. 8 years later he told me that in his head I was dying. 

Ben and I had to convince him tonight that there will always be someone here. God, it's so crap that your child feels he needs to look after you. Went to the hospital today for my chemo talk. Even got a tour of the unit which was really quite funny. I had a vision of other people in my age group all sitting around having a chat. Helen and I thought would take some games and have a bit of a laugh. That's not going to happen. The average age was about 70 and the only movement they will do is going to the bowel type. Feel like I'm against the clock now and trying to get everything done. Not sure why but the house needs a clean, planted most of my veg today too. Don't feel ready yet which is nuts. Completely crazy. I hope this doesn't sound negative but I am really good and very positive and know everything will be okay.