Back to reality with a thud!

After an amazing weekend with friends I have been thrown back to reality with a serious thud.

It felt so good at the weekend to be out and to feel like normal.  My wig went down a treat and I didn't feel like the odd one out.  It was a festival and very acceptable to wear a pink wig.  I did take it off and replace with a scarf a few times but the minute that scarf went on I became a cancer patient.  Okay it might well all be in my head and nobody really cares but in my mind it is a label.  One of my friend son's was so sweet and asked me why I was wearing a wig and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, he is so right but getting over that huddle just seems too hard.  But on the other hand his little brother aged 4 wouldn't even talk to me with a pink wig, fine with a scarf but the wig which just too much.  It is so funny how children respond and how they see life, no judgments just pure innocence.  The boys had such an amazing time and having Matilda the campervan meant I could have little rest throughout but I did do too much and on Sunday felt pretty rubbish and was in bed by 8.  

I have so many aches and pains that I didn't take any notice of my arm hurting over the last couple of days and I just brushed it off as being a bit stiff.  By last night it was swollen, I just tucked myself up in bed with an ice pack and thought it would go away just like the last time.

Woke up this morning feel like I was getting a cold with an arm that was very swollen.  My arm looks a little like Pop Eye with his muscles instead I had no muscles just a red, angry patch.  My arm has literally doubled in size.  Anyway in hospital with vein infection and on antibiotics.  I am having something called a Picc Line put in.  This is a long flexible tube that is put into my arm and will be threaded to just above my heart and left there until all the of my treatments have finished.  My veins have been affected by the chemo and the nurses are struggling to take blood let a lone injecting the chemo.  Absolutely gutted as chemo has been delayed until next week when the infection has cleared.  I pleaded with the doctor for me to go ahead on Friday, as it has been like a military operation to get family and friends to look after me.   I have spent the whole day crying, I just want everything to run smoothly and get it all over and done with.  Emotionally it is such hard work without having hiccups on the way.  

I so much want to just hide away from the world and not face anyone, it would be so much easier and you won't have to make an effort.  Today felt such an effort even putting a scarf on.  My eyes are running constantly now and my eyelashes are starting to fall out too.  I tried to put mascara on this morning but seemed a little pointless as by the time I walked Bongo it was half way down my face.  I think I will live in sunglasses from now on.

On the positive side I have an extra week of feeling good!