This is a year I wish to forget. It was full of sadness. My life stopped that year. All a bit of a blur, really.
In June, Hamish was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. A few months later, Hamish had a terminal diagnosis and had 3 - 6 months to live. He went through the treatment, but it did not impact his tumour. It, in fact, had spread more. The therapy took so much out of him; I believe he would live longer without the treatment. He was so poorly. We tried to make the most of the time left, but this was limited due to his illness. In October 2017, we decided to take a trip to Devon/Cornwall in the camper. It was about creating memories. On the first night, we parked at Widemouth Bay to watch the sunset. H didn't feel great, but we cooked dinner and watched the skies turn red. H was hooked up to morphine 24/7, so we didn't sleep together; I slept on top and on the settee bed. In the early hours of the morning, he became very ill. We went to Stratton Hospital, but nothing could be done, so a drive to North Devon Hospital (Barnstaple) was necessary. Hamish was admitted straight away. I stayed for a couple of days but had to get back to the boys. I had to leave him in Devon and then battle to try and get him back to Basingstoke. The stress of trying to get the NHS to organise an ambulance and drivers was a joke. It took 4 days for this to happen.
On this visit, we were given a terminal diagnosis. The Doctor walked in, didn't even sit down and very coldly told us that H might make it to Christmas if he was lucky. The tumour in his bowel had blocked the colon, and basically, no poo could pass. On the Friday, it was decided that he would need emergency surgery to fit a stoma bag the next day. The next day was Charlotte and Richard's wedding day. I could not miss my stepdaughter's wedding, so I decided to go. The guilt that I had for leaving him was just overwhelming. I was a total wreck on the wedding day, for which I feel very guilty. I should not have gone. Emotionally it was too much and not fair on C & R. I got a call mid-afternoon from Emily to say the operation had gone well and he was alive. I could not wait to get back to Hamish on the Sunday and got up and went back to Basingstoke. I was so pleased to see him. The love I have for this man can not be explained.
Hamish was moved to the hospice to give me a break and recover from surgery. The medical team felt that this was better for him. He stayed there for 2 weeks, and I visited every day. We finally got him home towards the end of October. My sister Emily came over for a week and used the camper. On the last day, I got Hamish from the hospice to be at home for a few days. We all went for lunch. As Emily was leaving, she burst into tears and returned to say goodbye. It did not even trigger that she would never see Hamish again. I was numb and just looked on.
The boys and I decided that Hamish would die at home and not in the hospice. Zachary was influential with his views. I am not sure if Luke even understood what was going on. The palliative care team set up care for H and supported me. I juggled caring for Hamish and work. I never left his side. I couldn't; it just felt wrong. Over the next two weeks, he slowly lost the use of his legs and became bedbound. We set up a bedroom downstairs when he came out of the hospital. It made life more accessible, and he felt part of the family. The next few weeks were tough for us both. A continuous stream of visitors was lovely in many ways but emotionally challenging. So many tears. I struggled as it was no longer my home but more like a hospital visiting the lounge, constantly making tea and working.
Over the last week, we spent time with the funeral directors and organised his funeral. What he wanted and what he didn't like. The hymns, the coffin, the coffin bearers. He even wanted to go to the Remembrance Sunday Service to check out the victor, which made me smile. Looking back, I am not sure how I felt apart from numbness. Nothing felt real
It was also my son's 16th Birthday. Zach adored Hamish; they were so close. He wanted to be part of my children's lives and was such a good father figure.
Hamish and I went to the garden centre on Friday to break from the house. This was when his swallowing function started to stop. I fed him his soup, but every time he swallowed, he would cough. It got worse over the 24 hours. On Saturday, the nurses told me his body was starting to shut down, and it would be up to 5 days before he died. His memory started to go as well, and he couldn't remember the nurses' names. This really impacted him, and he burst into tears.
I slept on the camp bed next to his holding his hand. We had the house to ourselves. The following day was Remembrance Sunday. H wanted to go to the church service in Odiham. I have no idea how carers manage and get people ready and into cars. It was exhausting. Lifting, carrying and organising. We got to the church and positioned ourselves at the back. I stood behind Hamish with my hand on his chest. A lady looks at him and then at me with such sadness. I knew exactly was she was thinking. At the end of the service, we lined up and said hello to Vicar. We had a joke at the entrance and told her that she had passed her interview. The Vicar said I will be in contact over the next few days to finalise the funeral details. I did explain that the nurses said he has no longer than 5 days to live. She comforted me and said it would be okay, and we had time. The family all headed over to the Bel & Dragon for lunch. Hamish was very weak. We did not stay long. Paul, his brother-in-law, offered to help me back to the house with him. This was a relief as I was pretty exhausted, physically and mentally. Having an extra pair of hands made such a difference. Back at the house, we put him to bed, by which time the rest of the family came over. We were playing the waiting game. Just waiting. Eventually, everyone went apart from Emily. We had a quiet evening, and all slept downstairs.
It was about 5 am, and I woke up to Hamish's hands being very sweaty. The nurse had already told me that this was one of the signs that he was going. I woke Emily up, and we sat beside him on either side. At about 6, he started to become restless and wanted to go outside. He tried to get up. Emily and I moved his legs to the side to get him into the wheelchair. He then became dizzy and decided it was not such a good idea. The only issue was that he was halfway down the bed, and neither Emily nor I had the strength to lift him up. I sent a quick text to the neighbours. Peter and John came to help and pull him up from the bed. We could not have done this without the two of them. Hamish could no longer speak, and I could see in his face that something was wrong. I asked him if he was in pain and to raise his hand. He did. I called the Doctor to try and make him more comfortable. This was about 7.40am. The Doctor came and increased his morphine. The next event should not have happened, and I regret allowing it. I had ensured that neither of the boys was at the house that weekend.
I just didn't want them to see the final stages of Hamish's life. Zachary turned up at the house at 7.50am, wanting his school bag. I have no idea why my ex-husband allowed this to happen, but he did. I kept telling Zac, why are you here? You shouldn't be here. Finally, I explained to Zach that he was going and that would he like to say goodbye. Zach walked into the room, kissed Hamish on the forehead, told him he loved him and went to school. Zach had his mocks that week and went off to school as usual. I look back and admire him so much he could have just gone back to his Dad's, but he didn't. He went to school.
The Doctor tried to make Hamish comfortable and wanted to inject him with more morphine, but this would make him unconscious. Emily and I both wanted him to go peacefully, so we agreed to this happening. It only took a few minutes for him to pass. He took 3 last breaths, and the Doctor confirmed that he had gone at 8.10 am. Hamish died 10 days off his 24th Birthday. My feelings were so mixed. Some were of relief and some of the pure grief. 4 years on, I still see his face and the last hour I play back in my mind so many times, it will never leave me.
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