Devastated 4th July 2017

27th June 2017

3 weeks ago, Hamish got some devastating news. I just thought this would never happen to me or anyone I was with.

He has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in the bowl and secondary in the liver.  They have said that if the chemo works he has 2/3 years and if not months. They could operate on his liver, but there is too much cancer in there and they will not operate until one section is clear.   I am not sure it has really gone in, still in shock and coming to terms with this news.

I still cannot believe this. If you look at him, he looks good, those beautiful blue eyes are still alive and fighting fit but inside the shell, he is a mess.  The is no truer expression than "you can never tell a book from its cover".

He started his treatment last Friday and yesterday had to go back into hospital as he was so ill. Still there as I write this and selfishly, I am glad he is there last night and tonight. It means I can catch up on sleep. I worry constantly about him, he is never far from my thoughts and in meetings, I try desperately to focus.  I know I should take some time out, but work has always been my saviour.

We are only 3 weeks in and I am absolutely exhausted. The lack of sleep is getting to me. I now have total respect for Mothers, Daughters, Sons, Fathers, Friends and carers who look after their loved ones full time. I am desperately trying to juggle a full-time job, 2 boys and care for Hamish, shit it is so hard.

It is so hard to get your head around that he is potentially dying and might not be here for his 45th birthday.  I am positive don't get me wrong and in the normal Stella fashion I am pushing forward and looking to our future and we talk about the other end of this.

Some days I cry, some days I sob, for both me and him.  I have had to revisit so many memories, it has been so tough.  I cried more over the last few weeks than I have done in years.  I have also had the dilemma of telling my gorgeous boys, I kept it a secret for 2 weeks, but my eldest could see how ill he is and in front of my youngest.  "Is he going to die Mum?" I cannot lie to him, I told them both what the doctors told us.  Zach broke down, He is also having to deal with emotions that he didn't deal with when I was ill. He cried and said I can't, I can't bring them up, then closed up and smashed a football into his goal.  Luke didn't really understand and said "why is it worse than you Mum?"  It just is Luke, 10 times worse than Mummy.  He is asking himself questions of why?  The next day he refused to go to school.  We both ended up at the school gates crying and him pleading with me that he wants things back to normal. Just heartbreaking. Not sure why so many tears are being shed in our house and why this happens not once, but twice in the space of 3 years under the same roof.

Hamish is being so gallant, so brave and still smiles.  He is amazing and positive, but I know he is absolutely terrified. We talked on Saturday about him dying and how it wants to be buried with his Dad.  Shit, what a conversation to have with your loved one.  I had to stay strong, but the minute he went around the corner I totally broke down. Fucking crap that it has taken me so long to find someone so wonderful and kind and he potentially is going to be taken from me.