Worry

Well, I can honestly say I have felt better.

Tomorrow I go under the knife again, which is scaring the hell out of me.  I am positive and not thinking about it, but it doesn't mean the feelings are not there. I have had to wait since early December for a date to come through, the waiting I hate.  Even tomorrow i might not know more than today.  Not sure if they will take my ovaries out or operate again, the unknown just drives me mad.  If there is something there I will have to wait again and have another operation.  Hate this bit, just hate it.

Over christmas was really tough, no work to occupy my mind and keep me busy.  I have cried, I sat with Em and cried, we talked about the what if's and I know I will just take it all in my stride, but the thought of having to go through all of that again makes me so sad.  It has been harder this time to push the negative thoughts back and stay on track with the positive thinking.  I am showing symptoms of ovarian cancer, but this could also be the cyst that is causing them.  All I can do is pray that it is the cyst.  We all know that secondary cancer is deadly.  I spend so much energy pushing thoughts back and trying to change my thought pattern, it does get the better of me on occasions and then I find myself just crying my eyes out. This weekend I have been up and down and this morning I was being very ratty and just went for a run.  Bongo protested all the way and really wasn't in the mood for exercise.  He does make me smile the way he just sits in the middle of the path and refuses to go any further.

I do pray that I will not be stripped of everything again, I think I have had a hard enough lesson the last time and sure don't think I deserve it again.  I wonder what I have done to deserve this.  People talk about karma, but not sure it is right for everything. I am a good person, I do think about other people, so why do I have to go through all these health scares.  Okay, I work hard, but I really do think I manage it well.  I get stressed, I am learning to manage that too.

I haven't told the boys, don't want to worry them.